


Dark Paradise

by Rysie



Category: Attack on Titan, Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Blood and Violence, Character Death, Explicit Sexual Content, F/F, F/M, First Time, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Friends to Lovers, Gen, Graphic Description of Corpses, Lovers to Friends, M/M, Major Character Injury, Multi, Other, Sexual Tension, Slow Burn, Slow Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-10
Updated: 2021-02-28
Packaged: 2021-03-10 02:54:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 13
Words: 49,059
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27997080
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rysie/pseuds/Rysie
Summary: Lilith Evergreen never wanted to be a soldier, but a teacher in the underground to help orphans and teach them the skills they need to survive.Everything went differently for her when her father, who was one commander of the military police, found out about her actions in the underground.He immediately forbade her to continue her teacher training and sent her to 99 th training corps to be trained as a soldier.Against her will, she had to admit her defeat and endured her father's judgment.With the aim of being among the top 10 soldiers, Lilith trained a lot in order to achieve her dream of having permission to go to the military police and coming that way back home.But life doesn't always play out the way we want it to, and to her surprise, instead of the military police, she found herself in the clutches of the Survey Corps after her training, serving humanity as a member of the new Levi squad.
Relationships: Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin)/Original Female Character(s)
Comments: 11
Kudos: 64





	1. The Beginning, Part 1

**Author's Note:**

> Yep. I just began another Levi/OC fic.  
> The idea of this fanfiction came into my mind when I worked on my other story and I just needed to write it down. I hope you will like the story :) 
> 
> Notes:  
> -English is not my first language  
> -The story is guided by the manga mixed in with a lot of Uncanon stuff that I made up  
> \- So bear in mind there will be Manga Spoilers included in later Chapters, but I will note each Chapter with possible spoilers  
> -*SLOW BURN* and I really mean slow burn ~ I am (not) sorry :D

**_Year 842, Mitras_ **

“Young Lady.” Gabriella, the Handmaiden of the family Evergreen said strictly, when she saw me entering the locker room. “You’re late. Again.”  
  
“I am sorry, Gabriella.” I answered half hearted.  
  
“Spare me with your lies Lilith and hurry, your parents are awaiting you for dinner. There is no time to dawdle.”  
  
Knowing that Gabriella will be the one punished, shall I come too late, I decided to do what she was asked for and undressed myself.  
  
“By the Walls Young Lady, you should be more careful.” the Maiden complained when she saw the bruises on my bare skin.  
  
“I fell down from a tree.”  
  
“Sure. You can tell that fairytale the Titans.”  
  
It was not a fairytale. I really fell down from a tree while I tried to swing myself from one tree to another like a monkey, till I was able to reach Gilbert’s house. But this part should I probably keep to myself.  
  
And so I stayed silent and endured that Gabriella measured my dimensions for a new silly dress.  
  
“So, what did happen, Young Lady?”  
  
I enjoyed it when Gabriella used this pet name. It gave me the feeling that I was still a young child, protected by her from the world, although I will turn 16 in a couple of days.  
  
Slowly I could feel how warm uncontrolled tears touched my face and how the pain eroded me from inside. I didn’t want to talk about it, it just hurted too much.  
  
“Oh dear.” Gabriella said sympathetic as she already knew what the cause for my tears was and stroked gently my raven black hair.  
  
“Is he alright?”  
  
“I don’t know. I was not allowed to see him since then.”  
  
“What in hell drove you two to go down there, anyways?”  
  
“It was my fault..I wanted to see the Underground...Gilbert was against it from the beginning, but he was so worried - he just could not let me go alone and I would have gone without him but I knew. I knew that he wouldn’t let me go alone and I abused his care. This is all my fault.” 

Once again I just told Gabriella the half truth, I didn’t want to worry her more than I already did. Since I was a young child I was only a burden to her.  
  
But fact is, that it wasn’t our first time down there. Since I found out that the Underground City of Mitras was full of homeless orphans who needed help, I just could not sit silently in my pretty room in my fancy dress and ignore the dark truth that lingers in the Underground. The dark City was a part of our home anyway, I never understood why the King never stretched a single finger to help those people.  
  
At my first visit I had to realize that he probably just didn’t care, because those people lived in the worst conditions imaginable. How could they not turn into criminals when nobody offered them any perspective?  
  
So I believed that, if I am able to spend some time with the orphans, teach them all the basics they need, like reading, writing and some maths, perhaps I could make a change and so I began to visit them twice a week, bringing food, clean water, clean clothes and books with me.  
  
The only one who knew about it was Gilbert and he insisted to follow me, because he was too afraid that something could happen to me in the City. And even when he was not a big fan of my ideas at first, Gilbert too began to care about those kids and helped me as much as he could.  
  
In the distance one could probably claim that we looked like a big family and the orphans referred to us as “big brother and sister.” I felt so much more at home with them than with my actual family, who had ruined this whole thing for us.  
  
The maiden sighed and turned to me, so that she was able to see my face and whisked my tears away.  
  
Gabriella was the most beautiful and nicest woman I knew. She had rare golden-yellow eyes, long wavy vermillion hair with bangs and a smile on her face that would usually vanish all of my worries. But today her magic smile did not work.  
  
“Go and wash your face, I’m done. I am going to tell your parents that you will come right away, don’t let them wait much longer.”  
  
I nodded, afraid what would happen if my parents would see me in the state I am right now, both of them were already heated up, because of what happened.  
  
Gabriella nodded too and gave me a soft kiss on the forehead.  
  
“Hurry.” 

For this reason, I ran as fast as I could to one the bathrooms of the Evergreen estate. In my opinion our house is way too big, but father was special in many ways and one of those reasons was that he is a commander of the military police and so our family could enjoy a high reputation in Mitras.  
  
The splash of cold water brought a little bit of life back to my face, but as I could see in the Mirror, my teal eyes were still marked with red lines.  
  
“Dammit.” I cursed, knowing that there was no way that my family would overlook the hints of a once crying face.  
  
I stepped a little back to check my whole body and began to pluck my black shoulder-length bob till every strain sitted perfectly and my bangs laid in symmetry on her forehead.  
  
 _‘Alright.’_  
  
I clapped myself three times to give my cheekbones some pink undertone and then I observed my outfit, a simple red blouse and a green-blue checkered skirt with a black pantyhose.  
  
 _‘It will be alright, Lilith. It will be alright.’_ _  
__  
_It tried to calm myself down as possible and polished my black low shoes with a tissue before I was finally ready to leave the bathroom.  
  
The way to the dining room seemed like an eternity. Perhaps because my feet moved only forward with baby steps. I didn’t want to see my family. Not now. Not later. Never. 

“She is just a spoiled child, who needs to learn its place.” She heard father say in the dining room.  
  
Only a closed door separated the family from each other now and I could hear everything they were saying inside the room.  
  
“I agree father.”  
  
Like always Leliana used every single moment to smear honey around fathers face. And the worst part was, that he liked it a lot and so Leliana was his favourite child, there was no way to deny that.  
  
“I am just worried that nobody will ever want to marry her. I mean look at her, she acts like a boy and is most of the time dirty. Like a rat. Disgusting. How can she be my daughter? Who wants to enter willingly the Underground? Only Rats go down there”.  
  
The words of mother hit me like 1000 knife stitches. Not just once was I a pure disappointment to her.  
  
 _‘I just wanted to help those children.’_

“Don’t forget that it was Gilbert who convinced her to go down there.” John, who also served in the military, said.  
  
 _‘That’s not true... that’s not true. I already told y’all that the whole thing was my idea. Please stop punishing Gilbert for my choices.’_

Tears collected again in my eyes but I didn’t dare to let them out. At least not now.  
  
 _‘This is not fair.’_

“If she wants to act like a boy, maybe we shall treat her like one.” The tone of father sounded sharp and I almost came to the point where I didn’t care anymore and was about to let my tears free, but a squeeze on my shoulders brought me back to senses.  
  
 _‘Gabriella.’_ _  
__  
_I could see how the woman shook her head and pointed to the door.  
  
I sighed in frustration, if I dared to run away now, the anger of my family would hit mainly the maiden and perhaps she would lose her position here in the house.  
  
No. I didn’t want Gabriella to leave, she was the only one in the house who at least tried to understand me.  
  
So I took a deep breath and opened the closed door and bowed to show my family my respect.  
  
“Illi!” the youngest member of their family, Elizabeth, who is only about two years, screamed out of joy when she saw me.  
  
The look of my baby sister gave me some kind of peace. Elizabeth was so pure and full of love and I couldn't help myself and just adore Eli in every way possible. Like the twins John and Leliana, Elizabeth too had golden blond hair and an eyecolor that reminded one of the pure blue sky. People keep telling that they look exactly like mother, while I inherited the raven black hair and teal eyes from our father.  
Sadly this was the only thing we had in common.  
  
“Late. As always.” Her father complained.  
  
“I am sorry.” I whispered and waited for the allowance to sit down.  
  
I could feel the weight of the disgusted look of mother and it almost tore me apart. I am so sick of being the black sheep in the family.  
  
 _‘I am so sorry that I am such a failure.’_  
  
“Sit.”  
  
“Thank you father.”  
  
My place was right besides Elizabeth and across from the twins, while mother and father sat each on the end of the rectangular wooden table.  
  
I sat down and took the time to caress my sister's cheeks and enjoyed the giggles of Elizabeth before Gabriella came in and served our appetizer.  
  
“Father, I will probably soon be promoted to a captain.” John broke the silence that weighed in the room for too long.  
  
“I didn’t expect less from you, my son.”  
  
John's lips curled up to a smile and looked at me with a sassy look.  
  
It was unusual for an 18 year old to be promoted as a captain, but if someone would be able to do so, it was John. He was an excellent soldier and his skills with the vertical maneuver gear let others fade in envy.  
  
“Darius Zackly accepted me as his assistant.”, Leliana clenched in to get some of the laurel berries too.  
“What about you Lil, thinking of becoming a professional mongrel? You sure look already like one.” she added.  
  
I swallowed. In the presence of my family I felt always helpless and my self-assurance vanishes into the abyss when they started pecking around about my personality. I hated it. I hated it so much. I wish I could be stronger, braver. I just wished that I could just once hold myself up against them. Nothing more would be needed to regain some of my missing pride.

“I...I-..I still want to become a teacher.”  
“Forget it.” 

After fathers harsh words I just felt smaller than I already was, although it wasn’t to be seen from the outside. 

“Me and your mother had a very long talk about your behaviour in the past.” the man deliberately took a break before he continued speaking.  
  
“Do you even know how ashamed I was, when my own man told me that they have found you in the Underground?”  
  
 _‘Please not this again.’_ I begged in my thoughts.  
  
“Are you aware of what diseases you could have brought with you from these children? How in the world did you have the courage to include Gilbert in your stupid plans? Do you even know what a fight we are with the Rose family right now?!”  
  
Finally someone acknowledged that this disaster was not Gilbert's fault, yet I felt guilty to have stirred up a fight between the two families, who had been friends forever.  
  
“Do you at last regret your actions?!” His screaming voice resonated in the dining room and managed to make Elizabeth cry.  
  
Instantly Gabriella hushed in and took care of the child. Before she left the room she gifted me a worried look. She heard these things for the first time and I was sure that she was able to count one and one together.  
  
 _‘I don’t regret it.’_  
  
 _‘I don’t regret it._  
  
 _‘Say it.. I don’t regret it.’_

“I.. I...regret it…”  
  
 _‘Stop, Lilith. You don’t regret it.’_  
  
“I regret causing Gilbert troubles...I regret causing you worries..but..-”  
  
“But I don’t regret going down there! How is this possible, father?! How can we live in luxury and throw meals away, while these people have to fight for their own survival every single fucking day? THAT IS NOT FAIR!”

I felt stronger after those words left my lips, but my just regained confidence got immediately shattered by Leliana and John, who loudly started laughing like vultures in the choir.  
  
Father's face became more and more reddish from second to second and I was afraid that he would freak out at any moment and began to hurt me like always when he was mad.  
But to my surprise and apparently mothers, who only looked shocked at him, he did not do such a thing. Instead he tried furthermore to talk to me.  
  
“So you think you did something good by helping those brats?”  
  
Is he truly asking me for my opinion?  
  
I nodded. Not knowing what to expect from him now.  
  
“Stupid child. By helping them you just took the opportunity from them to grow stronger, it probably made you stronger, left you in the belief that you are a good person. But in the end,they will just suffer more. What will those children do now, since you are not able to go down anymore? I tell you what. They will ask themselves why you didn’t show up anymore and then they will start to blame themselves, although it was your fault from the very start. I am telling you once more Lilith. Know your place and don’t push your nose into things that don't have to burden you!” 

My mouth just stood wide open, did he really mean those things he just said? But the man was not finished.  
  
“I am tired of your face. So fucking tired. I tried and I tried, giving you opportunities for a good future, but you threw them all away like trash. You little piece of shit don’t know how to be thankful. You should be thankful for all of this!”.  
  
He stood up and reached out his hands.  
  
“But instead all you can do is complain all day long. It is enough. I noted your name for the next training corps. There you’ll hopefully learn how to be respectful, how to be thankful. With the understanding that of course you survive. Show me and proof to me that you honor our family and become your squad best and then come back to us and join the Military Police!”  
  
“But..I _never_ wanted to be a soldier, you know..”  
  
“There is no space for your needs Lilith!” he rumbled.  
  
“Do as I say! Go to your room and pack your stuff together, you will leave tomorrow!”  
  
 _What?! Tomorrow..but...but..but...no.. I don’t want to._

✾ ✾

Still upset about what happened just a few minutes ago, I couldn’t find the strength to concentrate on my task. My face was full of tears.  
  
In some ways perhaps I should be happy that I have the possibility to escape this nightmare at home, but the thought of leaving Elizabeth, Gabriella and Gilbert behind broke my heart.  
How should I live without them? Even if I manage to survive the Training Corps, I must get under the best 10 soldiers to be allowed to go to the Military Police. How on earth should I handle that? I trained here and there with Gilbert, but I would not dare to say that I am a born soldier.  
  
I sighed.  
  
 _Gilbert._

What will happen to him now? He was supposed to enter the Military Police nethertheless, hopefully his family didn’t turn back on their plan only because of me. He was trained as a child to become a soldier of the military one day, it wouldn't be fair. It just would not.  
  
Or Elizabeth? What about her? Three years are long, will she even remember me when I am coming back home?  
  
Suddenly I could hear as someone tried to throw small pebbles against my window. When I opened it I could not believe my own eyes. _Gilbert._ _  
__  
_“You should not be here.” I almost sounded like I would beg him to go again when he jumped without fear in my room, like he always did in secret.  
  
He ignored my fears and gave me a passionate kiss as a greeting.  
  
“It’s been too long.” he said, smiling holding me close to his chest, his arms wrapped tightly around my back.  
  
“Gilbert.” I tried once again to convince him that this was not a good idea.  
  
“Don’t worry small flower, I am just here to check on you. Your fall from that tree before was nothing but graceful.”, he teased me and I could feel how I immediately blushed.  
  
“It was really hard to overlook. Even mother saw you.” he laughed.  
  
“SHHHHHH!” I put my index finger on his mouth. “Don’t be so fucking loud!” 

“Oi, did you just hear me? Even my mother saw you.” he continued giggling.  
  
His green eyes beamed as always like the most precious emeralds in the whole wide world, but even if I was happy to see him. I just couldn’t actually be _happy_ to see him here. 

“How..How can you be so calm?” I asked him hiding myself again in his arms.  
  
“Because I missed you, stupid.” he answered this time with a much lower voice.  
  
“I don’t care if I get caught. I am as of tomorrow stationed in Stohess and I could not forgive myself, if I didn’t see you a last time before my department.  
  
 _‘So he is allowed to go, thanks god.’_

Holding his hands tight, I stepped a few steps back to see him fully. Gilbert is a man with a tall stature, thin waist, broad shoulders with emerald-green eyes and blackish blue hair, which are slicked back with gel, although he allowed some locks falling freely in his face.  
  
Gilbert and I were childhood friends since we both are able to think and started dating a year ago. A life without Gilbert is unadjustable, he was always by my side, making me cry and laugh at the same time, comforting me when I was sad. Just overall the bestfriend and boyfriend one can wish for.  
  
He drew me close to him and whispered gently in my ear; “I’ll work hard I promise and when you’re old enough I will come to get you. We would be able to live our lives forever together and we will never ever have to be afraid of our parents. Just you and I.”  
  
I felt how he grabbed one of my hands, squeezed it a little and then softly pulled a ring on my ring finger.  
  
“Happy Birthday, Lilith. I know I am way too early. For your Birthday Present and this...but will you marry me one day?”  
  
My eyes were filled with tears not knowing what I should say, I just stared at him. It must have given him the wrong vibes because I could see how he got slowly uncomfortable.  
  
“I mean when we are old enough. Not right now...when you and I are ready...when you are a teacher and I a Commander...we…-”  
  
“Stupid.” I said softly. Yes he was stupid, but he was mine. All mine and I loved him with all of my heart.  
  
I placed the palm of my hands on his warm cheeks and began to caress them.  
  
“Of course I want to.”  
  
At this point I couldn’t help it and just let down my tears and kissed him.  
  
 _‘Damn I am such a Crybaby today.’_ _  
  
_

_‘I was so happy at this moment_ _  
__  
__But then I remembered.._

 _...I almost forgot.._ _  
__  
__..how could I… ‘_  
  
“Gilbert.”  
  
‘ _..Reality is getting in my way…’_ _  
__  
_“Hmmm?”  
  
‘...How should I tell him? He won’t be amused. He would be worried just like Gabriella…’  
  
“My father is sending me to the Training Corps.” I said briefly, like there was nothing wrong with it.  
  
“But...But..”he shuttered.  
  
“Aren’t you too old to go to the Training Corps?”  
  
“Apparently not” I said so quietly that I was not sure if he heard my tiny voice.  
  
“But...you are _not_ a soldier..how could you…”  
  
‘ _Thank you for the indication master detective…’_

“Listen. I’ll try my best to get under the best 10 and then I’ll be able to follow you to the military police. Should luck not be by my side, then I’ll join the garrison. Do not worry, please. I’ll survive.. _somehow.”_ _  
__  
__“_ Yes...Yes..you are right...thankfully we trained together before. You can manage that!”  
  
“I will Gilbert..for our future.”  
  
‘ _Damn how can I be so damn in love with him.’_

“Yes you will.” he kissed the palm of my hands. “But whatever you are up to, don’t come to the stupid idea of joining the survey corps!”  
  
I chuckled at his comment, not really sure why he thinks I would ever do such a thing.  
  
“Why should I do that, Gil?”  
  
“I don’t know, you’re the crazy one here. I don’t know anybody else who would enter the Underground willingly.”  
  
The corners of my lips went up and he noticed, because the next thing he said to me was a better gift than this ring of his.  
  
“But that’s the reason why I love you, small flower.”  
  
I smirked and fell again into his arms.  
  
“Gil?”  
  
“Hm?”  
  
“Do you think we actually can help the Underground once we are in the Military Police?”  
  
“I bet we can.”  
  
 _Sometimes I wish I could gain my naivety back. Being 15, being in love. All of that seemed so beautiful and wonderful. All of my dreams were full of hope, I thought I had really the power to change something. All of my problems seem so ridiculous right now. Oh precious child, in what world you have pushed yourself in.._

✾✾

**_Year 842, Wall Maria_**

And there I was, wihtin Wall Maria. Beginning my training as a soldier at the 99th Training Corps. My farewells to my family were not really heartwarming. The only one who only cried about me was Gabriella. Before my department she promised me that she would write me as many letters as possible and so did Gilbert.  
  
Elizabeth was probably not in the mentally prepared to fully understand what was about to happen, so she acted like it was just a normal day and brabbeled, “See yu ‘ater Illy”, when I entered the wagon that would bring me to the Training Camp.  
  
And there was I…  
  
“HEY, YOU THERE!!”  
  
My whole body winced when I heard the trainers scream. Luckily it was not directed to me.  
  
“SIR!”, a middle tall girl, with brown hair and fawn eyes answered. Obviously nervous.  
  
“WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?!??!?!”  
  
“NINA STRAUSS, SIR! FROM THE SHIGANSHINA DISTRICT!”  
  
All newbies stayed in a row and saluted, while the trainer, not a really nice guy in my opinion, took a look to observe his new cadets.  
  
“OH YEAH !!?? SILLY NAME THAT!! YOUR PARENTS GAVE IT TO YOU ?!?!”  
  
The man was so close to the poor girl that he probably spat in her face several times by now.  
  
“YES SIR!!!”  
  
”WHAT ARE YOU HERE FOR STRAUSS ?!?!?!”  
  
“TO CONTRIBUTE TOWARDS HUMAN KINDS’S VICTORY SIR!!!”  
  
“THAT’S WHAT I LIKE TO HEAR!!! YOU’RE GONNA MAKE GREAT TITAN FOOD IF IT COMES TO THAT!!!”  
  
 _‘Ass.’_

I could watch how the girl put all her energy to hold her tears together, while the trainer was still focusing on her. What was the point at yelling at all those cadets? She was not the first and last one. But for a strange reason he didn’t point any attention towards me and some other newbies.  
  
Later on, after we introduced ourselves to each other, the training began without a break and we had the first chance to test the 3D Maneuver. Luckily Gilbert trained with me beforehand and I was able to balance my body in between the strings without a problem. 

“What’s your name, cadet?”  
  
The trainer came closer to me and I could feel his warm breath on my face.  
  
 _‘That Bastard is just too close. I will not give him the stratification of barking back like a scared dog. ’_ _  
__  
_“Lilith Evergreen, Sir.” I said with a formal voice.  
  
Funny how I could be just _me_ , without being afraid of my family all the time. 

He stared at me for quite a while without saying a word, because of his demeanor I suspected that he knew exactly who I was and therefore watched me especially. Do I owe it to my father?  
  
“Evergreen. I see. Keep going.”  
  
I sighed in relief, the last thing I needed was someone to question me about my family tree.

✾✾

“WHOAAAAAH, you were amazing today, how did you do that?! How can you be so good on our first day??”  
  
I had the pleasure to share the bedroom with Nina Strauss and other 16 random girls, which names I already forgot.  
I didn’t really know what to answer Nina, to brag that I could practice with Gilbert many times before, didn’t seem right to me, so I just winced with my shoulders in hope that she would let it rest on it.  
  
“Don’t lie.” another roommate stated, I didn’t like her attitude from the start.  
“You’re Edward’s Evergreens daughter are you not?”  
  
“Huh, you’re someone special then?” Nina stared at me with her fawn eyes.  
  
 _‘What the fuck? No I am not?’_

It annoyed me that Dad was in such a high position and almost a celebrity. Whoever this girl is, she must know who my father is. _  
__  
_“I am not.”  
  
“That would explain why you are here. Aren’t nobels supposed to be trained as children and enter the Military Police without the need of beforehand the Training Corps? ” the girl giggled.  
  
“Oi. Iris, don’t you think it is enough?”, another voice clinged in.  
  
“Enough? No it is not. My father is working for this tyrann of man. The Evergreens are just interested in themselves and do not care about others! Filthy stupid nobels! My father works everyday really hard and this stupid ass has nothing better to do, than make his life more difficult than it already is!”  
  
Oh. Yeah. Father is an ass to his employees. They get little paid, have to work overtime and rarely get any free days.  
  
“I am sorry.” _And I honestly was._ “But I am not my father, don’t blame me for his shit.”  
  
And with that I left the room. They have ruin everything for me, don't they?  
  
I was really tired but I didn’t have the intention to go back to the dorm anytime soon, so I searched for a quiet place to rest my mind a little. Not long after I walked through nature, I found a spot where I had a perfect sight to the full moon.  
  
I placed myself on the ground and put the ring down from my finger and let it slide it through my fingers and held it against the moonlight. The ring was a broad, gray metal one with the inscription “Lilithx Gilbert” on the inside.  
  
 _‘Hopeless romantic.’_ I groaned. _‘I miss you idiot. I hope the three years pass really quickly.’_ _  
__  
_I let myself now completely on the ground and let my thoughts wander around. Tomorrow was my birthday, it was the first time I would celebrate it on my own. But it would also be the first time I didn’t have to wear a silly dress and have to face different people who I didn’t actually know.  
  
I never was a fan of dresses, but I wore them all because I knew how much love and afford Gabriella put in them to sew them.  
  
A frustrated, longing sigh left my mouth again. Who have thought that I would miss Mitras. No...I don’t miss Mitras...I miss my beloved ones..  
  
“Ehm...I am sorry.”  
  
A fond voice distracted me from my daydreams and when I turned to see who it was, I looked directly in Nina's innocent fawn eyes.  
  
“Here you are...I looked everywhere for you...I hope Iris didn’t hurt you much with her words...I bet she didn’t mean any harm!”  
  
 _‘She was worried about me??’_ _  
__  
_“Don’t worry, I am alright.” was all that my lungs could release.  
  
She smiled happily and she almost reminded me of Gabriella. I bet she was once just like Nina when she was younger.  
  
“Can I sit?” She pointed at the ground besides me and I nodded.  
  
“Ehm...I am sorry that I didn’t know who your family is...Iris explained it to me afterwards..I am really sorry..-”  
  
“You don’t have to.” I interrupted her as quickly as I could. “I don’t want to be associated with them anyways.”  
  
“Oh…” she paused for some seconds..”It is a wonderful summer night, isn’t it?”  
  
I giggled, did she just switch the topic because she thought I was feeling uncomfortable? She really is like Gabriella.  
  
“Why are you laughing?” she asked, confused.  
  
“It is nothing, you just reminded me of someone.”  
  
“Someone important?”  
  
“Mhm.”  
  
She smiled at me again in such a lovely way that my heart almost melted away. I was in some way relieved to know that there were more people out there like Gabriella, the world needed such good people. It seemed to me that I was almost jealous that I could not beam out such a charisma.  
  
“Ehm..Lilith..right? Ehm...don’t laugh at me but… but..”, she began to stutter.  
  
“But?”  
  
“Could..Could..Could you show me how to use the Gear right? I had such problems with it today and I..”  
  
“Sure.”  
  
“WHAAAAT REAAAALLY?!??! You were the first one I didn't have to argue with !!”  
  
I laughed inside, so I was not her first choice? But I didn’t mind. Gilbert said once to me, that he only wanted to train me with the gear, so that he could get a better understanding of it on his own. So it would also benefit me, if I helped her. So no problems there.  
  
“It’s alright.” I smiled when I saw her excited face.  
  
“I look forward to it!!” she screamed in the night sky and jumped excited around. 

✾✾

**_Year 845, Wall Maria_**

3 Year passed. Slow and painful but they passed. In these years I had an intensive letter exchange with Gabriella. Gabriella was so nice to put for me here and there some portraits from Eli as an insert, so I was able to see how she changed through the times. Elizabeth is about 5 years old now and looked, not to my surprise, exactly like mother.  
  
In addition, Gabriella informed me that she has taken care of the orphans and that she is now visiting them regularly in my place. According to them, the children miss me terribly and can hardly wait to see me again. This information filled my heart with happiness and I could not wait to see these brats as soon as possible. 

I received no letters from my father or mother, as is the case with the twins. They just didn't seem to care, although sometimes I tried to reach them. God knows why.  
  
Gilbert and I exchanged also a lot of letters, but somehow he did not reply to me after a year. I thought the worst and tried to reach out to him, but he never wrote back. Sadly I was not able to track down where he was, what he was doing or if he was actually alright. It tore me apart and made the time pass twice as slow as before. I just prayed to the walls that he was alright. Soon I would be able to hold him again in my arms. Hopefully.  
  
For the most part I was focused on my training and avoided every unnecessary meeting with the other cadets, except for Nina. She and I became really good friends and we spent the most time train together.  
  
I learned that she grew up on a farm and wanted to give her parents a hand in making extra money as a soldier. She said from the beginning that she wanted to join the Survey Corps, because in her eyes they were noble soldiers and I did everything in my power to talk her out of it, but in vain. She was extremely stubborn and did everything in her best to improve her skills, especially in combat and sword fighting.  
  
I didn’t like the idea of her going outside the walls, facing the devils in person. But I gave it up to pursue her.  
  
So there were we. In our last year of instruction, soon able to choose a military branch. But before that, the military branches would come over and introduce every branch explicitly.  
  
“Lilith!!!!” Nina screamed into my ears and I had the feeling that my eardrums would explode.  
  
“Hm?”  
  
I felt guilty for not showing more interest in her right now, but I was too busy writing a letter to Gabriella.  
  
“Imagine Levi would come too !! Wouldn’t that be exciting?”  
  
“Who?”  
  
“WHAAAAAAT?!?!?! What moon do you live on?!?! Don't tell me you haven't heard from Levi before ???”  
  
“No? Who should that be?” 

“Arghhhhh. You’re breaking my heart.”  
  
She played as a victim who had just been shot down by a gun when she fell to the ground and gasped.  
  
"Clown". I grinned at her role play, she had a knack for exaggerating.

“LEVI IS PROBABLY THE STRONGEST SOLDIER OUT THERE; IT IS SAID THAT HE SLAYED THOUSANDS OF TITANS JUST BY HIS OWN!!!!” _  
__  
__‘Oh. Someone from the scouts, why am I not surprised?’_

“LILITH!!! THOUSAAAANDS!!!! I’ve also heard that he just got promoted as a squad leader….ooooh imagine me entering his squad!!”  
  
She put both her hands on her cheeks as she dreamed of her future, with a big great smile on her face.  
  
I sighed. I wanted to say something, but decided not to, it would just leave her ears anyways.  
  
“Then let's hope your prince will show up on his white horse.”  
  
“Black Mare.”

“What?”  
  
“He has a black mare.”  
  
“Stalker.”  
  
She giggled. “He has also raven black hair just like you!!! But his hair is done in the undercut. Would be weird if he had so long hair as you have, wouldn't it? By the way, your hair really got long, don’t you want to cut them before the Corps are coming?” 

She was right, my hair almost reached my belly button, but I always wore a ponytail so they never bothered.  
  
“Nah.”  
  
She giggled again.  
  
“AAAAAAAAND, people are saying that he has intimidating dull grey eyes, always looking bored or tired.”  
  
“Alright Strauss, now you are creepy. Cut it off.” I softly poked her cheeks.  
  
“Theheh, and he is smaall. Like reaaally reaaaally small.”  
  
“When did you even see him?”  
  
“Everytime when they returned from an Expedition.” she said proud.  
  
Right. She always wasted her free days for these occasions.  
  
“And.” She gasped for some air. “Did you remember when I told you that I think that Erwin Smith will be very soon Commander??? Guess what!!”  
  
“He got the position?”  
  
She nodded energetically.  
  
“Oi Lilith, everything alright? You look pale. Are you ill? Should I go for a doctor??”  
  
I...I was really not feeling that well. I had mixed feelings. When the military police are coming I will get the chance to finally find out what happened to Gil. Or maybe..just maybe...see him with my own eyes?  
  
I wrapped the palms of my arms around his ring that I wore now as a necklace on my neck.  
  
“Oh..I understand...I am so sorry I…”  
  
 _Eventually I have told her everything.._  
  
“You have nothing to apologize for Nina, it is alright.”  
  
Nina wrapped me worried in her arms and stroked her cheek against mine.  
  
“He will come. I feel it in my guts.” she said and held me like this for a while. I would normally feel very uncomfortable in this position, but I let it be, it was just Nina afterall.  
  
But how should I react? It’s been 3 years. Why didn’t he answer me?  
…  
The roar of the siren dissolved the physical contact between us and we both looked each other in the eye.  
  
“Are you ready?” Nina asked softly.  
  
I nodded and wrapped the jacket of my training uniform around my shoulders.  
  
“Let’s see which of us got the first place, Strauss.”  
  
Nina's worried face turned in her usual happy one and she grinned while saying; “The first place is of course mine Evergreen, you should not have trained me. Your fault.”  
  
She showed me her tongue but her attempt to appear sassy was immediately interrupted by her own laughter.  
  
Her laugh was so contagious that I couldn't help but join her laugh.  
  
“I am going to miss you Nina, really.” I said and now it was my turn to hug her.  
  
“Well you wouldn’t have to, if you would join the scouts with me! Imagine! Us two against the titans!”  
  
“They would have no chance.” I answered, willing to play along with her play for a while, since we both knew that I would never join the scouts.  
  
“Yeah, yeah. But It would be hard though. We would have to fight over Levi!”  
  
“No worries here Nina, I am not that much into short men.” I grinned and with that I left the room and moved myself to the training ground, where we should welcome our guests.  
  
The first to come where the scouts. Their troop was not very large. I remember Nina telling me that their last expedition hadn't gone very well and that they had lost many men and women in the battle against the Titans. Such a waste in my eyes they could have just stayed within the walls where they are safe.  
  
The front was led by a man, who I assumed to be Erwin Smith. Right beside him I noticed a black mare.  
  
“There he is. There he is!” I heard Nina squeezing.

And he looked exactly like Nina's description. Small. Bored look. Black hair in an undercut. He had a pretty face though, you have to give him that, but nothing in comparison to Gil. I wonder what he looks like now. Did he grow even more? Probably he is about 78,74” by now.  
  
The next to come were the soldiers from the Garrison. To be fair, I didn’t know any of those faces.  
  
And at last...the police military. And there he was. Healthy and happy. In all its glory. Grown as expected. His unbranded face was suddenly not so unbranded as it was covered by a scar on the left side of his cheek and above his left eye. His emerald green eyes met mine immediately and he gave me a warm smile. His lips moved into a "long time not seen".  
  
 _‘Why...why..I thought you were dead..’_

Behind Gilbert I saw a silhouette that was just as familiar to me..John.  
  
 _‘Why…’_


	2. The Beginning, Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Fall of Wall Maria, 845. 
> 
> This chapter contains sensitive topics such as death, suicide and violence.  
> Be aware and don't read it if you don't feel comfortable with it - take care of yourself :)

  
I felt how my whole body trembled, how my veins pounded and my heart hammered in an irregular rhythm. 

Gilbert's gaze was locked on mine, but I didn’t know what they wanted to tell me. For the first time, his aura made me feel uncomfortable, so I forced myself away from his gaze and searched for some comfort in Nina’s eyes. But the brunette was on cloud nine while she could watch her everyday heroes up close. She did not feel my soft cries for help.  
  
 _‘Endure. He will explain. He’s still the same. Isn’t he? When all this is over, we can go home together and live a fulfilled life. Father and Mother will start to respect me, as will Leliana and John. I’ll be able to hold Elizabeth in my arms and see Gabriella's soft smile. I will wear every single dress she scews for me. Every single one, it doesn’t matter how uncomfortable they are. Just endure. Everything will be fine. I’ll be able to join the Military Police today and go home. Everything will be alright. ‘_  
  
But no matter how much I tried to calm myself, life seemed to play a bad game with me again.  
As the soldiers grouped up I could watch how Gilbert was helping a woman off her horse. She thankfully took his hand and let him carry her to the ground. The woman, whoever she was, looked at him with a soft smile and thanked him with a kiss on his lips.  
I waited for him to push her away, but the moment never came. Instead, he took her hand and joined his squad with a downward-looking face.  
  
The rate of my heartbeat increased sharply as I gasped for air. Suddenly I could feel how all my senses have failed and everything around me felt dull and blurry. The coaches' lips could move as much as they wanted, I couldn't hear a single word leaving his mouth. All I saw was that kiss repeat itself in my head.  
 _  
_“Lilith. Everything alright?”  
  
I could feel Nina’s touch on my shoulders. Slowly all the missing pieces did come together and I could perceive everything normal again. The once full training ground was now empty. All that remained were the units' horses and carriages.

“Is he here? Was it that blonde guy with the blue eyes? He was staring at you the whole time.” 

When I didn't answer, Nina pulled me after her. “Okay, I get it. We’ll talk later. But for now we have to move. They will now announce the best soldiers in the Cantina and then there will be a big feast, to honor those.”  
  
 _‘The best soldiers...Is that still important?’_  
  
“Nina.” I said while she dragged me to the cantina.  
  
“Aye?”  
  
“What about the presentations?”  
  
“There are over, idiot. Did you fall asleep?”

✾ ✾

_The cantina hasn't been as full since day one as it is today. For various reasons, some didn't have the nerve to complete their education, others just weren't strong enough and had to leave involuntarily, while many others died agonizing deaths during the training._

_But we, those standing today, made it. We were strong enough._  
  
“Peace has lasted for 100 years now. There has been no attack by the titans in the past 100 years. Nonetheless, it is important that we always have capable soldiers ready for action. From this day on you will be one of these soldiers. If the Titans ever attack again, then it is your Duty to assist the manufacturers, sacrificing your lives to oppose the Titan threat! YOU WILL SACRIFICE YOUR ALL!!!”  
 **_  
_** **_“SIR!!!!”_ **

_There was something strange about being watched by each branch during the graduation ceremony. All eyes were on us and I could feel how especially the looks of Gilbert and John pierced me. Somehow I managed to exchange not a single sentence with either of them and to be honest, I wasn't planning to._

_I was still confused about what I saw, but I have come to the conclusion that I don't need an explanation from Gilbert. His missing letters said everything that had to be said, didn't they? His future has apparently changed and I seem to have run out of space in his new future._ _  
__  
__Still I felt incredibly ridiculous. I worked for three years to get into the military police. I haven't given a single thought to other men or other distractions. But it looks like I wasn't worth the effort. Why is that still astonishing to me? Shouldn't I be used to being interchangeable by now._ _  
_  
“Today you have completed your military training.. I will now announce the 10 best among those who obtained satisfactory results. Step forward at the mention of your name.”

“First: Lilith Evergreen.  
Second: Alexander Dale  
Third: Mario Spencer  
Fourth: Nina Strauss  
Fifth: Tristan Allen  
Sixth: Darin Wade  
Seventh: Neil West  
Eight: Gregg Shepard  
Ninth: Iris Witt  
Tenth: Josephine Fisher  
  
That is all.  
  
Now that you’ve completed your formatations, you have three alternatives.  
  
The Garrison, reinforcing the walls and protecting every town.  
The Survey Corps, ready to sacrifice their lives outside the walls to engage the titans on their home turf.  
And last, the king-controlled Military Police, who regulate the population and maintain order.  
  
It goes without saying, but among the freshest recruits, only the top 10 may directly apply for the military police force. 

Every Branch already told you about their duties and tasks in detail, so choose wise, tomorrow you will apply for your assignments and today marks the end and the disbanding of the 99th trainees squad over! “  
  
 **_“SIR!!”_ ** **_  
_** **_  
_** _It is over. But what comes next for me? What should I do now? Did all my dreams just shattered? Does it still matter? Should I try to help the Underground without Gilbert? Perhaps that is my way. Maybe the first place will still somehow benefit me as the efforts I put into becoming a good soldier._

The celebration began shortly after the ceremony. It was a nice day for a party and most people went outside to enjoy the late summer weather. The sun was slowly going down and for this reason the heat rays from the sun were more bearable than in the middle of the day.

In the whole turmoil I lost sight of Nina very quickly, but I suspected that the girl was trying to make contact with the Survey Corps, so I didn't even try to look for her because I didn't want to disturb her.  
  
I took this as an opportunity to visit the hill that I visited on my first day here. The view was the same as three years ago, only today I could admire a clear blue sky instead of a starry blanket.  
  
But I not only paid attention to the sky, but also to the shiganshina district, which you could see perfectly from here. On my days off, I would come here regularly and watch people go about their daily lives. It helped me calm down and sort through my often confused thoughts. At the same time, I really liked how lively the village looked, even though it was much smaller compared to Mitras. Perhaps that was why people appeared so happy and content.

Sometimes I imagined how Nina, as a little girl, ran through the narrow streets and must have played catch with her friends. These are freedoms that Gilbert and I were mostly spared, since our parents always taught us privately together.  
  
 _Why do I still think about him? What’s wrong with me? Why did I believe that he would wait for me forever? Like when in the fucking world did a promise, that 15 year old gave to each other, maintain? We were just children, that's about it. Nothing to freak out about._

“Beautiful here.”   
  
I didn’t need to turn around to see who it was, who talked to me. Even when his voice was a little bit deeper now, I would recognize this voice everywhere.  
  
Nevertheless, the fact that he suddenly stood next to me shocked me. Of all the people here, I expected him the least. Shouldn't he be better with his new girlfriend? _  
__  
_Of course Gilbert could not read my thoughts and took it as an invitation to sit besides me. I could not bear it to look him in the face, so I let my gaze wander to Wall Maria.  
  
 _‘Garrison. Maybe I should join them now.’_  
  
“Congratulations for the first place, small flower. I knew you can make it. You must have seen John’s face when they called out your name first, it was glorious!” 

His behaviour and his chuckling irritated me. Why did he act like nothing happened? Does he think that I didn’t see that kiss? Does he think that the lack of letters didn’t bother me? I thought the worst. I thought he was dead.  
  
I remained silent, what should I answer to that kind of stuff anyway? He probably realized it and took another opportunity to create some kind of communication between us.  
  
“Lilith can we talk?”  
  
That statement finally got me to look him in the eye.  
  
“I…”  
  
His eyes turned away from me and instead stared at the floor and I could watch his Adam's apple move while swallowing as he tried at a loss to find the right words for what was coming.  
  
“I..”  
  
“You could have just told me.” 

These words spurted out of me like a herd of galloping horses.  
  
“Listen- I…I am so sorry. I know you saw..it almost broke me apart seeing you like this. Believe me I never wanted to hurt you.”  
  
My throat felt like it was constricted, for some strange reason I even believed him. Could a person really change that drastically in three years? Can you really lose every love you once felt for someone so quickly? I wanted to ask him so much, but...but I just could not.  
  
I felt his warm eyes on me. The same eyes that once promised to love me forever, always protect me, no matter where I go. Does this promise still count for anything?

“There was an arranged wedding. It seems like I'm a married man now.”  
  
 _‘What?’_  
  
Warm burning tears gathered in my eyes and when they touched my face, my heart disappeared with it. It felt like acid eating away at me inside and out. As I breathed. As I swallowed. As I just existed. 

“You should have told me.” I said once again and the necklace I was wearing suddenly put a great deal of weight on me.

“I wanted to. But I did not know how. Please Lilith, look at me I…”  
  
Gilbert fell silent when I pressed the ring into his palm and closed his hand in a fist.

“Lilith please, hear me out. I-”  
  
The rest of his words devoured the sound of an explosion coming straight from Wall Maria. Whatever caused the explosion, the tremor that followed was felt through the walls in our direction as the entire floor began to shake. Overwhelming gusts of wind swept through our hair, and it almost felt like we were about to be cut off. The unusual thing about the whole natural phenomenon was that after a few seconds the quakes subsided immediately and it seemed as if the world would stand still for a brief moment.  
  
“What was that?” I could Gilbert just say before both our jaws felt down.  
  
A giant titan clung to the wall and pulled itself up with all its might. It was the first time I saw a Titan, I read and heard a lot about them, but it never occurred to me that one day I would actually see one with my own eyes. I thought that between the walls, humanity was safe.  
  
Nonetheless, here he was. A titan over 50 meters high looking over the wall.

What happened next happened at an incredible rate that I couldn't really process what my eyes were seeing. The titan has managed to cut a crack in the wall with his tremendous power so that the other titans could get through the wall.  
  
I heard people screaming, yelling and crying as boulders crashed into their houses and the streets of Shiganshina.  
  
I saw how people got torn apart, eaten alive and crushed like flies. Like their lives didn’t matter at all to them.  
  
 _“Peace has lasted for 100 years now. There has been no attack by the titans in the past 100 years. Nonetheless, it is important that we always have capable soldiers ready for action. From this day on you will be one of these soldiers. If the Titans ever attack again, then it is your Duty to assist the manufacturers, sacrificing your lives to oppose the Titan threat! YOU WILL SACRIFICE YOUR ALL!!!”_ _  
__  
_The trainer's words suddenly echoed in me and I could notice how my whole body started to move on its own.  
 _  
__My Duty…_ _  
_  
“Lilith wait!!” Gilbert shouted when the siren sounded for the second time today and I ran like a madman to the training camp.  
  
 _‘What is happening right now? Why is this happening?’_ _  
__  
_My ears were still booming from the explosion earlier.  
  
‘ _I just saw how over 100 of people lost their lives within a second.’_ _  
_  
“Cadets rise! Get your gear and ride to the wall as fast as you can! We have to defend Wall Maria no matter what! You will soon be divided into groups, get ready to go! ”  
 _  
__‘Why?’_ _  
__  
_Although our trainer gave strict templates, most of the young soldiers stood motionless without batting an eyelid, like the military police. The only ones who left immediately were the Survey Corps and the Garrison.  
  
“HURRY YOU COARDS!!!”  
  
 _‘Why?’_ _  
_  
The air I breathed felt hot and my lungs burned like crazy. It felt so surreal even though I knew I wasn't dreaming right now. This was real. Yet I felt like I was not into my own body, like I was not the one who is under control of my body.  
  
I don't know how and why, but suddenly I found myself in the armory and saw Nina trying to put on her equipment with trembling hands.  
  
“Lilith.” she said with a despairing cry. “My parents. They are down there.”  
  
What should I tell her? Should I tell her that her parents are for sure safe. But wouldn’t it be a lie? I saw how people died there. How can I be so sure that her parents weren’t one of them passing by the attack? And even if they have survived, the district is still flooded by titans.  
  
The others were in a similar state to Nina. Many were so overwhelmed and frightened that they started throwing up and in the corners of the room, I could already see dead bodies with grants in their hands.

Is this the life that is meant for us? What kind of hell do we live in? I've never noticed it before, never thought about it, as I was embarrassingly sure that if we just stayed inside the walls, the Titans could never harm us. But the truth is we've been in a cruel prison all along, haven't we? And closed our eyes to what we didn't want to be true. The only reason why we are still alive is because the titans decided not much earlier to break the walls apart. They have shown us today that they are able to do so.  
  
“I am so pathetic. How should I ever be able join the Survey Corps like this? It is my first time seeing a titan and all I can do is cry like a baby!”  
  
 _‘Why? How can she be still so brave in such a situation? Still wanting to risk her life?’_  
  
I watched how Nina forced herself to stand up and finished preparing her weapons. With her elbow she wiped the last tears from her face and took a deep breath and I could watch her chest rise and fall.  
  
“We have trained for 3 years for this day. 3 years of shared blood, injuries and pain. We made it among the best 10. One is probably never ready to face a titan, but we learned the skills to defend ourselves! I cannot be so selfish and hide in my comfortable corner while others are giving their lives to protect the people! Maybe my parents were saved in just that one second that I wasted crying around!”  
  
From where does she take this strength?  
  
“How do you make that? How can you stay so calm in a situation like this?” I heard myself say.  
  
I swallowed as she pierced me with her fawn eyes. Did I just say something wrong?  
  
"I'm not. Look. I'm just as scared as a harried rabbit." She chuckled pathetically and held her shaking hands in front of my eyes. “C’mon we have to go. They probably already started evacuating the district!” 

Her words hit me like a thousand slaps in the face and made me release myself from my trance state and before I knew it, I rode towards Shiganshina at a tremendous speed.  
  
We borrowed the horses, which were originally only intended for training, and rode as fast as we could. Although Shiganshina was still a few kilometers away, the screams that came from within the district could not be ignored. The longer we rode the worse it got.

The top ten of the training session were given the order to help the Garrison secure the North Gate, while the others had to evacuate the citizens around and in Wall Maria. If one Wall could fall, there was no proof that it could happen a second time.  
  
That was the plan in theory, but how it would go in practice, nobody dared waste a thought and at this point everyone perhaps realized that they had given up on Shiganshina.  
  
“Why today? Why today? Tomorrow I would just have been in the capital, entering the military police. Why today? I don’t want to die. I just wanted to get to be a soldier because I wanted to be far away from the titans and now…” Iris talked things like that to herself the whole time, but everyone as well as Nina and I ignored her complaining.  
  
...

When we arrived the situation was already very tense. Soldiers were arguing about whether to close the gate to the village or to let more refugees in when suddenly a tremor similar to the previous one shook the ground.

The horses became restless and neighed in fear and my stallion even threw me off my saddle and stepped on my right foot with his hooves before he ran away as the tremor got worse.  
  
I screamed as the pain grew inside of me.  
  
“Lilith are you alright?”  
  
Nina immediately jumped off from her horse and ran to me, while the other soldiers from the Garrison didn’t even pay attention that we came to help.  
  
“What to do?” Tristan asked one of them.  
  
“Help close the gate!”  
  
“But...don’t you think that there will be more refugees?!” Josephine added, her hands pulled to fists as she tried her best to put up a straight face.  
  
“CLOSE THE GATE!!!”  
  
“Stop! Don’t!” a blonde soldier begged in Garrison uniform. “Please wait.”  
  
Now the quake came in several shorter intervals and it felt as if something unlikely large but fast was coming towards us, as the sounds of cannonballs mixed into the chaos.  
  
“HUUUURRY!! THE TITANS ARE COMING!!!!!” 

They did not receive a second notification and the eight soldiers did as they were told.  
  
I bit my lip in anger and felt the blood slowly fill my mouth as I tried to stand up and help them, but my leg just gave in.  
  
“Lilith, wait. Don’t push yourself too hard. I'll drop you off here, okay?” Nina pointed to a house wall that stood a bit further from the wall.  
  
“As soon as we close the gate, I’ll come back and tend your wounds. Promise to me that you’ll do nothing reckless okey? You’re badly injured.” 

“Wait”, I whispered with the last of my strength. “Don’t go away.” I stretched my arms to her to grab her, but Nina was already too far away to reach and just left me with her hopeful smile behind.  
  
 _Damnit._ _  
__  
__Damnit._ _  
__  
__Damnit._

“RUN AAWAAAAAAAAY!!! HE IS COMING !!! RUN AWAY THE TITANS ARE COMING!!!!!”  
  
At this statement I caught my breath.  
 _  
__Nina._ _  
_  
A brief relief came over me when I saw how the gate slowly began to close and everyone who was inside the wall quickly slipped away.

But in the end the Titan just ran through the wall and simply tore the bricks of the walls with him. The Gate being opened by force.

Time is something strange. The three years of our training felt like an eternity. An eternity that never wanted to end. And when we finished and held our closing ceremony, it was suddenly as if we had only come here yesterday and are now forced, without any experience, into the field and ordered to protect our homeland.  
  
Time went by so fast.

And now. And now everything was moving again in slow motion.

But time still passed.

Between the boulders, my wounded comrades flew like little flies and in the midst of all this, a different Titan than before, stared at us with his shining eyes. His body wrapped in mighty armor.

Those soldiers who managed to get away from the wall in time just stood there, like me, stunned and couldn't deal with what was happening.

And I ... and I was supposed to be one of those up in the air, but for some reason I was saved. I was saved by her.

“NIIIINAAA!!!” I screamed while my lungs burned.  
  
But I was powerless, I could only watch how she hit the ground and how a mighty stone crushed her body.

_No._

_No._

_Not you._

_This is a dream._

_Let this be a nightmare._

_Please._

I tried to get up several times, but kept falling to the floor. At some point I gave up and crawled over to her on all four.

_No._

_No._

_Please._

> “I knew I will find you here!”  
>   
> As always, Nina was in a good mood and fell next to me on the green grass.  
>   
> “Today was a good day”, she hummed with satisfaction.
> 
> “Not only have I been able to meet my parents again, but have also seen the Survey Corps at the start of a new expedition.”
> 
> She hummed to herself for a while and let her legs dangle up and down while using her hands as a cushion.  
>   
> I did not answer her, I will probably never understand her preference for the troupe and that is probably okay how it is.
> 
> “Tell Lilith, why do you dislike the Survey Corps so much?”  
>   
> I let out a frustrated sigh out. Not this again, is she trying again to convince me?  
>   
> “It is not that I dislike them, I just do not understand them. Why always risk your own life for nothing? Staying in the Walls is just fine. Why should anybody go voluntary outside?”
> 
> I lay in the grass like her, on the same hill as every evening, and watched the birds in the twilight.
> 
> But Nina's face blocked my view as she held her head in front of mine.
> 
> "Does that mean you don't understand me either?"
> 
> "To be honest, no."
> 
> "Hmmmm."  
>   
> Nina sat down in the cutting seat and put her head between thumb and forefinger and pretended to think hard.
> 
> I really adored it when she put up on her shows. It made her so human.  
>   
> “But can't the same be said of the underground? Did you know that people only built the underground because they thought it would make them safer from the titans?”  
>   
> “The difference is that the subsurface makes people sick because they don't get enough sunlight and they don't have the necessary staff and money to fight diseases. In addition, they do not have the privilege of being taught free of charge like us.  
> There is simply nothing outside the walls. We are the last of mankind, why should we let ourselves die?”  
>   
> “But you don’t know that!!! What if there are more people outside the walls?”  
>   
> “Assumptions that cannot be refuted.”
> 
> “Damn it, Lilith! Do you never allow yourself to dream Wait, I'll tell you a story my grandmother used to tell me as a bedtime story every night ... Um, um. "  
>   
> The brown-haired girl cleared her throat and put her fist in front of her mouth, to cover it.  
>   
> “It is about a big wall too! So listen carefully, Lilith!!!  
>   
> The wall had been there ever since the people could remember. They never paid attention to it. They never asked themselves what was on the other side, nor, for that matter, if there were another side at all! They went about their business as if the wall didn’t exist at all!  
>   
> The people loved to talk, but never ever did anyone mention the wall! Only one girl would stare at it and wondered about the other side. The girl could never sleep at night, because she wondered what would linger at the other side! It thought about the strangest things, strangest animals and so on, but she could never tell for sure what was true.  
>   
> So she decided to see it with her own eyes, which was reality! And one day the girl finally made it!  
> What do you think she saw??” Nina asked excitedly.  
>   
> “Ehm, I don’t know?”  
>   
> “OTHER PEOPLE!!! JUST LIKE THEM!!! AND THEY ALL CELEBRATED THE GIRL BECAUSE SHE DARED TO LOOK WHAT’S AT THE OTHER SIDE!!!!!”  
>   
> “So you think that occurs also to our mankind???”  
>   
> “Perhaps??” 
> 
> Nina victoriously folded her hands. “We'll never know if we don't try to find out !!” 

_No…_

✾ ✾

A few weeks have passed since Wall Maria fell. I was fortunate to have been rescued by the last surviving soldiers and I was sent to a hospital in Trost.

My injury turned out to be a broken foot and I had to use a cast and crutch for several weeks now.

Due to the attack of the titans, the registration of a military area has been postponed and unfortunately I had to find out that other of my former comrades besides Nina were killed.  
 _  
__‘I should be one of them.’_ _  
__  
_It was a cloudy night when the regression finally happened. Before anyone could choose one, Erwin Smith demanded to be the first to give a speech.  
He stood on a tribune while the flames of torches that were set up around it, gave the darkness a little light.  
  
In total, only 30 saluting soldiers from 200 who had started out, were standing in front of the stands and waited for what the commanding officer had to say. Among them I.  
  
“I am Erwin Smith, Commander of the Survey Corps.” he began.  
“Today, you will choose a military branch. Put bluntly, I’m here to persuade you to join the Survey Corps.  
During the Titan Attack, you learned how terrifying they can be. And how limited your own power is.”  
  
 _I had to swallow a hard lump as he spoke these words. It was true. I was weak. Too weak. Maybe I could have saved Nina had I been stronger._ _  
__  
_“HOWEVER - This is not the time to give in! The titans have shown us once again what it means to be trapped in a cage! It is time for humanity to strike back! We will try our best to retake Wall Maria! But I will not lie to you, most of you will probably die within 4 years, like the other soldiers before you. The surviving rate is not high. Still any trainees who join, will participate in our excursion beyond the walls, in a month. We expect that thirty percent won’t return. But those who survive will become superior soldiers with a high survival rate.  
  
Knowing these discouraging facts, any still willing to risk their lives, remain here. Ask yourself, are you willing to offer your beating heart for humanity? That is all. Anyone who wishes to join another branch is dismissed.”  
  
…  
  
 _I stared at the ground as I saw how the first feet moved away. I wanted to go too, but somehow I stood there rooted to the spot. Why? If that didn't work out with the military police, I wanted to join the garrison? Why don't I move from the spot?_  
  
But Nina's smiling face appeared over and over again in front of my eyes ...

Maybe I can understand you after all …

Maybe it wouldn't be a shame if I were among the 30% who can't make it back ... I'll be rid of my cast in a few days anyway.  
  
Were you even aware of it all, Nina? What does it mean to offer your own beating heart?

> _“Yes you will.” he kissed the palm of my hands. “But whatever you are up to, don’t come to the stupid idea of joining the survey corps!”_
> 
> _I chuckled at his comment, not really sure why he thinks I would ever do such a thing._
> 
> _“Why should I do that, Gil?”_
> 
> _“I don’t know, you’re the crazy one here. I don’t know anybody else who would enter the Underground willingly.”_

Yeah...I am the crazy one here..  
  
I still had my gaze fixed on the floor and when I finally got the courage to lift it, I noticed that I was the only one besides 10 other people who were still standing there.  
  
“Can you die, if you’re ordered to?” the commander asked.  
  
Nobody said nothing.  
  
When he was not given an answer, the commander smiled and said his final words while he saluted in front of us; “ Then I welcome everyone here to the Survey Corps! Offer up your hearts!”  
  
 _Life doesn’t always play as we want to, huh.._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Story Nina was telling, is refrenced from a childbook I like a lot, it is called Tillie and the Wall


	3. A place to start

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hei, I am here with another chapter :>
> 
> Hope you guys are doing all well and will hopefully enjoy this chapter!

**_Gilbert_ **  
  
_It feels like it was yesterday that I looked into your eyes for the first time. We were just children, you and i. So different and yet we shared the same fate. And for so long, it was only you and I that kept us living…_  
  
“Do I really have to go with you,mom?”  
  


I was so disgusted to go to a classy party. Like the plague, I hated having to constantly introduce myself to strangers and shake hands with them.  
  
“Yes. And you will present yourself from your best side, do you hear me Gilbert?”  
  


My mother tied my ugly red tie around my neck and stroked it smoothly.  
  
“This party is of great importance for your father and me.”  
  
I sighed in defeat. My parents were Businessmen, selling and producing ODM gears and more to the different branches of the military. Father invented a new gear for the military police and he wanted to convince Edward Evergreen from the 

effectiveness of the new anti-personnel vertical maneuvering equipment. To get the production of the goods to be promoted, of course.  
  


“Fine. “I mocked stubbornly.  
  
 _Idiot. If I just knew back then that this evening will change my life forever._ _  
  
_

The party went as expected. Snozy everywhere who thought they were something better. With wine in their hands and faces like clowns, they moved around the dance floor pretending they were having all fun.  
  
 _And then I met you._ _  
__  
_“Gilbert.” I heard my mothers voice from a distance, waving at me to come near.  
  
 _She was standing right beside you and your mother._ _  
__  
__I smirked at your sight, you looked just as bored as I did. Yet a lot prettier._ _  
  
_

_You were wearing a white blouse with ruffles wrapped around it with a balloon-shaped wine-red skirt. With the matching wine-red mesh. Your black shoulder long hair was plaited sideways in a braid and with you, you carried this little bag along. You looked like a beautiful doll that night._  
  
“Gilbert, this is Lilith Evergreen. She is about your age, what if you two spent some time together while we 

Adults complete our errands?.”  
  
“Hello.” you said with an angelic soft voice and held out your hand to me.  
  
“Hello.Were you forced to come here too? ” I replied.  
  
“We live here.”  
  
“Oh.”  
  
 _I had to admit that at first I thought you were one of those snuggly boring noble girls I already met at parties like this. But I quickly found that this wasn't the case._ _  
_  
“You want me to show you something really cool?” _you asked. I didn’t have the opportunity to answer you because you already pulled me behind you through a big corridor, till we reached a tree._  
  
“Come.” you said and climbed up that tree with your dress. It didn’t seem to bother you at all, that you could get dirty.  
  
 _It was the second where I decided that I liked you and so I followed you. Up there you told me about so many things._ _  
__About the stars, about your theorie how they came about. About the moon and how night and day arises. About the walls and how the first king built them to protect us last humankinds._ _  
__  
__Your knowledge and curiosity impressed me from the very start._

 _  
__After the party, my mother eventually allowed me to participate at your homeschooling. Wouldn’t be bad if I learned more, nevertheless I should take over our business someday, she said._ _  
__  
__The evening was also a great success for our fathers and they soon became business partners and friends. That just made it easier for me to see you more often._ _  
_

 _  
__We became friends very quickly too and spent every free minute together._

_You dragged me to places I never knew before. You showed me the world as I never knew it before. Even tempted me to learn more, because I never wanted to be in your shadow during exams and other things._

_  
__You were full of joy and care, though .._ _  
__  
__Although it was never really easy for you, I knew that._

_Not once did I see bruises all over your body. You tried to convey to me many times that you were just clumsy and fell down, but I knew that was not the truth._

_  
__One day I was looking for you everywhere because you didn't show up for class. That was very unusual for you because you loved our teacher and saw her as a role model. Trick would never have been an option for you, but you were nowhere to be found. I worried like crazy about you._ _  
__  
__And when I finally found you, I found you in front of a bridge in tears and again with bruises all over you. I had never seen you cry before and I felt myself torn to see you that way._ _  
  
_

_It took a long time, but at some point you told me what happened. You asked your father about life outside the walls and asked why his men don't go exploring like the Survey Corps. You asked him if he wouldn't believe in further life outside the walls._ _  
  
_

_It hurt inside to see you like that. I kept wondering when you would ask yourself these questions because in the end it would suit you. Only you would be so foolish to ask these forbidden questions. And of course your father hadn't liked it, but he shouldn't have reacted that way anyway._  
 _  
__We talked very long and intensely about this topic that day and I was only satisfied when you swore to me that you would never again lose a word or a thought about it. Maybe that was a little hard, but it was for your own good .. at least that's what I thought at the time .._ _  
__  
_I sat on our veranda and let the ring I gave you for your 16 birthday slide through my fingers. It broke my heart when you just gave it back to me like that. Although I deeply understood your motivations. I hurt you. I hurted you really bad.  
I just wish I had the chance to explain to you. _  
_  
“Gilbert, here is the list of the new recruits. Many died tho and only around 30 survived.”  
  
30? Please be alive. Please be alive.  
  


My father came closer. He looked at me in a pity way. Why did he look that way?  
  
“I am sorry, son.”  
  
Sorry for what? She survived. I know that.  
  


I took the list and bitterly searched for your name.

Lilith Evergreen. Lilith Evergreen. Lilith Evergreen. Lilith Evergreen.  
  
Lilith Evergreen - Survey Corps.  
  


I was breathless and didn’t believe my own eyes at first. I could see my hands starting to tremble and numbness building inside me.  
  
Why?  
  
You **_promised_ ** me …  
  


* * *

_**Lilith** _

> _“Stupid child. By helping them you just took the opportunity from them to grow stronger, it probably made you stronger, left you in the belief that you are a good person. But in the end,they will just suffer more. What will those children do now, since you are not able to go down anymore? I tell you what. They will ask themselves why you didn’t show up anymore and then they will start to blame themselves, although it was your fault from the very start. I am telling you once more Lilith. Know your place and don’t push your nose into things that don't have to burden you!”_
> 
> _My mouth just stood wide open, did he really mean those things he just said? But the man was not finished._
> 
> _“I am tired of your face. So fucking tired. I tried and I tried, giving you opportunities for a good future, but you threw them all away like trash. You little piece of shit don’t know how to be thankful. You should be thankful for all of this!”._
> 
> _He stood up and reached out his hands._
> 
> _“But instead all you can do is complain all day long. It is enough. I noted your name for the next training corps. There you’ll hopefully learn how to be respectful, how to be thankful. With the understanding that of course you survive. Show me and proof to me that you honor our family and become your squad best and then come back to us and join the Military Police!”_
> 
> _“But..I never wanted to be a soldier, you know..”_
> 
> _“There is no space for your needs Lilith!” he rumbled._
> 
> _“Do as I say! Go to your room and pack your stuff together, you will leave tomorrow!”_
> 
> _What?! Tomorrow..but...but..but...no.. I don’t want to._

_Ultimately, I didn't get what you asked of me, did I, father? It's almost as if I can see your disappointed and angry face in front of me. Once again I am a shame to the Evergreen family. Once again, it's me who defied your orders. Once again I am the black sheep. But don't worry, you sent me to the training with the knowledge that I could leave my life there and that's exactly what I'll do here. I won't be a burden much longer. And in the end I achieved what you wanted, didn't I? Even if it will be done with detours. I will die._

I felt the stream of air coming out of my nose as I exhaled deeply. Looking out of the window, I could see the area passing by as the carriage continued on its way. Trost is probably the desolate area that I know and I am glad to get away from here. No matter where you looked, you only saw bare houses and the fear of another attack was written right into history on people's faces. But it is not just fear that haunts people's souls, but also worry about how they should get on with their supplies. Winter is near and due to the massive number of refugees, they were unable to find enough food to get through the winter. The king would soon have to come up with something, otherwise the first would soon die of famine.  
  
Another breath of air through my nose and I was consciously aware of how my chest rose and fell. The thought that the people in the capital might have enough reserves to cover the lack of food for the winter pissed me off. Although it wasn't just a thought, I was sure it is a fact. But the people are far too greedy to help out the poor refugees. The king never had a heart for the people in the Underground, why should he suddenly develop something like kindness and empathy?

My fingers started to play with my nails and I felt a rough surface develop on them, when I let my skin be caressed over it. My eyes were always directed outside, my thoughts belonged only to me, but I could hear exactly how the other new Cadets were talking to Hange Zoe. 

Hange was the one who picked us up and was supposed to take us to the headquarters of the Survey Corps in an organized carriage. Hange was very talkative and I could always hear out a special passion for titans. I asked myself several times how that was possible, these monsters have made us so sorry and yet Hange talks about them as if they were something special.

But admittedly the questions that Hange asked were not unfounded. For example where are they from? What makes them kill people? Why don't they touch animals? Questions the squad leader is apparently looking for answers to.  
  
And I wished the squad leader nothing but the best in finding those answers. 

The wagon slowly approached the gate that marked the end of Trost and let us peek within Wall Rose. 

I've been away from home for so long that being closer to my old home caused a strange tingling sensation in my stomach. Even if Rose isn't Sheena, it would only be a couple of days to get home.  
  
My nails dipped so hard into the skin of my fingers without realizing that I seemed to be hurting myself.  
  
“Oi. Lilith, are you alright?” the voice of Hange stepped through to me. 

I nodded to her question, I had no strength to speak and Hange seemed to notice this immediately, because the squad leader drank a small first aid bag from her luggage without even asking and began to treat my small wound.

It was incomprehensible to me that she had to treat such a small wound at all. The Skin would stop bleeding within a few minutes, so why the effort?  
  
“I promised Levi not to get the wagon dirty.” she chuckled nervously like she could read my thoughts.  
  
 _Levi? Oh yes, Nina's knight on his black mare._

The thought of Nina only made my stomach more uncomfortable, than it already was.  
  
“Is it one of Captain Levi’s wagons?” one cadet asked.  
  
“No no, but he cleaned it just today. So he would get really mad if I just let it get dirty again.” Hange chuckled.  
  
“What do you mean by that?” the cadet chopped up.  
  
“Oh you guys will get to know the Captain soon enough.”  
  
“Thank you.” I said when Hange finished wrapping up the bandage. 

All eyes in the wagon suddenly stared at me as I uttered my first words since we got in. 

Their looks were unbearable and I was hoping every second that they would stop. But Nope.  
  
“Lilith, there is something I wanted to ask you for a while now, you know.” 

_God damnit. As if the fact that I've spoken gives you permission to ask me questions._

The voice came from a young man in my training session whose name I couldn't remember. Shame on me.  
  
“Yeah?” I answered as well as possible without appearing rude. Speaking itself was so difficult for me since Nina …  
  
“Ehm.” The man began scratching his scalp. Even if I didn't know his name, I knew him by sight. He was big. Probably around two meters. His face adorned with golden brown curly hair and eyes that shine like bright yellow autumn leaves. What was new was the scar on his right upper lip. Presumably he got it during the titans attack.  
  
“Oj Cullen, shut it.” A girl with cherry brown hair hit him on his shoulder with her elbow.  
  
“I’m sorry Lilith.” she added.  
  
 _Why was she apologizing?_ _  
__  
_“But Nifa...you wonder about it too, don’t you?” Another cadet claimed.

But Nifa, apparently her name, remained unimpressed and turned her attention back to Hange.  
  
“Tell me Hange, since you already mentioned it, there is something that has been on my tongue for ages…-”  
  
“Go on.” Hange smiled. 

And the conversation was completely devoted to the titans again. Judging by the eyes and sighs of the others, they couldn't hear any more of that, but I could notice how the ends of my lips slowly rose upwards.

_Thanks Nifa._

*~*  
  
The Survey Corps HQ was in the middle of a forest, surrounded and protected by the trees. Hange explained to us that the trees were perfect to train the 3d maneuver. Otherwise the HQ looked more like a castle than a building. It was huge and impressive.  
  
 _So here I will be staying for a while._ _  
_  
"Mobilt will come in a moment and show you the area a bit, all right?" said Hange as we got out of the wagon.

And like the squad leader said, Mobilt didn’t let us wait much. When I was ready to join the group, Hange grabbed my shoulder and held me.

"I'm sorry Lilith, but Erwin wants your presence. I'll get you to him by hand, alright?

 _Oh_ _  
__  
_I nodded and was ready to follow her without resistance.  
  
“So I see, you are not one who talks much, what?”  
  
I knew Hange probably didn't mean bad, but I felt guilty nonetheless. Did I accidentally hurt someone by being so quiet the whole time?  
  
“I am sorry.”  
  
“OH NOO!!! YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE SORRY!! IT IS ALRIGHT!!” Hange frantically waved her hands in front of my eyes. “It is alright.” they said once again.  
  
The way to the commandant's office led past the horse stables, where I could see a soldier trying in vain to ride a red-brown horse. The whole attempt ended with the horse catapulting the rider from the saddle as it jumped up. Hange sighed and shook their head at the sight of the horse running around wildly and no longer let itself get caught.  
  
As the horse made its laps I could see that it had white markings on its muzzle, as well as its upper hooves and had a mane as white as snow.

A beautiful prideful animal.  
  
“What’s wrong?” I heard myself asking Hange.  
  
“His former rider died on the last expedition and since then he has been unbendable. I don't know what to do with him, normally we never have such problems with our horses.”  
 _  
__Oh..he is mourning.._ _  
__  
_…  
  
“We are here!” Hange clapped at my shoulders when we arrived in front of a door.  
  
 _Erwin Smith's office. I haven't seen the commander since his speech. What does he want from me?_ _  
__  
_“I have to go. Will you find your way out afterwards?”  
  
 _What a question. But I didn't even know where my bedchamber was, neither the cafeteria nor .._ _  
__  
_I nodded.

"Thank you Hange."

A smile spread all over Hang's face.

"You know, you have a really nice voice, you should speak more." The squad leader winked at me and disappeared around the next turn.  
  
 _But my lungs burn every time I utter a single sound._ _  
__  
_I took two deep breaths before I dared knock on the big door.

"In." I heard the voice of the commander say.  
  
I pushed the doorknob and leaned my weight against the door to open it, which led me to a large room with wooden floors. In the middle of the room was a beautifully patterned red carpet and to the side were huge bookshelves filled with all kinds of books.

I wondered what literature was slumbering on these shelves.

My gaze deviated from the books and led me at the end of the room.

Erwin was sitting on his desk and there was plenty of paperwork in front of him. Behind the table was a large window shrouded in green curtains, on whose window sill leaned an also already familiar face: Levi.  
  
I saluted with a straight back and tried to get up as confidently as possible.  
  
“Sir.”  
  
Erwin looked at me with a smile and while his ice blue eyes shone like Elizabeth's.

 _Oh my dear sister, I hope you are fine._ _  
__  
_“Lilith Evergreen?”  
  
“Yes, Sir.”  
  
The former smile disappeared in a gloomy look while it seemed that to Levi I was not worth a single glanze as he looked furthermore out of the window. 

“Are you the disbanded Evergreen child, dear?”  
  
I swallowed a hard lump. The man gets down to business really quickly without putting a sheet to his mouth.

I felt the anger simmering inside me. Could I not go anywhere without being associated with my father? I came here especially to put an end to this .. I ...  
  
“With all my respect sir. It doesn't matter who I am.”  
  
The smile appeared again and my statement apparently even made Levi curious.  
  
“Oh? What makes you think that?” Erwin asked.  
  
“Because they don't mind either. They don't care who they're breaking the neck or who they're biting the head off. Who they just pulled away from someone important. All that matters to them is the fact that it is people who are being killed.”  
  
My words flooded out as if these facts were nothing but the cool reality. Something that couldn't be changed. However, with every word I said my heart pounded a hundred times faster than usual. I noticed how my whole body suddenly stiffened and I started to grind my teeth. When did I develop this anger towards the titans? When did I start wishing to see them all suffer. To see how they made us suffer.

My own thoughts confused me. What do I want to do? What is my goal? Wasn't it the fact that I would come to a quick end here, that was what kept me going? Why do I suddenly want to turn everything upside down?  
  
 _I am so damn confused._ _  
__  
_I could see Levi and Erwin communicating with each other without saying a single sentence. The two just stared at each other until Levi nodded and Erwin grinned contentedly.  
  
“Oj, Brat.” I felt a shiver run down my back when I first heard him speak. His voice was deep and almost melancholy. 

I only waved briefly when he suddenly stood in front of me with enormous speed and he stared down at me with his icy gray eyes.  
  
His choice of words clear and precise, that everything he said brought a certain depth to it,even if they were offensive.  
  
“Can you even walk with your shitty leg?”

I remembered that Nina described him as very small and so I remembered him at the graduation ceremony. But in reality he was taller than me and with his enormous expressive aura he looked even taller. It was almost intimidating.

Of course, I had to be with my 157cm the smallest everywhere. 

_A small flower._

The Captain was still staring at me, waiting for an answer.  
  
“Hange said that we can take the cast off tomorrow, sir.”

His stare became a scrutinizing one, as if trying to read my intentions.

“If the four-eyes say so.”  
  
The captain walked calmly to the door and opened the doorknob.  
  
“Come, we don’t have all day, slug.”  
  
 _What did he just call me?_ _  
__  
_I threw a questioning look at Erwin, who watched the whole theater silently without changing any facial expressions.

“You’ll join the Levi squad.” the commander just said, leaving me with this man behind.  
  
I wasn't fully aware of what it was like to be part of the Levi squad. I just hobbled after the captain, who didn't seem to mind that I was a lot slower with crutches. The chasing ends up with us in front of a cabin, where my luggage was already laying in front of the door. The whole way until there was carried by silence. Not that I minded.

"You can bring your stuff here. That's yours from today on. Tomorrow in the early morning I await you in the cafeteria. Bring cleaning supplies with you and don't you dare be late.”  
  
And with that, he just left. He just left. I didn't even know how to find my way around this big castle. How was I supposed to find the cafeteria just in time? And from where should I get cleaning stuff? Why should I get cleaning stuff?

My stomach started growling and I remembered that I hadn't eaten all day today.  
 _  
__Nina your knight is a prick._ _  
__  
_I decided to first inspect my room and then examine the castle on my own. I didn't want to be late on my first day tomorrow or give my new captain a bad picture of me.  
  
...  
  
The room was small, but more than I hoped I would have liked. It was a single room with a double bed inside and empty bookshelves. A small corridor led to the bathroom, which had a bathtub.

I swallowed at the sight. In the cadet corps we always had to share everything and now that should be only available to me?

There was a large closet with a mirror next to my bed and when I opened it there were already several Survey Corps uniforms.

I wondered how they knew my measurements, did the Cadet Corps pass them on to them?

A possibility. _  
__  
_I pulled my luggage a little closer and began to clear it out.

I didn't have much with me. Only clothes that Gabriella once sewn for me, some books and all the letters that I have received over the years.

I carefully pulled out Elizabeth's portraits and looked at them for a while.   
  
If the titans were to break through the walls again, Elizabeth would not even be safe in Mitras.  
What can we do ? What can _I_ do?

 _I have to get myself a photo album,_ I thought, and put them back in the envelope.

_And I have to tell Gabriella that I'm fine. I'm sure she's already worried about me._

If only I told her I met Gilbert. I wonder how she has to say about his big change in life, or does she already know?

The sound of my stomach growling echoed through the rooms and that was a sign to me that I should finally go to the cafeteria. I just hoped there was something left for me. It has already got dark and I still have to look around.

I didn't know where to go and for this reason just followed my gut instinct and the voices that I could hear from far away.

Although I was moving forward slowly, at some point I found the cafeteria and luckily it was still well attended.  
  
I first analyzed the room and could see the captain next to Hange Zoe and other scout members in the crowd.

Maybe I should just go over to him and ask him where to get the cleaning supplies from?

... Or something to eat.

He must have noticed that I was watching him, because he lowered his cup, which he was holding in a very strange way, and fixed his gaze on me.  
  
I just decided to take a few steps towards him when a familiar voice appeared behind me.

“Lilith, are you only coming here now?”  
  
It was this guy from before...Cullen?  
  
“I guess so.”  
  
“Wait, let me help.”  
  
He took my crutches from my hand and led me to the table where the girl with the cherry brown hair was also sitting.  
  
She gave me a hearty smile when she saw me.  
  
 _I should probably say something now.._ _  
__  
_“Eh..do you mind me sitting next do you?” I pointed on the empty seat next to her.  
  
“Of course not stupid. Come.” She tapped the bench several times to symbolize that I should sit down.  
  
 _Nifa..the name was Nifa..wasn’t it..?_

“Why did it take you so long? We already introduced ourselves to the other squad members early on. You were nowhere to find.” 

"I didn't know the way to the cafeteria."

"Didn't anyone show you around?" Nifa asked.

Cullen suddenly appeared with a full plate and put it in front of me. "First things first: eat something. We can discuss that later."  
  
“Thank you.”  
  
“Oh, nothing to thank for”, he grinned. “So you don't even know which squad you were assigned to?”  
  
“I do know - the Levi Squad. And you guys?”  
  
“Hange.”, both said in unison.

Somehow I was a little jealous, Hange seemed like a nice person.

"How did you get into the Levi-Squad, Lilith?" Nifa asked. "I just thought which ones who were personally selected by Levi could join his team?"

 _What?_ _  
__  
_I'm starting to really worry that I knew so little about the Survey Corps. Apparently everyone here is much better informed than I am. I don't know how the hell I managed to get into his squad. _  
_  
"Why are you so surprised, Nifa?", interjected Cullen. "After all, Lilith is the best of our year and you have noticed how many soldiers are left. Many died in the last expedition and then the attack hit them completely by surprise. Logical that even the newcomer of Captain is looking for new members.”  
  
Nina gave Cullen a long, thoughtful look. The two are probably very familiar with each other.  
  
“Ah, guess you are right.” Nifa finally said.  
  
I didn't know what to add to the conversation, so I ate the potato soup and bread in silence that Cullen brought me earlier. But I had to admit, I was getting really curious about what makes this Levi Guy so special and famous among the scouts.

“Shall I show you around later, Lilith?” I heard Cullen ask. 

Such a nice offer and I could really use the help, so I nodded and Cullen was obviously pleased by my answer.  
  
“Would you come with us, Nifa?” I asked.  
  
 _I'm actually not here to make new friends. But this girl helped me earlier. I wanted to return her kindness._ _  
__To both of them._  
  
“Ah no. Thanks. I'm too tired. See you later ~"

✾✾

The night was like any other. I did not dare to fall asleep, too afraid of what might be waiting for me in my dreams.

Every night they plagued me with nightmares and again and again when I lost control of my tiredness and fell asleep I saw again and again how Nina is crushed by this stone. Sometimes I was able to save her, but then she was eaten by titans. Other times I was on the verge of stopping her from leaving me. But in the end every dream ended the same and I woke up drenched in sweat with tears in my eyes.  
 _  
_When I widened my eyes I was briefly confused. The new environment was not familiar to me and it took me a few minutes to realize where I was.  
  
Tired, I got up to slide the curtains that darkened my room to realize that it must have been early in the morning. Fog surrounded the ground and the sun gave only a little light.  
 _  
__It is way too early, but hell will I return to bed._ _  
__  
_I looked at the cleaning kit that I was able to get hold of with Cullen last night.

He was actually so nice and showed me around yesterday.  
  
...

I didn't know why, but I got ready as quickly as I could and ran to the cafeteria with the kit in my hands.

Anything was better than staying here alone with my thoughts and regrets.

I wasn't actually expecting anyone that early, but when I noticed that the light was already on in the cafeteria, I was actually surprised.

“You are early, brat.” 

I was shocked at Levi's appearance, who sat on one of the benches and drank tea. I immediately saluted him, dropping the cleaning kit I was holding in my hands.  
  
“Good morning, Captain. I.-”  
  
“Cut that shit. Why aren’t you sleeping?” he interrupted me.

He looked extremely exhausted. Black circles under the eyes marked his tired and bored look as he drank from his cup.

I was too tired to keep my mask on. Too confused with my dream to play the dear girl. Too frustrated to pretend an ideal world.  
  
“I couldn’t sleep longer Sir. I thought it was better to start cleaning earlier than staying alone in my room.”

The captain looked at me again with his probing gaze.  
  
“Sheeesh.” he sighted. “It would not hurt if we start, I guess. These shitheads will anyway come late again and I want to finish cleaning before the first dirty pigs enter the room.”  
 _  
__He is probably talking about the rest of his squad and he actually wanted to clean the cafeteria?? But why? Is this some part of his training?_ _  
__  
_“Start with the tables brat. Don’t dare to fall and break another damn leg of yours. I will return immediately.”

As promised, he came back after a few minutes and I had to pull myself together not to laugh.

The once intimidating captain tied a white cloth around his hair and one around his mouth-nose area, in preparation for cleaning.  
  
 _Is he some kind of cleanfreak?_ _  
__  
_I still didn't feel very well, but I had to admit that the captain's demeanor cheered me up a little. I liked how slowly his character traits came out.  
  
“What’s so funny, shithead?”  
  
~  
  
  



	4. Captain Levi

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hei Guys :) 
> 
> The next few chapters will be a little shorter than usual, but only because it wouldn't really make sense to put them together in one as they aren't really coherent.
> 
> So I hope you don't mind :)
> 
> *Chapter got a bit edited because I made a mistake in the timeline!*  
> The surviving refugees were tasked with retaking Wall Maria in 846 and the story currently takes place in the year 845.So I had to take that part out of the story for now, but the refugees will play an important role later (When the story is heading towards 846)!

“What’s so funny, shithead?”  
  
His voice sounded furious, as if he was about to jump on me and punch everything out of me. So much about the thought that he could be actually likable.  
  
I tried to ignore him and gave my attention fully back to the cleaning.  
  
“Oi. What the heck are you doing?”  
  
 _What was it this time?_ I thought.  
  
“Cleaning the table. Just like you said, Captain.”  
  
“Pah.” he scoffed. “You will only scratch the table if you put as much pressure on the sponge as before. Take the other side, you idiot. Have you ever cleaned in your life before?”  
  
  
I looked down at the sponge in my hand and realized what he meant. I've been cleaning with the rough side of the sponge the whole time, but does it matter? The tables are already scratched anyway, no idea how old they actually are.  
  
But to go against his instructions would be pure suicide. He didn't seem to really like me anyway, and at least I have to get along with this guy for a while. So I sighed, did as he wished and turned the sponge.  
  
“You are supposed to make circular movements with the sponge. Just pulling it up and down will leave soap residue and white streaks.”  
  
 _Is he fucking serious?!_  
  
I turned and saw that he was right behind me. Was he watching me all the time?  
  
I didn't look away from his gaze, did what he wanted, and turned the damn sponge in a circular motion.  
  
 _Fight me, captain._ _  
__  
_The captain wasn't intimidated by me either. On the contrary, his deep looks made me nervous again and at some point I gave up and took my eyes off him.  
  
“Now you have to wash out the sponge and do this all over again. When you're finished don’t forget to wipe it up with a dry towel. But then with smaller circular movements. Oi and Brat?”  
  
  


At this point I had long since accepted that he was always insulting me.  
  
“Yes?”  
  
He came a little too close to me in my opinion, because I could feel his breathing on my face and it seemed as if our noses were almost touching. Didn't he have a feeling for closeness-distance?  
  
But whatever he was thinking at that moment, he didn't seem to mind.  
  
“Don't forget the back of the table,” he said alerting.  
  
I let out a relieved sigh when he finally turned away from me. The whole time I had to hold my breath when he was right in front of me. Like I was statically landed.  
  
I could watch as Levi grabbed a broom and began to mop the floor.  
  
The familiar silence surrounded us when we cleaned. I tried my best to follow his instructions, albeit I found it quite annoying.  
  
“What did you want from me yesterday?”  
  
His voice softened a bit.  
  
“Nothing special. I was just a little overwhelmed with it all, I mean.. I could hardly find my way around in the area.”  
  
He fell silent for a while with his gaze fixed on the floor. I had a really hard time reading him.  
  
“But it's done tho, one of my comrades showed me around.”  
  
“Alright then.”  
  
…  
  
“You said Hange will remove your cast today?”  
  
 _He is actually talkative isn’t he?_ _  
__  
_I nodded.  
  
 _Well. I am not._  
  
“Then make sure you're done with this as soon as possible and get on with the four-eyes. We'll start with ODM training later.”  
  
Again I just nodded.  
  
“Will you be able to train, anyways?”  
  
 _He was concerned._  
  
“It should work out.”  
  
“We shall see, brat.”  
  
 _Nina, I don’t know what to think of your knight._ _  
__  
__*~*_ _  
__  
_“I’ve heard Levi already made you clean?” Hange chuckled while they cutted slowly my cast.  
  
The frustration came back to me just by thinking about it and my sigh made that, I think, really clear. He forced me to clean the tables three times because it was never clean enough for him.  
  
“You will get used to it, he is actually a really nice guy. Trust me.” Hange winkeld.  
  
If I just think about his deadly look earlier, I'm not so sure anymore. The captain checked every single edge for dust and let me know that he was not at all satisfied with my results.  
  
“Can I ask you something Hange?”  
  
“Sure.”  
  
It was something I have thought about a lot and I need to gather information.  
  
“So you guys are heading to an expedition once a month, correct?”  
  
“Yeah, right. If we have enough financial support and actually can afford the required resources.”  
  
“I see. So you need a donor?”  
  
“Something like that, yes. And enough recruits.” There was bitterness in their voice.  
  
“What are you doing, when you’re not outside the walls?”  
  
“Train our recruits, prepare for the next expedition. Do small works besides and yeah. Sometimes we are also allowed to go home.”  
  
“I see, thank you.”  
  
“No problem.” Hange smiled. “Try to stand on your feet.”  
  
I did as they wished.  
  
“So when is the next expedition?”  
  
“Two weeks.”   
  
Hange squeezed my ankles to see if I had any pain-sensitive areas. It hurt a little, but I didn't want to admit it in front of the squad-leader. The last thing I needed was a special treatment because of my injury. I was ready to go out there. I was ready.  
  
“What about the horses? Will we get one?”  
  
Suddenly Hange jumped up in panic and grabbed their head.

"Oh no, oh no. I totally forget about your horse !!! No wait - this is Levi's work to do! It's not my fault !!”

The squad leader let out a deep breath of relief. “Right. This is Levi’s job. Not mine.”  
  
“So I should ask him about one?”  
  
“Totally!!!”

✾✾

I made my way to the training ground. It had been a while since I had used the ODM gear. I hoped that I could still master the simple basics. I definitely wanted to do my best on the next expedition. So that at least I didn't have bad gossip behind my back, in case I didn't make it out alive.

Our mission was theoretically simple. We should explore the area and try to recapture Wall Maria.   
  
When I reached my destination, the captain and his team were already there. It was the first time for me that I met them, so I bowed to them and introduced myself.  
  
“My name is Lilith Evergreen. To a good cooperation.”  
  
The squad, which consisted of four men, also greeted me warmly.  
  
Their names were Julian Stein, Rene van Hochberg, Marcel Akame and lastly Diego Granados.  
  
“Oi Shitheads, enough talking. Begin.” Levi interrupted us, while they started talking me down.  
  
“Man, Jackpot. The Captain is today again in a really good mood.” Rene scoffed.  
  
“Only because you dared to get drunk, although you guys knew that he wanted to clean the cafeteria today.”  
  
“Hey, Julian don’t you dare to impress the Lady over here! You drank as well as we did!”  
  
 _So this was the Captains very first Squad. It is not really like I’ve imagined them to be._ _  
__  
_I dared to look over him and as expected, he had his hands folded around his torso and had again this deadly look of his.  
  
I just wanted to say something, when Levi began to beat up his very own squad. Expect of me. He only stopped when they started to have the first signs of bleeding.  
  
“You pigs are so useless!” he screamed that it chased away the birds.  
  
“Up here now!” his voice was sharply alarming. “Do you think the titans out there care that you stick in residual fat?? NO. They will probably just tear all of your body parts apart! We can discuss your lack of punctuality later! But don’t you dare to underestimate these hell creatures!!”  
  
I swallowed. His aggressiveness reminded me of someone I didn't want to think about. Not now. _  
__  
_Because of this, I got up in the air with the help of my equipment and tried to cut the dummies' throats.

> “And what are you going to do, when you are actually facing a titan?” I asked Nina and pinched her cheek gently.  
>   
> “HA!! They don’t have any chance against me!!”  
>   
> Nina got behind my back with a roll and then jumped up and imitated the blade of a sword with her hands.  
>   
> “All I have to do is THIS!”  
>   
> She pretended like I was a titan, whom she just cut off the perfect size of their neck, to fall dead on the ground.  
>   
> “And ZACK!!! THE TITAN IS DEAD!!! MUAHAHAHA!!!”

I lost every sense of space and time. All I could think of was that these dummies were the one Titan that took Nina out of my life.  
  
“Enough.” I could hear Levi's voice coming through me. He grabbed me at my waists and forced me back to ground. He also used his gear to come so close to me.  
  
Only then I realized that I must have destroyed more than half of the dummies.  
  
Suddenly I felt a terrible pain in my leg again. I had been able to cover up all the pain all along with the help of my anger. But now it hurted more than before.  
  
I was embarrassed that the Captain just saw how I had a hard time standing on my own feet.  
  
“You won't join us on the next expedition.” Levi said cold with his usual bored face.  
  
 _What?? No._ _  
__  
_“NOOO!! I AM FINE!!!”  
  
I didn’t know why I was screaming at him.  
  
“Ah, is that so brat?”  
  
He reached out with his right foot and kicked me right on my aching leg.

I knew that he hadn't kicked with full force and that he had actually only lightly hit my shin. Nonetheless, it hurt extremely and I found myself wallowing in pain on the floor.

 _Fucking stupid horse._ _  
__  
_“Oi, Captain, what are you doing!!??”  
  
The rest of his squad gathered again on the ground.  
  
“Yeah, did you see how many titans she just killed??”  
  
“Dummies. She just killed dummies. Nothing to get excited about. You guys better focus on your own training. I’ll bring her to Hange.”  
  
“Yes, Sir!!”  
  
“I am fine!” I said once again.  
  
“Shut up.” 

Levi just wouldn't let himself talk to him, but carried me in his arms to the barracks. I felt so fucking mortified and exposed. 

_I am so sick of being weak._  
  
“I can walk on my own, Captain! And besides I am very capable of participating in the next expedition.”  
  
“For fucks sake woman, shut up. You are so annoying. I am not sending you to a suicide mission. End of discussion.”  
  
...


	5. Buddy

I cried out in soreness, when Hange examined my injury.  
  
 _The captain carried me all the way up till we reached Hanges office. I wanted to sink in shame when members of the Survey Corps gave us questionable looks, but the Captain didn't seem to mind the whole thing. He just ignored them. I think anyone hasn’t even dared to ask him what happened. It seems that the Captain already had his reputation within the troop._

“Oh my my. Your foot isn't completely broken again, but your ankles are extremely swollen. What happened anyway? Did you put too much strain on your leg? I told you to avoid that. This will only distort the healing process.” Hange scratched their forehead.  
  
“I was training with the ODM-Gear.” I said calmly as possible.  
  
Hange looked at me with an open mouth and eyes wide in horror.  
  
“You did _what?_ ”  
  
I nodded.  
  
I could watch how their gaze wandered from mine to Levi’s, who was leaning against the wall with crossed arms. He had his face bent down and so his face was covered with shadows that made it impossible to read his expression.  
  
“Is this your doing, Levi?”  
  
“No.” I interrupted as fast as I could. “I told him I was alright and that I could participate the training.”  
  
“Why would you do such a thing??!!”  
  
I wanted to answer, but an angry "tch" came before me. The captain slammed the door behind him as he left the office. The whole scenario irritated me, why was he angry now? Telling me he won’t send me to a suicide mission. Isn't the Survey Corps itself a pure suicide mission? What difference does it make if I go, healthy or injured?  
  
“Lilith.”  
  
“What?”  
  
“I’ve read your report. So I am kinda trying to understand what you are planning to do. I just beg you for one thing, don’t.”  
  
It was the first time seeing Hange in such a state. Their face was facing the ground as their lips pressed to a line. The Squad Leader took off their glasses and rubbed their knuckles against their eyes.  
  
“Levi. He…” Hange started slowly.  
  
Then the squad leader shook their head and started the sentence differently.  
  
“We all have lost people dear to us.”  
  
Hange’s words immediately stabbed my heart like a thousand knife wounds. I didn’t need to hear this. Not from Hange, not from anyone. How dare they think that they could understand my feelings? My intentions? When even myself couldn’t figure them out.  
  
I pressed my fingers to a fist, ignoring the pain that bowls inside my leg and raged out of the office. Slamming the door behind me, like the captain did before me.  
  
Hange yelped in frustration.  
  
“Like one stubborn ruthless man isn’t enough. Now we have two of them.”  
  
Mobilt came out chuckling from another room. He could hear everything from the very beginning.  
  
“Yeah, this could get interesting.”  
  
“Rather taxing.” Hange rolled with their eyes. “Imagine those two in one squad, this screams confrontation at its highest level.

✾ ✾

With every movement I made my legs pounded. I just should not run away like that, this was kinda a childish behaviour of mine.  
  
“YOU LITTLE PIECE OF SHIT!!! STOP BEEING SO FUCKIG AGGRESSIV!!!”  
  
A man's voice echoed through the area. Without thinking, my path led me to the stables, where I could watch how that horse was untamable. The poor person who tried to ride this horse, ran after him in vain, but the animal itself just ran again in circles. It must have had enough of playing catch, because its rear hooves kicked out behind and cataplotated the soldier, who was standing right behind the animal, several meters backwards into the hay.  
  
“OI!! WATCH OUT!!!” another man screamed in my direction, when the horse suddenly jumped out of the enclosure, running directly towards me.  
  
I had riding lessons when I was a little kid and I could still remember a few things. Like a horse feels when you are nervous and reflects your feelings by appearing nervous and restless itself.  
  
A big lump developed again in my throat. Remembering my last meet with a horse. 

It was this horse's fault that I got hurt. Not mine, right? Or maybe just maybe.. I could have prevented the whole situation by staying calm in that moment? By realizing that my horse was panicking, like I was in that moment? Warm tears flowed down and I had once again lost my perception of the entire environment around me.  
  
Could I even have prevented Gilbert from leaving me? Was it my fault from the start? What would have happened if I had never gone to the underground? What would have happened if I had been obedient towards my father from the start. He was right, I am so unthankful.  
  
“What’s your silly plan here, brat? Have you fallen asleep standing now? With open eyes? That's creepy as fuck.”  
  
 _Captain._ _  
__  
_I looked up and could see him holding the horse by his reins. The once restless horse now seemed calm and relaxed around him.  
  
“Captain Levi!!!” the men came out of breath near us. “Thank you so so much!”  
  
“Tch. Go out of my sight.” he responded and led the horse back to its stable. 

It was wonderful to see how carefully he handled the animal. Levi stroked it several times and carefully took the bridle down and scratched out the horse's hooves. When he was done, he sprinkled it with water to get rid of all the dirt that laid on him.

Even though I stood by and watched him the whole time, he just ignored me and started brushing the horse with a brush.  
  
“He seems to like you.” I said.  
  
“Oh look, the doll can actually speak.” he answered in a harsh tone.  
  
I just ignored his allusions because deep down inside I knew that it was not that easy with me.  
  
“Why don’t you take him? I heard his rider died in an expedition.”  
  
“Because I have already a horse to take care of, brat.”  
  
 _Right his black mare.._ _  
__  
_“What will happen to him, when he doesn’t get another rider?”  
  
“Who knows. It will probably be slaughtered and served on your plate.”  
  


I hated him at the moment and I wanted to beat him up for his choice of words, but I knew that there was some truth in them.

Sad but true.  
  
“What if I take care of him?”  
  
“You?!” He turned to face me. His expression told me that he was a bit surprised by my statement, but it also said that I couldn't make it anyway.  
  
“Yeah. I.”  
  
I didn't know why I wanted this horse, maybe because I felt sorry for him?  
  
“Whatever.”  
  
“So this is a yes?” I said excited.  
  
“Yeah. But don’t you dare to think that I’ll help you with him. He is now all your responsibility. I’ll let Erwin know.”  
  
“Thank you, sir.”  
  
“Tch.”  
  
I reached out my hand to stroke the horse as it just bit me. Not tight, but it still hurted a bit.  
  
“Ouch.” I squeezed out.  
  
“What a wonderful start.” the Captain scoffed as he raised one eyebrow. 

Silence returned between us when he finally lifted some hay into the stable.  
  
“Captain.” I said quietly.  
  
He did not respond, so I assumed that it was alright if I continued talking.  
  
“I am sorry about lying to you, I mean about my leg. I should have told you.”  
  
“I don’t give a shit. You have your own pudding head to think with. You made a choice and that's about it.”  
  
 _Wait. Does this mean…_ _  
__  
_“Does this mean you’ll let me go to the expedition?”  
  
“Get first your shit together. In that state of yours, you're just a burden.”   
  
He kicked again at my ankle.  
  
 _Could he please stop?!_

I bent down and pressed at the painful area with both of my hands.  
  
“See you tomorrow brat. You’re free from the training, till you’re actually alright. But not from cleaning, you suck at it and that must change.” 

I leaned against the stable, racked with pain while my hands were still on my injury, when I felt someone nibbling at my hair.

The horse.  
  
“Oi Buddy, that's pretty disgusting.”  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have to admit, it is really hard for me to write Lilith's character right now.
> 
> However, she is also in the process of overcoming a trauma and this takes time and patience. It would be almost unnatural if everything were fine overnight without letting her reflect on her own actions.  
> And for me that also includes the conscious awareness and confrontation with self-hatred and anger, as well as insecurity.
> 
> And that to be said, Lilith is not a person who speaks clearly about her emotions and is maybe even prideful in some way, the few persons she could really trust in her past were Nina and Gilbert, whom she both lost in a way.  
> So she is at the moment more in her head, trying to process everything.


	6. Between Bonding, Hope and Despair, Part 1

  
**_Levi_ ** _  
__  
_“Argh, your handwriting is far worse than Mikes, four-eyes. What is this even supposed to mean??”  
  
“Oi. Oi. Le-v-i. You wanted my help and this is all I can offer!” Hange defended themselves.   
  
“Tch. This doesn’t help me at all.”  
  
“Ask Erwin then.”  
  
“He is busy.”  
  
“What’s even your problem, your handwriting is just fine!”  
  
Levi gave Hange a venomous look. His handwriting wasn't good, not good enough. He had big problems with his sentences running straight, and from time to time he also wrote some letters larger than others. But his biggest problem while writing was probably the spelling. Erwin told him that his reports were full of mistakes and that the Commander couldn’t often understand what he wanted to say.  
  
Unacceptable. Totally unacceptable. Levi was aware of this, especially as a captain. He doesn't want Erwin to have to read through his reports for errors every time he wants to submit something. He doesn't want to be a burden. But writing turned out to be much more difficult than handling the swords.  
  
“You are way too perfectionist! Everyone knows that you have difficulties with it, nobody would ever dare to make fun of you!” Hange said.  
  
“Out.”  
  
“What??”  
  
“I said out.”  
  
“Unbelievable. I just wanted to help.” Hange grunted and moved to the door, only to stop in front of it.  
  
“Say Levi, are you nervous?”  
  
“About what?”  
  
“The next expedition. It will be your first as captain.”  
  
Levi played with the pen in his hands, moving it between forefinger and thumb.  
  
“I don’t want to be responsible for the life of those brats. But I guess I am now.”  
  


Hange smiled understandingly.  
  
“You know that such things don't lie in your hands. Especially not outside the walls.”  
  
“Yeah. I know.”  
  
“Good night, Levi.”   
  
“Night.”  
  
Levi liked Hange and enjoyed the company of the squad leader, but he was usually also happy when Hange went on their run. Sometimes Hange was just too annoying and obnoxious.  
  
Feeling tired, the Captain loosened his white tie and put it carefully on his table. He let his fingers stroke over it for a while, thinking of his deceased mother. 

He sewed the tie from one of her blouses that he wore long after his mother's death. But Kenny suggested that he needed new things. So he made this tie, to have the feeling that his mother is always with him, wherever he goes, whatever he does. This was all what's left of her, materialistically.  
  
Levi wasn't quite sure anymore, but he thought he knew that his mother couldn't read or write either. That's why he never learned it as a child. And when Kenny took charge of him, Kenny found it much more important to teach him the basics of survival than to actually educate him. Not that he had anything to complain about. Kenny was a rotten bastard, but there's no denying that without him he wouldn't be alive today.

He didn't have his first pen in hand until Isabel started learning to read and write. She always insisted that Levi shall practice with her.  
  
To be honest, he was grateful for that. Together with Isabel he could at least start over and so he learned a fraction of what he can do today.  
  
At first she had been taught by Furlan tho, but at some point she came home and told us about a girl who taught them to read and write for free and so, without her even knowing it, the foreign girl took a great load from Furlan.  
He enjoyed spending time with Isabel, but did not find himself competent enough to teach her such things.  
  
Isabel improved quickly and wanted several times from Levi to accompany her in her classes. And although Levi was admittedly curious about the girl who volunteered to teach orphans children, he stayed away as he had other things to attend to.  
  
A sad smile escaped Levi's lips.

Even when it wasn't always easy for them, he missed the time with his little family. He missed his mother, Furlan, Isabel and even sometimes that piece of shit of Kenny.

But life just developed differently than planned and all that was left for him now is to live his life without any regrets. And he swore to himself that he would kill all the titans. Every single one of those creepy ugly bastards.

Levi went over to his window to open it. His view was directed directly towards the horse stable. Not really the best view and it mostly smelled awful, but according to Erwin it would be a while before he could get a new room as many are still being renovated.

When he opened the window he could perceive a similar silhouette in front of one stable.  
  
“That brat again, what is she doing now?” he growled when he realized that it was Lilith who was sleeping outside.  
  
Levi briefly considered whether he should just shout out to wake her. But if he did that, he would probably only wake up other members of the Survey Corps and he really wanted to avoid that. The other option he was considering, would be throwing something at her. But what? He certainly does not want to waste some paper and other objects would only break if he threw them off his floor, which was on the 4th floor.  
  
But in the end he decided to do nothing and closed his window. 

He felt responsible for her and the others and he didn't like that feeling at all.

✾ ✾   
****

**_Lilith  
_**  
A cool gust of wind caressed my face and made me open my eyes.  
  
I rubbed my eyes with my knuckles and noticed the horse's face hanging down to me. Inwardly I cheered with joy, my idea seemed to bear fruits. I thought that if I spent more time with the horse, that he might get used to me and perhaps accepts my presence. And it seems that it worked. But as soon as I reached out my hand carefully to try again to stroke him, but he automatically turned his head away from me.

Disappointed, I lowered my head, however the memory of the captain caressing him gave me the courage not to give up. I just need to prove to the stallion that he can trust me.

“Right Buddy? You just need some time.”  
  
It snorted and retired to its stall. Placing himself between his hay.  
  
The ends of my lips pulled up as I watched the horse continue to sleep.He was so beautiful, I couldn't get enough of his sight.  
  
I stretched my body and could hear a few bones crack as I lifted my arms up. My back wasn't exactly thanking me for the night out, as it hurted a bit. But surprisingly, I slept very well. Without nightmares and without waking up several times at night.  
  
“I’ll give you credits for that, Buddy.”  
  
I actually began to wonder how to deal with him on the expedition. If I am unable to ride him in two weeks, I have a serious problem. I wasn't thinking about that at the moment when I suggested to take him.  
  
My gaze returned to the horse.  
  
 _If no one before me, except the captain, had good contact with him, has he even had enough exercise in the last few weeks?_ _  
__  
_I knew Captain Levi said he wouldn't help me. But asking him if he can go horse riding with Buddy isn't too much to ask, is it? After all, it's about the horse's well-being and apparently he cares what happens to the horse. Otherwise he would not have acted like this yesterday.  
  
With renewed courage, I went back to my room for a shower and then to meet up with the squad.

 _He won't say no._ _  
__  
__~_ _  
__  
_“No.”  
His words sounded totally apathetic and cold.  
  
“But I don’t know when was the last time he had a really long ride-out.”  
  
“That’s your problem to deal with - not mine and now focus on the cleaning. ”  
  
I swallowed my anger. Getting upset about him now wouldn't help. At most one more tackle against my ankle. So I shut my mouth and started cleaning the hallway, although I could feel his scrutinizing look on my neck.  
This time he wanted me to clean all the main floors of the castle, but again we were alone.  
  
“You should think about your MPs drinking problem, Captain. That doesn't exactly make you stand there in a good light.”  
  
 _I should have kept my lips closed. That will certainly not go down well now._  
  
“They're not here because I kicked them out this morning.”  
  
 _He can actually do this ?? Wait, does this mean his squad consists only of him and me now?_

“Why?” I dared to ask and I was surprised when I got actually my answer.  
  
“I don’t need someone in my squad who is not able to look after themselves. Those brats with their soft brains are just bait for the titans. I chose them in the beginning because of their combat skills, but overtime I just realized that there must be more than that. It sickens me when someone follows me who cannot think with his own useless head and for example cannot be reliable. ”  
  
 _Should I take this now as a compliment? Or maybe as a threat?_ _  
__  
_“Understood, Captain.”  
  
“Good, brat.”  
  
 _Does this mean my plans actually fail, which I figured out yesterday evening?_  
  
“Captain, does this mean that the training is canceled?”  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
“Oh.”  
  
“Why are you disappointed? You’re free from training anyways.”  
  
“I know, but I wanted to watch the others while training.”  
  
His confused look told me that I had to explain it to him.  
  
“I wanted to watch them to analyse their movements. I thought this could help me with my own training. I mean as soon as my injury is healed completely.”  
  
 _I also used this method, as Gilbert brought ODM gear closer to me. Before I put on the belt myself, I watched him train for hours and made small sketches and notes to analyze them later._ _  
__And I've also given up on defying Hange's instructions - they know what they're talking about. And as the captain already said, I would only be a burden if I were to go on an expedition in the state I am right now. And that's the last thing I want to be. I don’t want to be a burden ever again._  
  
“Tch, you sound like Hange, brat.”  
  
“I’ll take that as a compliment, captain.” I grinned and it felt weird because I didn't know when it was the last time I really grinned. And I really took it as a compliment, I liked Hange..and I should apologize to the squad leader for my rude behaviour we last met.  
  
“Seesh, fine. You can watch my training, if it benefits you in some way.”  
  
My grin got wider. Even though I don't know the captain that well, what I actually could say about him now, is that he for sure is not that type of guy who gives voluntarily. And I appreciated his offer, I really did.  
  
And that made it even more exciting for me since he had a well-known reputation. But he wouldn't do this, he didn't see any advantage in it himself, would he?  
  
Nina would probably give anything to swap places with me right now.  
  
 _But you watch us from somewhere else, you do right? Would you be proud of me? Look where your stupid rambeling brought me there. I am trying here to be a good person as you were once._ _  
__  
_“Stop you’re stupid face and hurry. We won’t start until we finish here.”  
  
He pulled up white cloth again up to his nose, which he had given down to speak, and continued to wipe the floor.  
  
“Can I ask you one last thing, Captain?”  
  
“You know, I actually prefer you as this silent emotionless doll you have been, full of questions aren’t you?”  
  
“I said this will be my last question.”  
  
“Go on then.”  
  
“Is there a list of people who survived Shiganshina?”  
  
His gaze suddenly softened as he turned away from me.  
  
“I thought you’re from Mitras? Why are you interested in the people of Shiganshina? Do you have other relatives there?”  
  
 _It is only meant to be purely hypothetical. If Nina's parents were still alive, I would like to visit them and tell them about how brave their daughter was and how much her family meant to her, in what big tones she always spoke of them. What a good friend she was to me. Would that be selfish?_  
  
“In some way or another.”  
  
I heard him taking a deep breath and sigh.  
  
“I don’t know, ask Erwin about such things.”  
  
“Thank you, Captain.”  
  
“Whatever, brat.”

✾ ✾

Watching Captain Levi training, is like watching a wild rubber ball jumping around. He was so fast, with incredible instincts. None of his movements seemed pointless, but rather precise and I would almost say elegant. He was able to slice several dummies in one go, spinning like a top. The way he held his blades was unusual for me to see, but the Captain was in every perspective different from most of the people I got to know, so it didn’t surprise me, that he had his own style of fighting.  
  
I found it difficult to write down everything that happened before my eyes. Partly because he was so quick, but also because I couldn't really deal with the whole thing.

 _How on earth did he get so good? His movements seemed almost inhuman._  
  
But when he let himself slide down with the help of the ropes, a trace of exhaustion and exertion as well as scattered beads of sweat could be seen in his features. Individual fine black strands stuck together from the sweat as they added also a shine to his hair. His face and neck were tense. And although he was knocked out from working out, his tired gray eyes shone like silver crystals.  
 _  
_“Do you have everything you need?” he asked as he came closer to me.  
  
The training also left a trace of redness in his face. _  
__  
_I nodded. “How..-”  
  
“-Self-taught.” he said, interrupting my question.  
  
A shiver of shame came through me. How many have asked him the same question? I looked up at him and examined him as he once examined me.  
  
How many have asked him about his past? Asked of him what he had to have experienced so that he could become what he is now. Asked him from where does all his strength come from? I briefly imagined what it would be like to be in his skin and I quickly came to the conclusion that answering the same questions over and over again, would be annoying in the long run.  
  
So a quiet “Oh.” left my lips, while I squeezed my notebook in my hands.  
  
Captain Levi blinked and it seemed to me that he was expecting exactly these questions from me. But when they didn't come he reached out for a towel and wiped off his sweat.  
  
My teeth pulled to my lips and nibbled at them. I have so many questions, but they would be inappropriate and he was already annoyed with all my questions.

'Now your place, Lilith' my father used to say not once and I knew exactly where I belonged here. Captain Levi is in some way or another my boss. His past is exactly none of my business.  
  
Suddenly I saw his outstretched hands in front of me. He himself was standing sideways away from me while his gaze was directed into the distance.  
  
Is he trying to help me up since I was sitting on the dirty floor? No, the captain wouldn't do that. But then I looked at the notebook in my lap and I could add one and one.  
 _The notebook._  
  
My face started to burn. I didn’t want to show him my notes but on the other hand, I've made notes about _him_ , so it's almost natural that he wants to read what I've written about him.

I tried to keep as little eye contact with him as needed while I handed him the notebook and he began to flip through it.  
  
“Oi. Come later to my office.”  
  
Another shiver hit me.  
  
 _Did I write something wrong? Didn't he like that I made sketches of him? But that's just a matter of practice. I didn't mean to come across as a stalker. I-_  
  
“Later, brat.” he said and threw the notebook at my feet before he headed back to his office.  
  
I am so in trouble, _FUCK._  
  
I got up from the meadow on which I was sitting, patted away the dirt that pecked at me and shook my whole body to get rid of my thoughts. I need to focus.  
  
It was only noon and yet my day was drawing to a close. I've done all of my commitments for today, except one. I needed to distract myself until I met up with the Captain.  
  
 _Maybe he just wanted to reflect with me on the training? It doesn’t have to mean that he is pissed off, he didn't seem like that to me either._  
  
And so my path led me to the stables.  
  
When I arrived, Buddy let his head peek out of his stable again. His whole gaze was focused on me as I slowly approached him. I had to clean his stable first and here lies already the first problem. In order to get his stable probably cleaned, it would be for the better if I let him out and bound him on a mast. But how should I do that? He doesn't let anyone get to him.  
  
 _I really haven't thought it through._  
  
“Hei, Bud. Slept well?”  
  
My first approach was the same as last night, he should get used to me and build some trust. So the first thing I did was hold out my hand to him so that he could sniff it. And he did.  
  
“Good boy.”  
  
Slowly and deliberately I moved my hand towards his neck so I could caress it. I tried to stay calm the whole time, which was not easy because he could snap shut and bite me at any time. But again I was successful and motivation overwhelmed me.  
  
I grabbed his reins and let him sniff it like my hands.  
  
“I am going to bind you on that mast over there, so I can clean your stable, alright Buddy?”  
  
The horse showed no reaction and so I dared to push my way. But I was too eager because when I came near his neck with the reins, the white in his eyes outweighed his brown iris and he snapped shut. It hurt terribly, but I forced myself to keep going and with a lot of effort I finally managed to tie the reins on him.  
  
The horse was obviously stressed out, so I left him in his stable for a while and tried to calm him down with pats.  
  
The physical contact itself didn't seem to be that big of a problem anymore, but somehow I had the feeling that he was afraid of the reins.  
  
 _Is he also afraid of the saddle?_ _  
__  
_But I'll probably have to find out another time, I don't want to stress him out any further.  
  
“You don’t have to be afraid, Bud. I am just going to bind you there. Everything is alright. I won’t hurt you.” I whispered to him and slowly led him to the mast.  
  
 _But if he's really scared of the reins, why was he so calm in the presence of Captain Levi? Wasn't he wearing some yesterday too?_ _  
__  
_I couldn't understand it.  
  
As soon as I entered the stable to dispose of the horse droppings, I slipped on a wet surface and fell to the ground. Framed by and wood amidst straw, hay and horses, piss and poop  
  
 _Disgusting._ _  
__  
__“_ I don't think it's okay that Erwin is so indulgent with him. Just kicking out most of your squad members is just not something a squad leader should do. We are already short of recruits and then this.”  
  
 _Voices._ _  
__  
__“_ You forget Nanaba that Levi had a special position here from the start.”  
  
“Yes. And that is not right.”  
  
I could get up at this point, but then the people who are talking to each other would see me. And my curiosity was probably too great to let this happen. You were obviously talking about Captain Levi and the fact that he threw the others out. That probably caused great unrest among the others.  
  
“Levi takes this job much more seriously than you two think.”  
  
 _Hange._ _  
__  
_“He even asked me if I could help him with his handwriting and reading skills. He asked you too, didn't he Mike?”  
  
“It almost consumed him inside when he did this. His pride had a lot to nibble about. But I was proud that he did it anyway. Slowly but surely he sees us as equals. But in the end he wasn't satisfied with my handwriting at all and then sent me away again.” Mike laughed.  
  
“Yeah, me too.” Hange answered just as gleefully.

“Why is your handwriting up for debate, if it is his that should be improved?”  
  
“Beats me.”  
  
The voices slowly blurred into nothing and I stared motionless at the ceiling and thought about how the captain had analyzed my notebook.

_Wants he...?_

_Why?_

I shook myself again - for whatever reason, it's none of my business.

✾ ✾   
****

**_Levi_ **  
  
The Captain leaned against the windowsill and looked through the window, watching how Lilith looked after her new horse. The girl still hadn't realized that Levi had been watching her all the time, she may have been too busy. At some point even Hange, Mike, Nanaba, Mobilt and Lauda crossed the stalls, but the clumsy must have slipped inside.  
  
Levi won’t deny it, he found it kinda amusing how much she has plagued herself. The best part was when she started brushing the horse. Predictably, the stallion wasn’t even willing to be brushed at the beginning, but eventually he gave in. Levi guessed because it was still good for him in some way and Levi was happy for both of them. They’ve slowly started to bond.  
  
It would have been a shame if the horse had to be slaughtered and for this reason he was glad that Lilith took care of him, although he had his concerns at the beginning. But the real question still remains - will she be able to ride him?  
  
Levi sat down in his chair and stared at his pathetic attempts to write properly. Lilith had the best handwriting so far, next to Erwin. But he hated the idea of asking her for help, however he had no other choice. The fact that he couldn't fill out his papers correctly bothered him too much. And if he assessed Lilith correctly, she probably wouldn't make a big drama out of it.  
  
 _‘This is so ridiculous, why did I even agreed to this stupid position.’_ _  
__  
_The blood boiled in him.  
  
 _‘No. Like hell I will ask this kid to help me. I can do this on my own.’_ _  
_

Levi opened a drawer and took out a blank sheet of paper, ink, and a newspaper.  
  
Erwin once told him that he could practice his writing and spelling skills by copying a text. And that's exactly what Levi has done the past few weeks since his promotion. It was fucking annoying and exhausting. Holding the pen longer than 30 mins straight caused pain in his wrist and although he tries his best to write slowly and focused, he still manages to smear his entire sheet of paper with ink.  
  
 _‘I will not let that hinder me in any way. No. Not even in Hange’s wildest dreams I’ll let that happen.’_

✾✾

**_Lilith_ **  
  
The water squirting from the nozzle pounded against my neck like warm raindrops from needles. I slowly lifted my tilted chin and let the water fall from the shower onto my face. The warm drops made me feel like I was detached from everything and let myself become one with the water, as if I didn’t exist right now.  
  
I held my breath as long as I could, letting everything around me disappear. 

> “Small Flower, wait!!”  
>   
> ...  
>   
> “OI! I SAID WAIT!!”  
>   
> I felt my face start to burn. I was totally uncomfortable, I could already see people on the street looking in our direction. It was the middle of the day and the market in Mitras was only just beginning to bloom and this idiot had to scream like anything else.  
>   
> Gilbert was totally out of breath when he reached me.  
>   
> “Finally I could catch up with you.” his smile almost outshone his emerald green eyes.  
>   
> But in my opinion he could go to the edge of the world and his dog face won’t work on me this time, we had fought terribly a few hours ago and now he dares to pretend like nothing has happened.  
>   
> “What do you want?” I responded sharp, already turning away from him.  
>   
> “I won’t let you go alone down there! It is dangerous! What if some guy comes near and wants to touch you??!!”  
>   
> His face turned slightly red when he spoke out these words.  
>   
> “I won’t let anybody hurt you!”
> 
> I rolled my eyes.  
>   
> “Oh, my dear prince is here for my rescue. Lucky me ~"  
>   
> “Yeaaah.” he scoffed. “Since you are too stubborn to listen to me.”  
>   
> I didn’t answer him and went on my path, letting a huge distance between Gilbert and me, who was chasing me all the time.  
>   
> At some point I was so annoyed at him that I stopped and we almost crushed together because he wasn’t prepared for me to turn to him.  
>   
> “Listen. I never asked you to come with me.”  
>   
> “I am aware of that.”  
>   
> “And you are calling _me_ stubborn?!”  
>   
> “I am calling you a maniac! Who wants to go to the Underground willingly?!”  
>   
> I once again rolled my eyes.  
>   
> “I didn’t ask you to come with me.”  
>   
> “Yeah, but since you won’t hear me out. _I AM COMING WITH YOU!”_ _  
> __  
> _This repeating debate went on until we stood in front of the gate that was supposed to bring us down to the underground. _  
> __  
> _I swallowed. Now there is no turning back. I've wanted to take a closer look at the Underground for so long and today the day has finally come. _  
> __  
> _“We can still turn around and just go home, Lilith.”  
>   
>  I gave him a venomous look. “You can go home. I will go down there.” pointing at the gate.  
>   
> Gilbert sighed desperately. “Do you even have enough money with you? You know they want a fee when you go _INSIDE_ and _OUTSIDE_ the Underground.”  
>   
> “Those are just thieves who want to make a quick buck.”  
>   
> “But they charge these fees nonetheless. As long as nobody defends against it, that won't change either!”  
>   
> “Thanks to the Walls our parents are rich, is it not?” I tossed my wallet several times and caught it again and again.  
>   
> “You shouldn’t do that in public you idiot!!” Gilbert said angrily and grabbed my wallet from my hand.  
>   
> “I swear Lilith, you are gonna find a quick death someday.”  
>   
> “Better than that than lazing around and doing nothing while others suffer, right?! Did you already have your morning wine sir? _What?_ I should eat leftovers from yesterday? Heeeeeell no. Throw them in the trash! _What?_ People in the Underground would be happy about the food that I'm trying to throw away? Ah, forget it, they should rather roll around in their filth while I caress my big belly _HE HE HE._ " I teased.  
>   
> Gilbert's look told me that I had hit his weak spot.  
>   
> “But we are 14, Lilith. 14. What are we able to do?!”  
>   
> “Others in our age are already in their last year of the Training Corps, choosing which Military Branch they should enter soon. Not everybody is so privileg like you to be thrown in the military police that easily.”  
>   
> "My apprenticeship also takes a lot longer than theirs! I can only go into the field when I am 16! By the way not everybody in the Training Corps is _that_ young."  
>   
> “Makes no difference for me.” I said, grabbing my wallet back and headed down.  
>   
> “Not only will you find a fast death, you will lead me straight with you.” Gilbert said, following me down.  
>   
> Fortunately, Gilbert looked older than 14 and we got in with no problems. I was prepared for anything, or at least I thought so. The reality looked different than I could have ever imagined. In every side street, emaciated children sat staring at us with empty eyes. Men and women drifting around haphazardly and street animals drinking from puddles.  
>   
> The stench that spread all over the ground made it difficult to breathe and which probably came from the droppings and dirt that was lying around everywhere.  
>   
> “What are these living conditions?” I said quietly, fighting my own tears.  
>   
> Gilbert grabbed my hand and squeezed them hard.  
>   
> “We should go out from here as quickly as possible, Lilith.”  
>   
> “NO!”  
>   
> “Look around. We only stand out here.” he pointed to our clothes. “Do you think they welcome tourists with open arms?”  
>   
> “But we just came here - ”  
>   
> Gilbert's eyes darkened and that was the sign for me that from now on he was no longer ready to discuss with me and he pulled me back to the gate. He paid the fee for both of us without speaking to me and our silence continued until we got home. During all this time I couldn't keep myself up and I just let my tears run free. Gilbert and I didn't care about the looks of the others at that moment, although we certainly didn't make the best impression.  
>   
> As soon as we reached my garden, we both climbed up our tree without even looking at each other. After several minutes of radio silence, Gilbert made the first attempt at overtaking.  
>   
> “I know you are upset and angry with me, but it was just too dangerous for us to maintain there.” he said with his gentle voice.  
>   
> “I am not angry with you. Not anymore.”  
>   
> “I am glad.” he smiled and hugged me.  
>   
> “But I still want to go down there again.”  
>   
> His grip tightened.  
>   
> “Why?”  
>   
> “Do I really need a reason for wanting to help people?”  
>   
> He stayed silent. It has meanwhile become dark and besides the chirping of insects I could only hear his heartbeat.  
>   
> “You know..” he said after his break. “You’re the most important person to me. I almost shit my pants in fear when you told me about your thoughts about the outside world and now this.”  
>   
> I took his hands in mine.  
>   
> “You know that I feel the same way about you.”  
>   
> “Then why do you have to put yourself in danger every time? Why can’t you just be...a _normal_ girl?”  
>   
> I didn't know what to answer to that. Was I really as selfish as my father always told me to? Was it selfish of me to put others first than my own life?  
>   
> Gilbert sighed.  
>   
> “But I guess, if you were a normal person. I would only like you half as much as I do now.”  
>   
> He sighed again and let go of my hands to stroke my hair.  
>   
> “You are truly a maniac..but also a good person, you know.”  
>   
> “Gabriella and you are good people, I wouldn't count myself among them.”  
>   
> “I forgot to mention that you are also incredibly stubborn and have a totally distorted self-image of yourself.”  
>   
> “Gentleman.”  
>   
> “At your service, mam.”  
>   
> I giggled.  
>   
> “Fine then.” he said.  
>   
> “What?”  
>   
> “Next time you want to go down there. I’ll come with you. And the time after that. And after that and-”  
>   
> “Gilbert.” I took his face in my hands and put his forehead directly at mine to make him stop.  
> “Thank you. But you really don’t have to.”  
>   
> “No. I don’t have to, but I want to. But wait a sec, I have a condition.”  
>   
> I tilted my head to the left side a little.  
>   
> “Please don't be in such a hurry to die. Promise me that.”  
>   
> Making such a promise is totally wrong. Nobody knows when their time is here to go. Nobody.  
>   
> “I promise.”

My lungs reminded me that I was still alive when they greedily gasped for air.  
  
 _What a stupid time to remember that._ _  
__  
_I leaned my head against the wall and let the water patter on my body for a while.  
  
 _We both made promises we could not keep, what Gilbert? Although I am still alive._ _  
__  
__..._ _  
__  
__A good person, what a terrible joke._ _  
_  
_I let my best friend die in front of my eyes because I was too weak to defend her. I am about to connect with a horse that is mourning its former owner. What will it do if I die too?_ _  
__  
__‘Then just get stronger and thus also prevent a quick death. Then you are still able to keep your promise although he broke his.’_ Were my first thoughts, like I was searching for an answer to that question.  
 _  
__Only the strong can survive in such a cruel world._ _  
__  
__People like the Captain._ _  
  
_

I got out of the shower and grabbed a towel to rub my hair dry, while my eyes fell on the notebook on my bed and I remembered the conversation that I could overhear earlier.  
  
Everybody has a weakness and I think I just discovered that from the captain. Maybe I could use it for my own advantage? What would be the worst that could happen to me? That he throws me out of his squad like the others? To be honest, I wouldn't care if that were the case.  
 _  
_And so I made my way to the captain, who wanted to see me anyway.  
  
 **_Knock Knock_ ** **_  
_** **_  
_** “It is open.” his voice resounded. _  
__  
_“I am here.” I said when I entered his room.  
  
As expected from the clean freak, everything was spotless. There was probably no crumb of dust to be found in his four walls.  
  
The Captain himself was sitting on his desk with a look of papers in front of him.  
  
“I can see that and you can leave again. The matter I wanted to talk with you has resolved itself.  
  
 _He’s also in a slightly grumpy mood too, isn’t he?_ _  
__  
_Usually I would do as he wished and leave. But I'm here for a reason, and my own pride outweighed the slight fear I felt towards the captain.  
  
My feet moved in the direction of his desk as if by themselves also without the fear of the consequences to come.  
  
Judging by his mood, he won't ask me for help so I have to do things differently without getting Hange or Mike into trouble.  
  
My legs stopped in front of his desk and I could clearly feel his eyes on mine.  
  
“Oi. Are you deaf? I won’t repeat myself.”  
  
I ignored him and focused my eyes on his papers. It was very easy to see that he was practicing his handwriting. And the others have probably not exaggerated and slowly I understood why the captain was looking for help.  
  
I swallowed a hard lump as I picked up one of those papers and looked at them closely.  
  
 _It doesn’t matter what is going to happen Lilith. You've been through worse._ _  
__  
_“Put that down.” I heard his voice say a warning.  
  
I cleared my throat before I dared to say the next words.  
  
“That looks bad captain and that’s why I came here to bargain.”  
  
The captain made his warning a reality and jumped up from his chair and billowed out in front of me. But I was prepared. When he bent his foot back to kick, I reacted quickly and put my other healthy leg on his and forced him to ground.  
  
But in a flash he was with his feet back on the ground and grabbed my sleeves and pressed me against his wall.  
  
“What the fuck do you want? Are you so desperate to be beaten up by me? Is this some kind of weird fetish of yours?”  
  
 _It hurt a bit. But I’ve been through worse._  
  
“I already told you Captain, I came here to bargain. I will help you with your handwriting but in return I want you to help me with the Horse and teach me your fighting methods.”  
  
“It was Hange you heard that bullshit from, right?”  
  
 _Fuck._ _  
__  
__“_ No.” 

“Huh, is that so?”  
  
He pulled me up to his window which he opened. I almost feared he would throw me out the window, but then I saw …  
  
“It's a shame that Hange isn't exactly one of those people who have a quiet speech organ, right?”  
  
So he..  
  
I felt how my face began to burn.  
  
Captain Levi let my arms go and stepped a few steps away from me.  
  
“Alright brat, since you are here let’s bargain. I am so fucking sick of this.”  
  
He took one of his exercise sheets, wadded it up, and threw it into the flames of his fireplace.  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's very popular among writers to let the own OC help Levi with his handwriting and reading skills, but it's also a great way to get the two characters closer to each other without it seeming weird or unnatural. I saw in a video that Levi originally asked Mike, Hange and Erwin for help in this matter and somehow I wanted to incorporate that into my story :)
> 
> Source: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sOxwItO3NQA&ab_channel=FoxenAnime
> 
> I hope you all had wonderful holidays :)
> 
> Till the next time!


	7. Between Bonding, Hope and Despair, Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hei I am back! :) 
> 
> I hope y'all had a very good start into the new year -> let's hope it will be a good one :3 
> 
> This Chapter is highly inspired by Levi's Character song:  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yHX606w7RyI&ab_channel=Tawagoto-subs

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> By the way: I had to edit Chapter 4, because I messed up with the timeline!  
> I know I hyped the upcoming expedition a lot, but I needed to change some things that the timeline matches the manga and actually makes sense! So the refugees didn't join the scouts just yet!

**Gilbert**

Royal Government Meeting, Mitras

The reddish evening light shone through the window and tickled my skin. It was a nice feeling. If we just opened the window in this stuffy room, I could smell the fresh breeze of the late summer weather. But no, instead, my nose filled with the stench of wine dried meat and drunk man.

The Royal Government gathered in their palast, to discuss further precautions for the current refugee crisis. We lacked food, space and the money to feed them all. Of course we wouldn't have the problem if the nobles gave some of their money, but of course nobody does that. Not in Mitras.

I rubbed my tired eyes. The meeting had been going on for several hours now and we didn't really come to a solution that would satisfy all. Instead, these men only argued about who was more right.

“We should just hand the Refugees to the Survey Corps! They need the men anyway! And it wouldn't really be a tragedy if brave men and women fell fighting for their homeland! After all, the scouts want to recapture Wall Maria!”

_Gerald. A member of the Government. Although he was quite well built, his face seemed emaciated and wrinkled all over his face. He also had a terrible hairstyle, I wonder why his wife even let him out of the house like that._

“I don’t give a fuck about the Survey Corps and those Refugees. But we already ordered them to plow the land! And the harvest could be of great use to us too!”

_Aurielle. A fat, selfish meatball. There is nothing more to say._

“Except that they are trying to plow barren soil! What if they don't get enough crops that we need to get through winter?”

_I couldn't stand Rodericks voice. It was so annoying. Furthermore he's also one of those crazy priests who worship the walls._

“We should just get rid of the Survey Corps, they have been wasting our resources for years and never achieved anything!”

_Deltoff, a selfish man, whose daughter I was forced to marry._

I circled the rim of my wine glass with my index finger while using the other hand to hold my head. I was so tired of listening to this garbage. In theory, I'm only here to represent my own father,who recently had a heart attack and is currently recovering . I never knew he or Edward Evergreen were part of the Royal Government. But now nothing surprises me anymore. Our world is just going crazy.

“And what if the titans attack again?” left my lips, knowing very well who is now part of the scouts.

“PAH!” Detloff scoffed. “They’re only about 30 now. When they came back from their last expedition only about 20 soldiers returned. They’re just lucky that 10 madmen like Erwin Smith volunteered to join them.

Who are you saying that to? I would love to get rid of them too, just to be able to get her out of danger. But that's unrealistic, I'm unfortunately aware of that.

“Let's give them a year.” Edward Evergreen stated.

“What?” Aurielle asked. 

“Let's wait a year and see how much harvest the refugees really could get together and if the result is not lucrative enough, then we hand them over to the Survey Corps and officially give them the order to recapture Wall Maria. Barley anyone from the refugees would make it back alive after an expedition and with 250,000 people, if we take away those who are too young to join the military, only about 100 will probably come back. So we kill 2 birds with one smack.”

_No. The king would never agree to anything that cruel. It's like genocide against our own people._

I looked in the direction of the gray-haired man, anxiously awaiting his judgment.

“Where is Rod Reiss?” King Fritz asked.

“He has apologized, my highness. Family matters.” Edward answers.

“I see.”

“Wait. But that doesn't change the fact that the Survey Corps uses our resources on a permanent basis!” Deltoff complained.

“Then just let’s set them on stand by.” Edward said bored, as if it were a matter of course.

"The 30 existing members should simply be sent to the external districts, Trost,Karanasse, Krolva and Utopia, to support the Garrison. Planned expeditions will be stopped immediately."

“Hmmm. Fine.” The King answered.

“I am satisfied too.” Aurielle added.

“Then let’s send Erwin Smith a welcome letter.” Gerald said.

“Alright then, the meeting is finished.”

…

The thought of the Survey Corps being put on standby didn't bother me in the least. But what should follow after that irritated me. I am aware that we have a food shortage, but to take such drastic measures ... I disagreed with all of my heart.

“Gilbert.”

A firm grip clutched my shoulders as I was about to leave the room.

“What is it, sir?”

I haven't spoken to Edward since the incident 3 years ago, there was pure radio silence between our families.

“You did well today.”

“Thank you.”

“How is your father?”

“According to the circumstances.”

“I see. What a shame.” He sighted.

My back was still turned away from him as we talked. I always had to speak to this man under the given circumstances, and I haven't missed the meaningless conversations in between. Quite in the reverse. Every time I had to pull myself together not to punch him in the face, because every time I saw him I saw Lilith's bruises too. And this time there was no difference.

“Did you hear anything from Lilith?”

“To be honest with you sir, it surprises me that you care.”

“I don’t. But she once again dragged our name into the dirt, I can't just accept that.”

Bullshit just Bullshit. I can’t take it any longer. 

I broke his grip and rode home.  
  
 _Bullshit. Just Bullshit._

...

“Welcome home.” said Noelle as I opened the Doorknob to our kitchen.

“How is father?”

“I don't know what to say, Gilbert.”

“Hmm.”

“How was the meeting?”

Noelle immediately put a warm meal on the table when I sat down. She was actually quite nice and pretty. But she was not Lilith and there was nothing romantic about our forced marriage at all, although she for sure tried harder than me.

“Weird.”

I did not lie and she accepted my answer without chopping.

I was almost sorry for our monotonous conversations, but I just had nothing to say to her.

“Are you still mad at me?”

She brushed her white blond hair behind her ears and took place besides me and put her hands on mine. I knew exactly what she meant. The kiss.

We may be married, but we actually never touched one another and then out of the blue she kissed me and that of all things before Lilith.

“I don’t want to talk about it.” I said disinterested and pulled my hands away.

“But I want to.” She insisted. “I know you're not the biggest fan of all of this and not of me. But things are just as they are now! And we should slowly start to act like a normal couple!”

Anger. An emotion that I can't stand, much less than despair and sadness. When I feel anger then I usually start to think irrationally and too emotionally and that has never helped me in my entire life.

“ **Couple?!”** My voice was probably louder than I intended it to be. “Nothing of this is normal. We’re into this because **YOU** dragged us into this and **I** was too gutless to speak out against my own father.”

“Yeah and only because of this it was possible for **your father** to keep your company going. Because **my dad** has been your new sponsor since Edward Evergreen jumped out of your business. You could have gone **broke** , if we didn’t help you.”

“Yes, just your conditions weren't exactly noble.”

“I did it because **I** wanted to help **you** .” she said in a shaky voice while tears pooled in her turkish-blue eyes.   
“You were on the edge, don't you think I didn't see it? But guess what, I've seen it **_all_ **! Your pain, your grief, your worries and I have done everything to help you. Why don't you just let me try to help you? You've rejected me like this since we met on duty, but all I ever wanted to do is be there for you!”

The words got stuck in my lungs. I knew that. I knew all of this, only I could never thank her the way she wanted me to.

I'm grateful that our family business is still up and running, but what price did I pay for it? What did I have to give up?

“You know, it doesn't make you happy if you stick to her any longer.” Noelle wiped her tears away.

_Oh._

“Is that why you did make it in front of her?”  
  
Noelles cheeks began to blush slightly.

“Like it matters. You don’t even know if she has a new man besides her!”.

That was more than enough to make me leave the room.

**_Bullshit. Just Bullshit._ **

...

_What price did I pay?_

✾ ✾

**Lilith**

“You're holding the pen way too tight, try loosening your grip a little.”

“Like that?” the Captain asked.

I nodded.  
  
“Better, but try also to hold the pen like tweezers.”

I took one from my pen, which I got from my room, and showed him what I meant.

Captain Levi nodded and tried to apply what I just suggested. He was still too tense, but it was getting better.

“These lines you’ve made help to keep my sentences in order, but I have to write mostly on blank papers, brat.” 

To help him, I've drawn three lines in each column so that he gets a feel for the upper and lower case letters, but also so that he learns to follow a line in his writing. Before that, the captain wrote all over the page and that made reading his documents extremely tedious.

“I know, it is just for practice purposes, Captain.”

“Tch. Alright.”

It's funny how some things turn out. When I was transferred to Squad Levi I never thought I could be of such great assistance to the captain and to be honest it felt good to be teaching again after such a long time. I felt needed and respected, all these affirmations that I also got from the underground children.

The feeling of being from need has boosted my confidence tremendously. Even if that sounds kinda sad.

“Go to bed if you’re tired.” he said when I yawned.

“No it is alright, we can go on.”

I had lost track of time, but the bright starry sky and my tiredness probably indicated that it must be late in the evening. However, I didn't want to go back to my room just yet. There I would be trapped again only with my thoughts and here with the Captain I am distracted enough not to fall into a deep hole full of thoughts.

„Fine. But don't make yourself too comfortable here. It's still my office.”

I sighed and let my face fall between my hands on his table and watched him as he tried to master the exercises I gave him.  
  
I prescribed some things for him to follow up on. Starting with single letters, then words to simple sentences and finally to ones that were more complex. Of course everything was framed in guidelines, which I made for him as an extra support.   
  
The exercises were basically for elementary school students and the captain had felt very hurt in his pride at the beginning and refused my offerings, but I somehow managed to convince him or better put managed to explain to him the meaning behind the exercises.   
  
And since then he's been obsessed with it, which ultimately made us linger at his desk till now. I found his ambition to be admirable and somewhere I could even understand him. His frustration at the lack of his writing skills was written on his face and if you are as a captain confronted with documents every day, it certainly doesn't make it any easier for him to avoid training those skills.   
  
What led me to the next question, that I did not dare to speak out loud. 

How did he even become captain? Did he become one because of his skills? Possibly. That would make sense since he was apparently one of the best soldiers in the Survey Corps anyway. I haven't been able to say much about his judgment in combat as I've never seen him in action, but he'll probably know what he's doing.   
  
_Yes, he knows what he is doing and that cannot be said of any certain other person in this room._

It has only been a few days since I joined the Survey Corps but my thoughts so far have been so confused that even now, at this very moment, I didn't really understand what actually made me come. What made me want to mess with the captain. What sparked my desire to get stronger.   
  
_Pride._ _  
_ _  
_ _Love._ _  
_ _  
_ _Anger._ _  
_ _  
_ _Frustration._ _  
_ _  
_ _Protection._ _  
_ _  
_ _Redemption._ _  
_ _  
_ Or maybe all of those things together?   
  
_Fuck. I didn't want to overthink. That was a part of the reason why I stayed in this office for so long anyway._ _  
_ _  
_ I bit my lips so that the pain could suppress the tears that were gathering.   
  
_I'm definitely not going to cry in front of the captain here and now. You can also leave now when you’re about to cry. Nobody wants to see you like this, Lilith._   
  
_Fuck what was wrong with me anyways._ _  
_ “Do you like tea?”   
  
_What?_ _  
_ _  
_ “What?” I said out loud again.   
  
“Tch, clean your ears. Do. You. Like. Tea? Should I write it down for you, so you can understand me better, writing freak?”   
  
The captain had put his pen down and sorted and cleared all the pieces of paper on his desk at an immense speed.   
  
_Tea. I detest the stuff… I would rather have.._ _  
_ _  
_ “No, but hot chocolate.” 

_I haven't had one for over three years by now._   
  
“What?”   
  
I didn't know how to assign his voice. He sounded surprised, scornful and disgusted at the same time.   
  
_Bury yourself in self-pity when you're alone, Lilith. Do your best so that he doesn't notice that you are not doing well right now._

“Seeesh, clean your ears, Captain. That's pretty gross, especially considering what a cleaning devil you are. I. said. I. prefer. hot. chocolate."  
  
He raised an eyebrow and stared at me with his silver gray eyes for a while and a smile formed slowly on my lips. Did I leave him a little speechless?   
_  
_ “You are the one beeing gross. Who the hell drinks hot chocolate? What are you? A child?” he said while he was on the way to the door. _  
_   
I giggled. God knew why.   
  
“Well, after all - you're always the one who calls me brat.”   
  
“Oi. You’re coming now or what? But don’t you dare to think I will prepare that piss for you, kid.” He pointed his thumb towards the door and held his head a little at an angle. Only now did I notice how tired he actually looked.

And then did I also realized that he was inviting me to spend some private time with him, far away from our agreements and commitments.  
  
 _It wasn't until years later that I found out that he had actually noticed that I was struggling with myself. He was repulsed from the sight and wanted to distract me with the gesture. But what I did learn on that evening was that the Captain was actually a nice guy._   
  
Most of the chairs were already stacked on the tables, when we reached the darkened cantina. The Captain lightened up a Candle light, that spent enough light to let us orientate in the huge hall.   
  
“That way.” he said and led me to the kitchen.   
  
“Huh, it is my first time being in the kitchen.”   
  
“In theory, it shouldn't be entered by cadets either.”   
  
“But let me guess. You have a special position?”   
  
“Tch. I am also not a Cadet, kid.”   
  
He took two cups out of a box and began to boil water for his tea while providing me with milk, cocoa powder, and a small pot.   
  
“You know that this stuff is pretty expensive, right? So don't waste anything and don't use it too often.”   
  
_Oh really? At home we always had enough of it at home that I never really thought about the fact that cocoa powder could be expensive .._   
  
"Captain." I said. "I don't have to drink it either. Let's better save it."   
  
“Shut up.”   
  
“What?”   
  
“I've already put it out for you, so you have permission to drink that piss. But like I said, don't think about making this a routine.”   
  
When I didn't move, the captain just took the milk and poured some milk into the pot.   
  
“Don’t let me repeat myself. It is alright.” he hissed. 

I remained silent and began to prepare my hot chocolate, while still a little remorse slumbered inside me. 

“Oi. I am going to beat everything out of you. Stop your shitty attitude and instead be grateful. Who knows if this could be your last one, so fucking enjoy the taste.” 

_A little pessimistic the captain, huh?_ But the message got there and something else too. I am here at the Survey Corps. People risk their lives here on a daily basis and especially when they’re on an expedition. Those people witnessed more death than I had in my entire life. And the fallen were important to someone. Like Nina was or is for me.   
  
I looked at the captain and watched him prepare his tea. He had for sure also lost people important to him.   
  
‘…’   
  
“That looks like liquid shit.” 

He said after we had both made our warm drinks and took a seat near the window.   
  
_Leave your mask up Lilith, don't let it see him._ _  
_   
“But it tastes really good, do you want to try it?”   
  
“That’s gross. I will not drink from your mug.”   
  
_Why am I not surprised?_

“I swear you're missing out! It tastes even better with whipped cream! But unfortunately I didn't find any here."  
  
“Whipped cream? You can really tell that you are a privileged brat.”   
  
I looked at my mug in shame, while I clutched it with my hands and let the outgoing warmth warm my body and the smell reminded me of home. _He wasn't wrong._ Although I hated home, I was never short of food or other luxuries. I actually thought I was aware of this, especially after my underground visits, but the fact was - I didn't know anything. I'm just beginning my life, so to speak. Away from Mitras, away from my parents ... away from Gilbert. Everything I knew beforehand didn't matter here.   
  
“Well, it should happen when growing up in Mitras.” he added when I said nothing after a long pause.

He sipped his tea while holding the cup in his way as usual.   
  
“Where are you from?"   
  
I asked him partly out of curiosity and partly to avoid an uncomfortable silence. I wouldn't mind if he didn't answer me. I've embarrassed myself enough today anyway. _  
_ _  
_ “Underground.” 

His expression darkened and tendons around his body were suddenly visible as he told and even the captain seemed to have a mask on top that he would be reluctant to take off, since he obviously tried to keep his bored gaze upright.   
  
And for me.. and for me things became clearer now.   
  
“A shit hole you've never seen before, believe me. Not quite as charming as Mitras.”   
  
“No.” I said quietly, thinking wise about my next words. “You’re wrong. I’ve seen it - several times even.”

 **“** Cut your stupid jokes. Your own shit doesn’t count.”   
  
He took another sip.   
  
“No. I’ve been there.”   
  
I do not know why. But suddenly I told him everything. From Gilbert. From my parents - especially from my father, and from the days when Gilbert and I went down to teach the children and how I was forced to enter the cadet corps.   
  
He listened to me the whole time without interrupting me until I finally finished my story. But I left out a few passages, like how Gilbert and I were a couple and how we split up.   
  
“Huh, who have thought.” he said.   
  
I felt how my cheeks began to blush, it was nice to let everything out, although I never planned that the captain would be the one to hear me out. And honestly, I didn’t know what he was thinking, he only stared at me with his piercing eyes.   
  
“So what brings you to the Survey Corps and not the Military Police?” he asked.   
  
“I... you know.”   
  
And so I told him also about Nina and how much she wanted to join the Survey Corps. How brave she was during the Fall of Wall Maria. How I fell from my horse, how she saved me and how ultimately it did cost her own life. This time I couldn't hold back my tears and I just let them fall.   
  
I told him how I couldn't leave the place when Erwin Smith spoke that night on the rostrum, how the anger boiled inside me and I didn't understand why Nina had to leave instead of me. How then I just stood there and just took it, that I sacrificed my heart for the good of humanity. About my fear that Wall Rose could fall anytime, or even about Sina and my worries about my little sister.   
  
When I finished and wiped away my tears he sighed and only for a second I regretted showing him this vulnerable side of me.   
  
“Even if you tried to change the state of the world..” Captain Levi began to say. “There is only one thing I know for certain and that is that there’s no way out of our damn world. Outside the walls rules the hell while inside is full of deceit. At some point we all have to accept that and fulfill our duties. When you allow yourself to get overwhelmed by those emotions like yours..than they will only get you killed. You understand right? We..especially we in the scouts regiment, have always to push forward, no matter what comes. We have to be faster, access our situation in every moment and even be sometimes unhesitatingly callous. Even when we face death and sorrow. But don’t get me wrong, your feelings aren’t wrong either, and you can do whatever you want - but let me tell you. There will never be any answers to your questions - why you survived that day is probably only pure luck, it could have hit you too. But whatever, outside is full of inexplicable things and everywhere the danger lurks that it is a miracle itself, that some of us survive anyway. But **_if_ ** you want to survive here, instead of educated words, you need to be taught through painful remembrance. At least that’s what I think - isn’t that a vital lesson?”   
  
…   
  
“Avoiding sacrifice and peril won’t accomplish anything, prepare yourself for that. And when it comes to the fallen ones… everytime valiant people fall down at my rear...but the thoughts they left behind will give me strength and I will not allow that a single death was unnecessary neither I let it happen that those people will be forgotten. I bear them in my memories with every single step that I make and so there are no consequences, there is no _correct_ thing to do, but when it comes to the end - make sure you lived your life in a way that leaves you with no regrets.”   
  
Slowly he took his eyes off mine and sipped his tea again. While my once hot chocolate turned cold.   
I was speechless. Just speechless.   
  
_Live a life without any regrets._ _  
_ _  
_ “I think.. I think..I think.. I will need to think about those things you just said, Captain.” I said with a trembling voice.”   
  
“Tch. You think too much, brat.”   
  
The edges of my lips slowly moved upwards.   
  
“You're different than expected, Captain.”   
  
“Huh? What does this mean, shithead?”   
  
“Nothing.. Just..thank you.. really.”   
  
“Cut it and drink already this liquid shit of yours.”   
  
And so I did. It tasted just like it used to and I noticed how much my inner child was happy about the taste, however I was no longer the same person as I was 3 years ago. Things have changed.   
  
“Captain...how did you manage to get out of the Underground? I thought Citizenship is extremely expensive?”   
  
He let out a loud breath before answering me.   
  
“I was offered a choice and I’ve made a decision. That’s all you have to know.” 

And I accepted his answer, although I was a bit paintive for feeling totally naked in front of him while he was still hidden in his armor.  
  
“Without regrets?”   
  
He shook his head. “I am working on it.”   
  
“I see.”   
  
“It’s getting late brat and I’ve got a headache from your whining. We will see each other tomorrow in the morning. We will start as usual with the cleaning and after breakfast we will head to the stables. Got it?”   
I nodded.   
  
“I will leave the dishes to you, make sure to clean them spotless. Oi and Lilith.” 

It was the first time he had used my real name and something in my stomach started tingling.  
  
“Thank you too.”   
  
“For what, Captain?”   
  
“For your help, idiot.” 

✾ ✾

* * *

*~* 

_Dear Gabriella,_ _  
_ _  
_ _I know it's been an insolently long time since my last letter. I hope you can forgive me._ _  
_ _I don't know if you've heard, but I've joined the Survey Corps - I'm sorry,it will apparently be a little longer before we meet again. But please do not worry, I am alright and I would like to personally tell you my reasons for this decision. So please be patient._

_I don't know if you've ever heard of Levi, but somehow I made it into his squad. He's an incredibly talented soldier and has killed more titans single-handedly than a whole group._

_But I have to honestly admit that I didn't think much of him at first. I thought he was arrogant, self-indulgent and that he in no way cared about the welfare of others. But today I found out the opposite. He's actually quite OK and I think I can get along well with him in the future._

_By the way, I met Gilbert and his wife at the graduation ceremony ... Did you know about this?_ _  
_ _  
_ _I hope you and Elizabeth are doing alright._ _  
_ _I am looking forward to an early reply._ _  
_ _  
_ _Yours_ _  
_ _Lilith_   
  
*~* 

* * *

  
  
  
  



	8. Between Bonding, Hope and Despair, Part 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey I am back with another chapter :)
> 
> A little reminder: The story is based on the manga, so the story of how Levi got to know Isabel is different in the manga than in the anime.
> 
> You will notice that this chapter is written in third person. Somehow I felt more comfortable with the chapter in the third person version than with the first person one.  
> Please let me know which perspective you like better, as I currently tend to continue writing the story entirely in third person.

  
“ Access your situation. “  
  
“The thoughts of the fallen ones will give you strength and they still live through your memories. “  
  
“Outside is hell, inside is deceit. Just accept that and fulfil your duty.”  
  
“You have to be faster and sometimes even unhesitatingly callous. Even if we have to face death and sorrow.”  
  
“Avoiding sacrifice and peril won’t accomplish anything.”  
  
“There are no consequences, there is no correct thing to do, but when it comes to the end - make sure you lived your life in a way that leaves you with no regrets.”  
  
Lilith kept walking circles in her room, saying those words over and over again out loud, like she had to learn them by heart. In fact, that’s what she wanted to do exactly. Learning them by heart, so she shall always remember the Captain's words.  
  
For a Grumpy little fidget spinner, he is actually really wise. Lilith had to admit that.  
  
 _“_ _Access your situation. “_ _  
__  
__“The thoughts of the fallen ones will give you strength and they still live through your memories. “_ _  
__  
__“Outside is hell, inside is deceit. Just accept that and fulfil your duty.”_ _  
__  
__“You have to be faster and sometimes even unhesitatingly callous. Even if we have to face death and sorrow.”_ _  
__  
__“Avoiding sacrifice and peril won’t accomplish anything.”_ _  
__  
__“There are no consequences, there is no correct thing to do, but when it comes to the end - make sure you lived your life in a way that leaves you with no regrets.”_ _  
__  
__The Underground._ The new soldier already suspected that the captain might have come from the underground. Some hints have already pointed at that, such as the fact that he could not read and write properly. Even his cleaning obsession made sudden sense. Lilith only had to think of the terrible stench so that it sat deep in her nose again, like a small annoying bug that didn't want to go away. How is it then for someone who has lived there all their life? Can he still smell the dirt? Or has he already become immune to it?  
  
 _“_ _Access your situation. “_ _  
__  
__“The thoughts of the fallen ones will give you strength and they still live through your memories. “_ _  
__  
__“Outside is hell, inside is deceit. Just accept that and fulfil your duty.”_ _  
__  
__“You have to be faster and sometimes even unhesitatingly callous. Even if we have to face death and sorrow.”_ _  
__  
__“Avoiding sacrifice and peril won’t accomplish anything.”_  
  
 _“There are no consequences, there is no correct thing to do, but when it comes to the end - make sure you lived your life in a way that leaves you with no regrets.”_  
  


It does not matter. What does matter, however, is the fact that he's here. Levi managed to escape the underground and was ready to sacrifice his heart to humanity. As many others here. It would be unfair if Lilith didn't do her best too. After all, they all now live under one roof.  
  
“Live a life without regrets. “  
  
Lilith laughed silently in frustration. She repeated Levi's words like a prayer to lull her to sleep. But she just didn't get tired. Her heart was still pounding wildly and her legs just didn't stop shaking.  
  
 _Maybe I shouldn't be running around like a madman either. But I can’t help it. I feel like someone injected me with tons of coffee._ _  
_  
“Live a life without regrets. “

That looked like the hardest task for Lilith. But apparently it doesn't matter if she isn't one hundred percent able to fulfill this resolution just yet, because Captain Levi himself seems to have struggles with it, as he has already admitted. And after all, the resolution comes from him.  
  


With a sigh, Lilith finally dropped into her bed and let her body sink into the hard mattress. The flames of her lamp gave her small room some warm light as she just stared at the wall ceiling, recognizing her own shadows in it. When the girl raised her hand, she watched her shadow imitate her. She waved her hand several times before repositioning her hands and reproduced a flying bird on the wall. At that moment, Lilith's heart felt like a full barrel again, which was about to tip over.  
  
“The thoughts of the fallen ones will give you strength and they still live through your memories. “  
  
 _But what to do with the thoughts and memories of those who still remain?_  
  
When they were younger and Lilith was having a bad day, Gilbert always tried to cheer her up by playing a shadow play for her. No matter what time of day. If it was too light, then he consciously darkened the room and built a small, dark cave out of blankets and chairs for them. In retrospect, it was perhaps a bit dangerous, because in their little cave they always had a lamp with them, which theoretically could burn off all the ceilings in no time.  
  
…  
  
It was weird not having him nearby, even after three years.  
  
Lilith turned her head to the desk where all the materials she needed for Gabriella's letter still layed where she left them.  
  
Maybe she shouldn't have done it. Maybe she should have just accepted the situation and just followed up on her duties as a soldier. Maybe it only stabs her heart again waiting for a reply. But something inside of her says she would have regretted it if she hadn't and so she wrote this letter. 

* * *

*~*

 ~~Dear~~ Gilbert,  
  


First off, I hope you survived the titans' attack safe and sound ... it's been a pretty terrible day and I don't even have the right words for it ...  
  
To be completely honest with you, I don’t know why I am writing to you. But it just feels like I have to to be able to move on, you know. There is nothing more I wish than to be able to do that. But something is stopping me and that something is you.  
Why do you ask? I was just alone in my room and started playing shadow plays on my own. Pretty pathetic don't you think?  
  
Life has kinda sucked. I’ve lost many things in those past years. But I live and I still intend to keep living. I promised to you after all. So when I say I joined the Survey Corps it might come across as a little contradicting, but I feel like I can make a difference by serving humanity. And I will do so.  
  
I was able to join the Levi Squad. Have you met Levi before? Did you know he came from the underground? Awakens memories doesn't it? Anyways, yes.. I am in his squad now and we decided to help each other. It turned out that he doesn't read and write really well and I made him an offer to support him if, in contrast, he helps me with my horse (which is extremely stubborn) and my training. We almost fought (can you believe that?) But in the end we buried our war legs and came to an agreement.

I don’t even know why I am telling you this, it just seems that the old Gilbert would love to know what is going on right now.  
Speaking of which, you’ve changed. A lot. (How the hell did you get that scar from?)  
  
The last time we met, I was pretty overwhelmed with the situation. Can you at least understand that? I thought you were dead, or missing ... but that you got married ... I would never have dreamed of. We were still very young back then ... and probably didn't even knew what love really means ... but I would have liked to congratulate you as a friend, do you understand what I mean? If you're happy and she's the one who makes you happy, then so am I.  
  
I wanted you to know that. Please keep having a happy and fulfilling life.  
  
Lilith  
  
PS: Don’t feel forced to answer this letter but I would appreciate a sign of life from you this time.  
  
PPS: Short summary of this incredibly confusing letter of mine - I hope we can remain friends despite everything that has happened. That’s what I actually wanted to say. I miss you.

*~*

* * *

The letter was more than weird and all that Lilith hoped for, was for his wife not to read it. She blushed a bit, but she will not throw it away. She will send it and whatever happens next, is up to him to decide.  
  
 _He wanted to explain to me anyways on that day, if I hadn't been so stubborn, we would probably have made up a long time ago._  
  


The black-haired girl stood up and watched her reflection in the mirror. Unlike Gilbert, she hasn't changed at all. Lilith had the same face, the same eyes and the same expression. She was still a small woman and of normal build with breasts the size of a slightly larger apple. The only thing that may have changed through the years were the length of her hair.

The world has changed so drastically and nothing is as it was before and things that have happened cannot be undone.

Maybe it's time for Lilith to change too. If only a little.

Healing takes time, and where there were once deep wounds are likely to remain scars. But that's not tragic. After all, she's not the only one with invisible scars.  
  
And somehow suddenly there was a pair of scissors in her hand.  
  
 _“Access your situation. “_

_“The thoughts of the fallen ones will give you strength and they still live through your memories. “_

_“Outside is hell, inside is deceit. Just accept that and fulfil your duty.”_

_“You have to be faster and sometimes even unhesitatingly callous. Even if we have to face death and sorrow.”_

_“Avoiding sacrifice and peril won’t accomplish anything.”_

_“There are no consequences, there is no correct thing to do, but when it comes to the end - make sure you lived your life in a way that leaves you with no regrets.”_

_  
__CUT_

> “LILITH!!! THOUSAAAANDS!!!! I’ve also heard that he just got promoted as a squad leader….ooooh imagine me entering his squad!!”

_CUT_

> “Then let's hope your prince will show up on his white horse.”
> 
> “Black Mare.”
> 
> “What?"

  
_CUT_

> “He has a black mare.”
> 
> “Stalker.”
> 
> Nina giggled. “He has also raven black hair just like you!!! But his hair is done in the undercut. Would be weird if he had so long hair as you have, wouldn't it? By the way, your hair really got long, don’t you want to cut them before the Corps are coming?”

_CUT_

> She was right, my hair almost reached my belly button, but I always wore a ponytail so they never bothered.
> 
> “Nah.”
> 
> She giggled again.
> 
> “AAAAAAAAND, people are saying that he has intimidating dull grey eyes, always looking bored or tired.”
> 
> “Alright Strauss, now you are creepy. Cut it off.” I softly poked her cheeks.

_CUT_   
  


When she was done, the scissors still in her hands, Lilith suddenly burst out laughing. It had only made matters worse, she was wearing the same bob she had when she was a kid, and the new hairstyle made her look like a kid again.  
  


All over the floor were the remains of her once too long hair and although she didn't like the result that much, Lilith felt more comfortable in her skin. Cutting off her hair was just the ticket right now because it felt like she'd lost tons of weight with it too.  
  


 _I am currently acting like a pubescent brat._ _  
__  
_She laughed again.  
  


_Levi would probably say the same thing would he be here right now. But maybe he would be also proud. It was the first time that memories of Nina didn’t bring me to tears but instead I truly feel ironically stronger now._

✾✾

 _  
__Be sociable._

Something that Furlan didn't say to Levi just once and constantly criticize him for avoiding other people. It was annoying. It was exhausting and Levi didn't want anyone other than Furlan and Isabel in his life, so why go out of the way to communicate with others? Most people were just exhausting anyway and only wanted to negotiate with you if it was for their own good. And Levi never had anything against this way of communicating with people. So why play friendly unnecessarily?  
  


But things have changed and nothing seems like it used to be and Levi suddenly felt a feeling that he hadn't felt for a long time. Loneliness.  
  
Even if he was constantly surrounded by people in the Survey Corps, even when Hange always tried to cheer him up and build a kind of friendship with him and even if he respected Erwin and began to trust him, he felt lonely. So incredibly lonely.

And that feeling didn't go away. Not even after a year, although he kept seeing countless other brave soldiers fall. Isabel and Furlan's death was something that he couldn't cope with to this day and to this day he regretted leaving them alone. 

But even though he felt lonely, he didn't let anyone close. Emotionally at least.   
  
...

And so the loneliness persisted.

His life became simple.

Killing titans.

Clean.

Not sleep.

Eat.

Repeat.

And suddenly Erwin came out of nowhere and got the shitty idea that he should be captain. And only shortly afterwards came the attack of the titans. Levi didn't believe in coincidences, but this was obviously a bad omen in his eyes.  
  
And then he survived _again._  
  
Picked a few people he thought were strong enough and founded the Levi squad at the Commander's request.  
  
Then at some point 10 people arrived who were brave enough to join our cause. And of course Erwin came up with a stupid idea again.

Put Lilith Evergreen on your squad, he said. She's very talented, he said, and at that point Levi was still disgusted with the idea of adding an imaginary snitch from Mitras to his squad. He already had enough idiots around him with nothing up his sleeve, he didn't need any other kind of it.  
  


But he was wrong. He realized it quickly when he looked into her eyes for the first time. In her eyes sparkled the same anger, hatred, sadness and despair that he knew only too well. And so he agreed to Erwin and took her in.  
  
And to his astonishment, he developed a soft side for her for some shitty reason. Perhaps because he understood her so well, even though she had never spoken out loud about what was really troubling her. But she didn't even have to, Levi could see it. He's always been good at reading people. And tonight finally the last pieces of the puzzle came together that Levi needed to understand her one hundred percent.

It's a shame Isabel can't see her beloved teacher rise once again and who have thought that the person would be Lilith Evergreen.  
  
Really strange. Her reasons why she ended up here made sense to Levi somehow. Though he found it a shame on one side that she apparently gave up her teaching career. Many underground children had hoped for her return.  
  


But unfortunately life is not a request concert.

✾✾

  
“What the hell happened to you overnight?!” Levi asked indignantly the next morning when they met to clean.  
  
“I needed a change. Do you like it?” Lilith answered cheeky in return.  
  
“You look like a scarecrow.”  
  
“Gentleman.” she scoffed, turning away from him and began to sweep the floor.  
  
Levi came closer and let his fingers slide through Lilith's hair.  
  
“What did you cut your hair with, please? With a pair of children's scissors? Your hair is so crooked and uneven.”  
  
“C’mon. It's definitely not that bad.”  
  
“It’s far worse.”  
  


Suddenly he was standing in front of her, their bodies very close to each other, as he took a strand of each half of her hair and compared them with each other.  
  
“One side is way longer than the other, idiot.”  
  
“It’s a trend, Captain. Do you even read fashion magazines?” Lilith raised an eyebrow provocatively, knowing full well that the captain's perfectionism is killing him right now inside.  
  
“You’re such a pain in the ass, unbelievable. ”  
  
“What’s your problem? It’s just hair.”  
  
“The problem is.” He came again closer to her that their foreheads almost touched.  
  
 _And when exactly did they become so versant with each other?_

  
“That people will see me with you, scarecrow. Come to my office. Now.”  
  


Everything else that happened after that also exceeded the captain's perfectionism. Because so quickly that Lilith couldn't even blink to realize what’s happening, she was already sitting on a chair in the captain's office with a large cloth wrapped around her neck.  
  


"Keep your head straight. And don't you dare move it just once."  
  
 _CUT_ _  
__  
__CUT_ _  
__  
__CUT_ _  
  
_

Lilith was still not able to really speak. Is the captain really cutting her hair right now?  
  
“You really seem to be used to it. Who did you cut the hair of so often to become such a master at it? Your girlfriend?"  
  


She finally said after a long radio silence and imagined in her mind what captain's dream woman would look like. If he's into women at all.  
  
“Sister.” He answered with a husky voice.  
  
A faint smile formed on Lilith's lips. She could almost see Levi taking care of his siblings. It would suit him somehow.  
  
“Where is she? Could she escape the Underground with you?”  
  
“Dead.”  
  
The woman gritted her teeth and dug her fingernails into the palm of her hand that it almost hurted. How could she be so insensitive?  
  
“Captain...I am so sorry..how?”  
  
“Titans.”  
  


His short, cool answers worried Lilith. She would love to turn to him and look into his eyes while they discuss such a tough subject. But Levi just kept cutting her hair and moving now probably wouldn't be very smart. Maybe he even preferred that Lilith couldn't see his face right now.  
  
“I am so sorry, Captain.”  
  
“Stop apologizing for something that’s not your responsibility.”

> “Captain...how did you manage to get out of the Underground? I thought Citizenship is extremely expensive?”
> 
> He let out a loud breath before answering me.
> 
> “I was offered a choice and I’ve made a decision. That’s all you have to know.” 
> 
> And I accepted his answer, although I was a bit paintive for feeling totally naked in front of him while he was still hidden in his armor.
> 
> “Without regrets?”
> 
> He shook his head. “I am working on it.”

Silence as Lilith's senses were filled with sadness and compassion.  
  
 _I’m so sorry._  
  
“You may have met her. Isabel...she had auburn hair and green eyes. A little annoying brat, just as you are. She talked a lot about a girl who volunteered to teach orphans in the underground. Isabel was there often and for weeks she didn't talk about anything else but about you and your friend there. But the brat was still shitty in maths though, something must have gone wrong with your teaching methods.” he said with a softer voice.  
  


The description fit well (except for the annoyance) on the girl who visited us regularly. Lilith had taken her very dearly, she was such a joyful person who loved animals more than anything else and preferred to learn only about them. So..she was _his_ sister?  
  
“She had always brought us candy...”, Lilith confirmed the captain's suspicion.  
  
“Tch. Suits her.”  
  
“When…?”  
  
“Last year. A Titan just left her head while eating the rest of her body.. another titan just spat out the upper torso of another good friend of mine. Furlan.”  
  
Lilith didn't know Furlan in person. But Isabel told them a lot about her little family. They were criminals who tried to pass day by day and save money for citizenship. Isabel said that the three of them despised their work, but that they had no choice, otherwise they would have starved….  
  
Furlan was always addressed by his name, but she spoke more often about her big bro,

which first name she never mentioned, who had saved her life many years ago as he found her among some garbage in the underground.  
  
 _“Your big bro seems like a cool guy.”_ Liltih said back then to Isabel.  
  
 _“He is! And big bro is also the strongest in the world! You must meet him! I really want to introduce him to you!_

 _He may seem a bit intimidating and angry at first, but my big brother is really awesome!”_ she answered me with her bright green eyes and her wide, infectious smile.  
  
And that person actually seemed to be Levi.  
  


 _Well, Isabel, I guess I met your cool brother. Although I would have preferred other circumstances for our first meeting ..._  
  
“Finished brat.” he said after he stroked her neck with some weird rough brush to remove small residual hair from the back of her neck.  
  
Lilith's first instinct was to go straight to a mirror and look at herself in it, but what she really wanted was to just see Levi's face at that moment. And when she finally saw it, she just wanted to hug him. Telling him that everything is fine. That he is not alone. 

There was a noticeable grief engraved on his features that she could understand only too well... he helped her with her feelings last night so much..and now she wanted to do the same for him. But how?  
  
“Captain..” she began stepping a few steps towards him.  
  
“LEVI!!! ARE YOU HERE!!!!???”  
  
A desperate hammering and the outraged and loud voice of Hange let Lilith's words dull.  
  
“Tch. It is too early, four eyes.”  
  
In no time, Levi switched to his bored pokerface, as if he had suspected that Hange would not give in. And they did not.  
  
“LEEEVI! ERWIN NEEDS YOU!!” the squad leader shouted as Hange entered his office.  
  
“Calm down, four eyes. What’s the matter?”  
  
“Erwin. Office. Now.” Hange snorted.  
  


Levi and Lilith quickly exchanged looks, knowing that something was wrong.  
  
...


	9. Between Bonding, Hope and Despair, Part 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, I'm back with a new chapter :)
> 
> It took me a little longer than usual to finish this chapter, but I'm pretty happy with the end result - let me know what you think of it :)
> 
> By the way, thanks for all the kudos, bookmarks and comments! I appreciate every single one of them: 3

“Clean this mess up and don't forget to lock afterwards. I don't know how long it will take me.” said the captain as he threw his keys over to Lilith.  
  
“Yes sir. But where should we meet?”   
  
“Don’t worry about that, the castle is not that big.”   
  
And so Hange, who waved to Lilith as a goodbye, and the captain disappeared.   
  
Lilith felt a whole in her heart, which couldn't be stuffed so easily.

Isabel was no longer with them. Another good person who had illuminated this dark world with their glow had to leave this world far too early.   
  


And there was the man standing in front of her, of whom she thought until recently that he was numb. But he had proven otherwise. More than once. The Captain is not a stony machine - he is out flesh and blood like everyone else. He let his armour crack, even when for a short period.   
  


That gave the theory that everyone here has already lost something or someone important, a little foundation. Still, they all keep moving forward. The Members of the Survey Corps are truly something special. Every single one of them.

Is there a slice of possibility to become something special too? Being of use, although weakness is pounding in the veins?   
  
Staring at the cut hair that stuck to the floor as the thoughts of how the hell she could ever repay the captain buzzed in her head. To be able to give him back exactly what he gave her. Comfort and purpose.   
  


Would that even be possible? Would he let his iron walls crumble a second time - or even let them fall? Would she even be able to offer him comfort? Would she be a good soldier? Or would she abandon him, like everyone else before.  
  


A beginning would definitely be to comply with his request and there were now two ways Lilith could proceed. She could either look for a broom in Levi's room or grab her own cleaning kit.  
  
Of course it was his room, so there wouldn’t be much struggle to find one in his belongings, but scouring around his stuff seemed inconvenient, so Lilith decided for the 2nd alternativ and headed really quick to her room, to grab the things she thought would be needed. A broom, a dustpan 

And last but not least, a can where she could remove her hair.  
  


Within seconds, as she made her way, a heavy rain started and one could clearly hear the big, hard drops rattling against the window while a strong wind was blowing through the leaves of the trees, making a terrible howl that sounded like there were some kind of mysterious beast out in the woods. The last thing that would be missed in nature's orchestra would be a thunderstorm.

Inside Lilith every organ warped at the thought of the weather phenomenon. It was natural that there was a storm every now and then in the hot dry summer days and the farmers of the country certainly enjoyed the moisture, but Lilith could personally do without it. She knew that a great amount of people, including Gilbert and Gabriella, found the sound of the growling relaxing, but Lilith was definitely not one of those.   
  


Once in her room, she couldn't escape the mirror that stood in the middle of her room and so she saw herself in her own reflection for the first time since Levi had cut her hair.Yet she still could not believe it that it was actually herself that was looking at her teal eyes.   
  
_Captain. How did you..?_   
  
Lilith couldn't remember the last time in her life she called herself beautiful, but now - at this moment, she felt that way. Beautiful, like delicate little lilies that bloomed from May to September,even without the splash of color that makeup would leave on her face. Levi had no choice but to cut her hair even shorter than it already was and instead of going up to Lilith's shoulder, her hair only reached up to her chin, but in a way that didn't seem childish, but more grown up ... more _mature_ . The fringes, which covered her forehead, also looked different ... they no longer just hung down nicely but had a certain shape and structure. Lilith shook her head again in awe of what a hairstyle can do to a person.   
  


_How am I ever supposed to pay him back?_ _  
_ _  
_ _…_ _  
_ _  
_ When Lilith had finished cleaning up, she made her way to the cafeteria. The rain was still pounding and the wind seemed even louder, since the halls of the castle were empty and no human soul moved in it. The atmosphere occurred almost spooky, as the gray clouds in front of the sun also offered no opportunity to give the monotonous gray walls of the hall some warm light, only in the cafeteria did the strange mood break away a little.   


Upon entering, Nifa's golden eyes were already beaming at Lilith from afar asking her to join the table, where the rest of the Hange Squad had gathered. Lilith grinned back slightly and grabbed a tablet with breakfast to join them. Lilith has been eating all her meals with Hange's squad lately, although she came often much later than the actual squad. But they didn’t seem to mind and greeted her always with open arms. She even managed to apologize to Hange and luckily the squad leader wasn't a resentful person.  
  
While Hange always shared her meals with her squad, Captain Levi mostly hung around somewhere near Commander Erwin. Lilith had often heard people mutter that the captain was some kind of lapdog of the commander, because only he had managed to tame him and persuade him to join the Survey Corp, despite him trying to kill the commander in the past.   
  
It would be a lie to say that Lilith is not interested in what happened in the past, but she would prefer the captain to tell her such things in person one day rather than blindly believing in rumors.   
  


On the dining table, of course Hange's atypical behavior was the number one topic of conversation.  
  
“Mobilt, have you ever seen Hange like this?” Cullen asked the man who had known Hange since their time in the Cadet Corps.   
  
"Very rare." he confessed.   
  


"Can someone tell me what happened?" Lilith asked.   
  
She still found it difficult to talk to others and strangely, conversations with the captain were a lot easier than with other members of the Survey Corps. In his vicinity, although it would certainly be better sometimes if she kept her mouth shut, she could speak freely what she was thinking and could even make jokes from time to time. However, with others this doesn't quite work that well yet, but she tried. After all, she swore she would give her best last night.   
  


Nifa shook her head sadly. “Nobody knows exactly ... when we were on our way to pick up Hange for breakfast they already stormed out of their room in panic.”  
  
“Hange’s arms were full of documents, so it must have been something urgent.” Cullen added. "Mike is also nowhere to be seen, so they're probably all with the Commander right now." 

“Probably.” Nifa sighed and let her head rest on her right palm.  
  
“We'll find out soon enough .. how's your leg Lilith? " Mobit asked. 

"On the mend, thank you."  
  


He nodded and gave her an understanding smile.  
  
"And when exactly did you have time to go to the hairdresser? Looks good on you." 

Nifa's eyes observed Lilith's new hairstyle while the black-haired soldier turned red in the cheek area.   
  


"Thanks." she answered and tried as best as possible to avoid further details. She didn't know if the captain would be happy if she would tell everyone around that he was really good at cutting hair.  
  
 _A secret talent actually._ _  
  
_

But the fact that none of the squad leaders were present let the squad quickly forget Lilith's new look and so the time during the meal passed with them speculating. _  
_ _  
_ The most logical explanation they could make out among themselves was that either the expedition was brought forward or postponed to a later date.   
  
…   
  
Afterwards, Lilith tried to take care of Buddy. In theory, she could have waited until the captain had finished with his meeting, but she didn't want to leave the poor horse standing in his own excretions for hours and so Lilith tried to get the whole thing under control again on her own. But unfortunately they had the same problems as yesterday and only with a lot of patience, Lilith finally managed to clean up his stables and Buddy himself. 

  
The current weather was also no support during this process, but Lilith counted herself as lucky that no thunderstorm came along. However, something completely different upset her mood - namely the silhouette of Gilbert who broke through the gray facade of the clouds with his red umbrella in his hand. _  
_ _  
_ _Is this a hallucination?_   
  
“Hey.” it said.   
  
The hallucination didn't go away, no matter how often Lilith rubbed her eyes, no matter how often she bit her cheek to shake herself awake. The hallucination just stood there and went on talking.   
  
“I was told that I would probably find you here.”   
  
The hallucination resembled Gilbert to the smallest detail, including his newest scar on his cheek.

_Did I drink too little water? Yes, this could actually be it. I'm just dehydrated and my body is just telling me to drink more. That's all._   
  
“Where are you going?”   
  
“Shower.” _  
_ _  
_ “So just please wait.” his voice begged.   
  


Gilbert grabbed Lilith's wrist and moved her closer to himself and his red umbrella.  
  


Lilith bit again in her Cheeks and the pain just felt too real to be a dream _._ _  
_ _  
_ _…..._

  
✾ ✾

Levi

A little before

What was he thinking? Throwing Isabel into the conversation like that. Levi has never spoken to anyone about Furlan or Isabel before. Because of this, it's even more surprising why he told Lilith about the two. After all, he's not the type of guy who talks about feelings or shit like that. 

Was it because Isabel thought so highly of her? Because he thought it was only fair that she found out what happened to his sister? Probably. There was no other reason not to tell this crow about it either way. 

But he can also think about that later, now there are more dire things to clarify.

“Four- eyes.” 

…

“Oi. Four-eyes.” 

No Answer. Hange was too absorbed in whatever thought they were simmering. 

Their posture was slightly bent forward, every muscle tense as if the tendons would soon tear. The hands formed into balls, as their eyes sharp narrowed, the glasses resting on their head.

There was nothing more that Levi hated than indulging in uncertainty, but whatever answers would soon be heard, they would definitely not come from Hange. So he gave up penetrating through Hange and followed down the hallway until they reached Erwin's office. 

In the meantime, the sound of rain and wind could be heard through the open windows. A state that Levi only welcomes. Rain mostly meant clearing dirt from the streets and leaving behind the scent of purity, while the wind brought fresh air within the walls. 

  
  


Until a year ago, Levi thought that nothing smelled worse than the shitty air he had to breath in the underground and was totally blown away when he first felt the smell of the Upper Town in his nose. But he quickly realized that the stink outside the walls smelled even better than inside, albeit both of them were connected with the same sky.  
  
Freedom. It was the smell of Freedom that he could perceive, although it was also hell at the same time.

“Levi. Whatever happens now. Please promise me you won't freak out.” Hange finally said, before knocking on the Commanders door.

“Huh? Can you please stop talking shit and just tell me what the hell is going on?” The understanding for Hange blurred into a headache. 

Shitty Glasses did not answer and instead knocked on Erwin's door, much gentler than on his door before.

“In.” Erwin replied to the knocking. 

It was to be expected that Mike would also be there, but among them was also another man who Levi saw many times before in the circles of the military police. A man who was supposed to always radiate confidence, but there wasn't much left of his once self-confident and instead there only sat a shadow of what was left of him on a chair.

Levi almost wanted to ask what this kid was doing here, but then he saw the same look in the faces of Erwin and Mike like he saw in Hange before. 

“Is one of you ass fiddler finally ready to explain to me what the hell is going on?” 

"This is Gilbert Rose, he rode all the way from Mitras to here to let us know." Erwin said and handed over a document and pointed at the visitor. “If he hadn't, those information would most likely have reached us a few days later."

“And with much less important content. Some things would have been withheld from you.” Gilbert addressed. 

Just in one day? Impressive. Usually it would take at least 4 days to leave behind such a route.

Levi could feel Gilbert's gaze on him but didn’t bother to look back. 

What was more annoying were Erwin's hidden attempts to get him to read more. It wouldn't have been difficult to just read this letter out loud, but no, even at such a time, Erwin must be an ass. 

Deciphering the individual letters was not as difficult as it used to be, nonetheless it required all the attention and concentration Levi could offer at this moment.

Levi's pupils dilated when he was in the middle of the letter and suddenly understood Hange's plea from before. 

“This is a bad joke right? We are in the middle of our preparations for the expedition and these pigs want to turn off the money? How do you even get that information?” he turned to Gilbert. 

“I was invited as a member of the royal government because my father fell ill on short notice. I didn't even know before that my father had so much influence in politics.”

“Levi.” Erwin interrupted briefly, “ Read on, there is more.”

“Tell me that you don’t agree with this shitty idea of them, Erwin.” Levi gritted his teeth in response when he finished reading the rest of the letter. 

“We have no choice but to adjust.” 

“No. I will not lead hundreds of people to their deaths who have never seen a titan or know how to use weapons properly, even worse watching all these people shit in their pants the first time they see a titan. ” 

"If I have the opportunity, I will work to ensure that these people get an introduction before the expedition. At least a short one." Gilbert added in a low voice. “The likelihood that I will have to take my father's place is very high.”

“A short introduction won’t be enough. We sacrifice people's lives so that the fat pigs can continue to stuff themselves without hesitation! Are you too stupid to realize that?”

Gilbert smiled at his comment and it made Levi so angry that he wanted to break that kid's jaw.

“What the heck are you smiling for?” 

“It’s nothing. You just reminded me of someone I know.” he answered. 

Levi's face darkened. He had no desire to get involved in such games, but the brats intentions were pure, he wanted to help and even risked to be caught on his way. Levi had to give him credit for that. 

“Gilbert, you're dismissed. Thank you for your help. Rest assured that the Survey Corps owes you a debt.” Erwin jumped in before Levi could add anything.

“No it is not. I did all out of personal interest.”

“I see. Then I hope for future cooperation, fundamentally on our personal interests.” Erwin smiled.

“That'll be seen, Commander. I have one last question, an old friend of mine - Lilith Evergreen- recently joined you. Do you know where I can find her?” 

Oh. That brat is her Gilbert. The Childhoodfriend.

Erwin looked at Levi expectantly, whereupon he just sighed.

“That moron is sure to be found among the horses.”

Levi knew that he couldn't let his fists do the talking at that moment, but his words were enough to throw this snot-nosed brat off course and he made sure his voice sounded as pejorative as possible. 

It was more than satisfying to see how even the smallest insult brought that brat to boil, but he was smart enough not to show his anger visibly and disappeared after expressing his gratitude.

“Levi, we have no choice. Thanks to Gilbert, we at least have the opportunity to prepare for the situation. We have a year. This year we will do what is expected of us and offer our support to the garrison. Afterwards there are two possibilities, either the harvest will be enough for the people to survive or, and that is the worst-case scenario, we have to prepare the same people for the fight against the titans. Without a sponsor we are powerless anyway - we cannot contribute or change anything.” Erwin said after the door closed behind Gilbert.

His words were irritating. Erwin was known to go over dead bodies to reach the Survey Corps goals, but that was just too much to ask. They are not allowed to use these refugees just so that the supply within the walls remains constant. 

Levi turned to see the reaction of Hange and Mike, but to his horror he found that they didn't question any of Erwin's commands.

“But that's not even the most urgent thing to do right now. We have to think about a division between the subdistricts that also makes sense.” Erwin added. “That’s part of the reason why you are here, I need your advice.”

“You’re kidding me. I won’t support this. In no way possible.” 

“I know you hate unnecessary deaths, but think about it. There is not much we can do for these people. Their only chance of survival is by fighting - as we all have to.” Erwin replied calmly that it triggered Levi even more but it is his own fault that he chose to follow this man everywhere, and worse, knowing that his words always kept some truth in themselves.  
  


„Tch. Fine Erwin.I’ll trust your judgment .“ 

✾ ✾

**_Lilith_ **

"I never thought he would be able to do something like that … and I am deeply deeply sorry for what happened to your father.. I hope he will be back on his legs very soon. I know he can make it."  
  


Lilith and Gilbert searched for shelter under the roofs of the stable and talked while the rain turned into a slow drizzle. Even the sun dared to break through the dark clouds and gifted the green blades of grass with a sparkle, that they shimmered like precious emeralds.  
  
As did Gilbert's eyes. As always.   
  
It felt weird talking to him face to face, but it was a conversation that was long overdue. 

And although it was uncomfortable, the two were bound by a bond that no one could break through. Not even time. It was just like a melody that soothed Lilith when Gilbert was around.  
  


He explained why he was here. He had a bad conscience about what had been decided in the council and wanted to let the Survey Corps know as soon as possible so that they could better prepare for the coming time and he also said that this was an attempt to make amends for his deeds of the past.   
  


It hit Lilith like a blow that it was her own father who brought these cruel suggestions to the table. She had expected a lot from him, but she would never have suspected that he would take such drastic measures. 

  
Gilbert didn't respond to her testimony and instead pulled a blade of grass out of the earth and played with it.   
  


He looked tired, but this was no wonder. After all, he rode all day to convey this information.  
  
“Gilbert. Thank you. Thank you that you have put all the burden on your shoulders so that you can pass this information on to us. It was for sure not an easy ride.”   
  
A smile builded upon his tired face as he looked with his magic eyes towards Lilith.   
  
“That’s not the only reason why I came.” he said softly. “I wanted to see you.”   
  
Before Lilith could even answer, he interrupted her.   
  
“Look, I owe you this explanation for over two years. I don't ask you to forgive me ... but I ask you to listen to me. Would that be alright?”   
  
Of course Lilith nodded. Deep inside all she wished for was to be reunited with him again. And maybe today they will have the possibility to do so.   
  
A desperate breath came from Gilbert's lungs as he tried to search for words for his next sentences.   
  
Lilith gave him as much time as he needed and didn't bother him in his thought processes. While she waited, however, her eyes kept falling on the captain's window several times. The fear that he could theoretically overhear them was much bigger after what happened yesterday. Lilith wanted to prevent such embarrassments from happening again at all costs although it would be almost impossible for him to spy on them, since he doesn’t even have the keys to his office at the moment and if he came to get his key, they would surely notice him.   
  
“The reason I'm married isn't because of love. Like I said, it was an arranged wedding that I agreed to, that's right. But only to save my father's business. He blamed me for Edward Evergreen dropping out and I felt it was my duty to bail him out. "   
  


_Father got out of business? Why?_ _  
  
_

Lilith felt the urge to ask, but decided to let Gilbert finish speaking first. Funny that this was her first thought and not the fact that he wasn't married for love.  
  
“Her name is Noell and her father is also an important businessman and, as it turns out, he also gave royal advice. But that doesn't really matter at the moment. Noelle is also in the service of the military police and somehow caught the whole drama and said that if I married her, she would be able to help my father and me. My father was of course on fire when he found out about this possibility and I just didn't have the balls to say no.”   
  


Gilbert gasped in desperation before continuing.  
  
“I wrote you thousands of letters explaining my situation, but I burned them all again because they simply never expressed enough how embarrassed I am. And so the years went by and with each year it became more difficult and difficult to establish contact with you. I was so ashamed of myself. I _never_ wanted to hurt you, believe me. "

  
Lilith pitied him. And she could already hear from afar how Nina would scream that she should stop, because he was an ass, but although it had hurt her very much that he had suddenly stopped reaching out to her, she tried to understand.

“It must have been hard for you.” she said.   
  
“Please don't feel sorry for me, I don’t deserve your compassion. When I was informed that I was to be one of the soldiers representing the Military Police at the Cadet Corps closing ceremony, my worst fears were raised. That I would see you again and you would look at me as if I were a total stranger. 

But what did I even expect? That after all these years you would receive me with open arms? Now I think I deserved your reaction.”  
  
“We are all just human beings, Gilbert. Everyone makes mistakes. Despite...yesterday I wrote you too a letter...so to speak, one last try to reach out to you.”   
  
“A letter?”   
  


Lilith nodded and took the letter she wrote from her pocket and handed it to him. Luckily she hadn't dropped it in the mailbox yet.  
  
She watched as he carefully opened the envelope and began to read the letter and it broke the rest of her so calling heart when she saw how small pearls of water were rolling down his cheeks.   
  
“Why are you not mad at me?” he said with a sob and let his head fall against the wooden wall of the stables.   
  
“Because you are the most important person in my life, next to Gabriella and Elizabeth.”   
  
He sobbed again and whipped out his tears.   
  
“I am so sorry that I couldn’t be here to play the shadow plays for you, small flower.”   
  


Now it was Lilith’s turn to kindle a small, tender smile on her face.  
  
“In the end, you have, since I thought of you as I played.”   
  


A quiet chuckle came from Gilbert and it warmed up Lilith's heart to the full.  
  


"And you always said to me that I was the hopeless romantic."  
  
“What a shame, right?”   
  


The smile did not go away on Gilbert's face as he searched for Liliths hands to hold. And when he finally chlutched to each other, it felt like two separate puzzle pieces were coming together again.  
  
"You know .. I will probably have to follow in my father's footsteps. And as it currently looks he has a lot of liabilities ... but as soon as I have managed to tear myself away from these debts and become financially independent I have the possibility to divorce myself with Noell. And when that day comes ... then I would finally be able to keep my promise from the past. We could then move in together and build our own lives. You as a teacher and I ... well I guess a part of the royal advice? Imagine if I would actually be able to do something for the children in the underground.”   
  
Lilith's heart stopped beating for a brief moment. That's all she ever wanted, the reason why she trained so hard. She has endured all the pain of the past few years so she can just stay by Gilbert's side. But at this point when she was making these plans .. there ..   
  
“Why are you shaking?” Gilbert asked worried and Lilith had to pull her self-control not to collapse completely like the day she cried in front of the captain.

“Did you even read my letter? I am _part_ of the Survey Corps now. I _can’t_ just go back.” 

It is much harder for her to utter these words than to endure the chic of her family. It was even worse to face Gilbert's reaction to these words.

_“ Access your situation. “_

_“The thoughts of the fallen ones will give you strength and they still live through your memories. “_

_“Outside is hell, inside is deceit. Just accept that and fulfil your duty.”_

_“You have to be faster and sometimes even unhesitatingly callous. Even if we have to face death and sorrow.”_

_“Avoiding sacrifice and peril won’t accomplish anything.”_

_“There are no consequences, there is no correct thing to do, but when it comes to the end - make sure you lived your life in a way that leaves you with no regrets.”_

“Look, I know..” he began to speak in a trembling voice, trying to look at the current situation from a logical point of view.  
  
“I know you've always been very attached to the Survey Corps since your biological parents were part of them. But they died Lilith. They died fighting the titans! There is a reason why I pestered you several times back then to stop talking about the outside world - I had a reason! Not just me, even Edward had one! Though he should never have been so violent towards you. But we all had one goal with it and that is that you don't have to suffer the same fate as your parents did! What do you think is the difference between you and them? Do you really believe that if you exercise you can escape death? Not against these demons! Enough people have lost their lives for this bullshit! 

You will just face a pointless death if you stay here!”   
  


Lilith ground her teeth. Actually nothing has changed between the two of them, they had to fight over and over again.

“Don't you dare to assign the blame to my parents, whom by the way I never met! I made this decision freely! You saw them with your own eyes, Gilbert? How can you just turn your back on the truth? We are nowhere safe within these walls as long as the titans can rule over our lives! Who says they aren't just breaking another wall right now, as they did just weeks ago? How many lives will be lost then? Tell me?!"

  
“Stop talking such nonsense! You are not capable of changing the world! You are a fragile little girl - they would blow you away with a snap! _Know your place, Lilith_ and finally come to your senses again _."_

> _  
> _ _  
> _ “Tell Lilith, why do you dislike the Survey Corps so much?”
> 
> I let out a frustrated sigh out. Not this again, is she trying again to convince me?
> 
> “It is not that I dislike them, I just do not understand them. Why always risk your own life for nothing? Staying in the Walls is just fine. Why should anybody go voluntary outside?”
> 
> I lay in the grass like her, on the same hill as every evening, and watched the birds in the twilight.
> 
> But Nina's face blocked my view as she held her head in front of mine.
> 
> "Does that mean you don't understand me either?"
> 
> "To be honest, no."
> 
> "Hmmmm."
> 
> Nina sat down in the cutting seat and put her head between thumb and forefinger and pretended to think hard.
> 
> I really adored it when she put up on her shows. It made her so human.
> 
> “But can't the same be said of the underground? Did you know that people only built the underground because they thought it would make them safer from the titans?”
> 
> “The difference is that the subsurface makes people sick because they don't get enough sunlight and they don't have the necessary staff and money to fight diseases. In addition, they do not have the privilege of being taught free of charge like us.
> 
> There is simply nothing outside the walls. We are the last of mankind, why should we let ourselves die?”
> 
> “But you don’t know that!!! What if there are more people outside the walls?”
> 
> “Assumptions that cannot be refuted.”
> 
> “Damn it, Lilith! Do you never allow yourself to dream Wait, I'll tell you a story my grandmother used to tell me as a bedtime story every night ... Um, um. "  
>   
> 

_I lied Nina. I've lied all along. I understood you from the beginning, that was the reason why I took you into my heart so dearly. I admired you so much that you dared to pursue your dreams, even though I and others had tried again and again to talk you out of your plans - you kept moving forward chasing your dreams. In the end you should have deserved first place, not me. You were always stronger than me, from the very beginning. I never had the strength to stand by my own ideals._ _  
  
_

Warm tears gathered in Lilith's eyes and her lungs were constricted so that she could not say a single word furthermore. Yet she forced herself to stand straight for her ideals, at least just once. 

Of course, she still had the underground in the back of her mind, but even the underground kids would have no more options if the titans were to overrun everything.   
  
“On the day of our graduation, we all swore an oath to serve mankind should the Titans ever intervene again ... and basically all I do is to fulfill my duty as a soldier. "

“But you _never_ wanted to become one.” 

“No.” Lilith agreed.   
  
“Why do you always have to be so stubborn?” said Gilberts, on the one hand desperate and on the other a little angry.

  
"Lilith, this is a path I can't follow you! It's a path I can't protect you! I can't follow you outside! I have my duties!"   
  
_And there it is again, Gilbert's mistaken belief that he must always protect me no matter where I go._ _  
_ _  
_ ….   
  


_Even if Nina deserved first place ... it wasn't without a reason that I made it into the top ten either._ _  
_ _  
_ _But it hurts._   
  
“And I can’t follow the path that you chose.”   
  
_It hurts._   
  
_I am going to lose him once again._ _  
_ _  
_ Gilbert swallowed a big lump before going on.   
  
“I booked a hotel room in a village not far from here. I have to ride back to Mitras tomorrow morning ... ... so if you change your mind ... then you will know where to find me.” _  
  
_

His eyes sparkled in the last bit of hope he still had. But Lilith already knew that she didn't want to return.

_It hurts so much._

“Don’t wait for me.”   
  
He nodded with a broken expression.   
  
“It was nice knowing you, Lilith Evergreen.”   
  
“Oi. Don’t talk like I am already dead.”   
  


Gilbert looked into her face one last time only to turn away from her gaze and disappeared from Lilith's point of view.  
  


Lilith was now ready to sully herself in self-pity and to cry out in Buddy's stable, but out of reflex she looked up again at the captain's window only to find out that his window was open.  
  


 _How ... Does he have spare keys?_ _  
  
_

The panic trumped the grief and she made her way to his office as quickly as possible. Captain Levi most likely already knew about the current situation. Lilith gasped for air.

_That must have been why Commander Erwin called him over._ _  
  
_

Finally arriving, the girl shuddered at the sight of what she saw. Lilith could see the captain on his table, but she didn't have to open his door before that.  
  
“Captain..?” she dared to ask.   
  


Levi looked away from his paperwork and examined Lilith up and down.  
  
“I didn't have the fucking patience to look after you."   
  


_And that's supposed to be the reason why you broke through the door?_ _  
_ _  
_ “When did you come back?”   
  
“Why are you asking such unnecessary shit? Only now, if you want to know so desperately. And if it calms your conscience, I just heard how this pig stamped your death as if it were a matter of course.”   
  
Lilith swallowed.   
  


"You know it's pretty rude to overhear private conversations."  
  
The Captain scoffed.   
  
“As I had the choice to listen to this garbage this hollow nut spout. Even if it stinks like shit, I still have to ventilate the room every now and then.”   
  


Every person Lilith has let into her life so far has somehow had a special ability in her eyes.  
Gabriella was able to let her forget almost all of her worries with her magical smile. Gilbert was the one who made her feel safe - until now.   
And Nina and Captain Levi shared the same ability and the power to make her laugh, even though she wasn't feeling like it at all.   
  
And so something like a hint of a smile formed Lilith’s lips.   
  
“Captain, are you preparing our department to the Garrison?”   
  
“Yeah. So you know?”   
  
She nodded.   
  
“Can I help you?”   
  
“No. I can do this on my own.”   
  
“See it as a payback for the hot chocolate and for being the lifesaver of my hair - I really like the outcome. So thank you.”   
  
“Tch.”   
  
“Is this a yes?” 

  
“Tell me brat, Do you expect something in return for every service? Or do you feel that you always have to settle your ‘debts’?”   
  


"I think I owe you, yes. What's wrong with making it up for it?"  
  
Captain Levi rolled with his eyes.   
  


"Take a shower first, you're covered in filth. I'm sure not to let you into my office like this."  
  
“I assumed. Should I look for someone who can fix your door too?”   
  
“Tsk. Yeah.”   
  


Lilith once again smiled a bit and threw back his keys.


	10. Moving Forward

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hei Folks! 
> 
> I haven't updated for a long time and for this reason I have decided to publish a small part of the new chapter. Theoretically, the chapter is not finished, but it is not tragic in my mind if I split it into two parts. 
> 
> Hope you enjoy :)

The Eyelids covering Lilith's eyes put a great amount of pressure. So much that it was hard to shutthem open. All that she could perceive at the moment, was the sound of the cracking wood in a fireplace as the scent of ash.

Her thoughts wandered everywhere and nowhere at the same time, but they never reached the present. So she lingered in the state of hers for a while. Until it was no longer acceptable for Lilith to be in it.

One breath out ... two.. and she forced her tired eyes to open andsaw the ardent fire pounding in the chimney.   
  
Slowly her thoughts came back together, and she realized that she must have fallen asleep in the Captain’s office again. Lying on his desk. With a pen in her right hand and paper to the left head.

  
They have been once again up till past midnight. Not to treat his writing skills, but to work off the tons of paperwork Levi had to do before their department.

As it looks for now, their path will lead them to Trost.

Levi explained that they only have about two weeks to prepare. In that time they had to find an accommodation, a training ground and a stable for the horses.

Of those two weeks, were now 3 days left before they have to leave.

  
Due the fact that the Survey Corp currently consisted of 30 people andSquad Levi was the only squad with fewer than five members, the Captain is forced to work together with Hange, in order to do justice to the division. While the other Sections and Commander Erwin are allocated between the remaining outer districts.Their job in the Garisson will be to watch over the walls and if a Titan gets too close - kill it immediately.

Not that far removed from their original role, but in a much more boring way.

The Captain was not particularly impressed by the idea of sharing a house and duty with Hange, but an order is an order and he had to adjust. But that didn't improve his moody behavior.

Levi was mostly grumpy, spoke in short sentences and avoided unnecessary conversations. Not that he was disinterested per se, furthermore he distanced himself personally and kept his calm demeanor, although his choice of words were blunt and even insulting sometimes.

His once crumbled armor restored itselfand gained a new extra layer of iron, which did not allow a single crack, that made him less approachable than Lilith thought to begin with. She thought, even if it sounds ridiculous, that they had built trust in each other in a short period of time. But she was obviously wrong.

All of her attempts to address Furlan and Isabel ended with Levi closing up more and so Lilith decided to accept it and wanted to keep a natural superior and subordinate relationship.

There were days where Lilith thought she had long since got used to the way he spoke, but there were also days when his words hurt more than a thousand stab wounds in her heart. Levi was a cold realist and there was no way denying that.

But with the fact that they had to spent much time together, Lilith learned new characteristics of the Captain each day passing. Like the fact that the man never seemed to sleep, barley ate and only supplied himself with black tea.

Sleep problems weren't new to Lilith, but the captain took it to a whole new level. And Lilith tried. Really tried to cope with his habits, but the tiredness always triumphed at some point and she fell asleep on his desk. The first few times that happen, he woke her slightly annoyed. However, at some point he seemed to have given up and waited till Lilith would wake up by herself. But every time she regained her consciousness she figured, that the Captain was always awake.Even at the most inhumane times.

It was written on his emotionless face too. His dark circles were getting darker day by day. And for some reason he wore Survey Corps uniform most of the time. The tight braces must have burned themselves deeply into his skin by now. Didn’t that hurt him?

Lilith started really to worry, but wanted in the same breath to respect his privacy. Therefore the two spent their time working together mostly in quiet . Only the most necessary words were spoken out loud. Like for example the _thank you_ from Lilith when Levi organized the dead and missing list for her.

_"A consideration for organizing the repair of the door."_ Levi said when he handed over the list. _„One hand washes the other. Isn’t that the way you think, brat?“_

Yes. But that doesn't made her debts to him any less.

Still. Despite the complications. Lilith was glad that Levi let her help. Her main job was mostly to bethe communication link between Hange and him, as the two were too busy to leave their own office. Therefore she also started to bring him food, water, tea and everything else he needed in order to survive and work. That’s all she could do for him at this rate.

All the chores kept Lilith herself so busy, that she didn't have time to think about the dispute she had with Gilbert. But every now and then, regret still managed to crept into her brain like little parasites.

When that was the case, Lilith forced herself to breathe. To focus.

…

  
Three...four...five.. and Lilith lifted her heavy head up and looked into the captain's concentrated face.

As expected he was still awake. Working.

Lilith rubbed out the sleeping sand from her eyes.

„Sorry, got carried away.“

Levi focused her with his pupils for a second without moving his head.

„You’re dismissed. Go to bed.“ He said and let his gaze wander to his papers again.

Maybe it was just interpretation, but Lilith thought she heard a deep sadness in his voice when he spoke.

Her heart pounded and itched.

She really didn't want to interfere too much in his private affairs, but ... she wanted to be there for him as well, as he was for her. On that night. In that morning…and the following days after.

Even if he probably doesn't even realize how much his presence help her cope with her own problems. He does.

Levi’s metal gun eyes looked up once again, when Lilith didn’t had the attention to move away. Instead she grabbed her documents from before and contained her work.

„Are you deaf, Evergreen? You’re dismissed.“

His eyes burned even deeper into her skin when Lilith didn't answer. Levi hated it to be ignored. Lilith was aware of this, but it was also the only way to lure any emotions out of him, even if it was anger or annoyance for a brief moment.

He had just to show any kind of emotions.

„Did you say something? I am sorry, I think I need to clear up my ears.“

Before he could shut his mouth open, Lilith spoke up again.

„Do you like Hot Chocolate, Captain?“

„Are you an idiot, Evergreen? Since when do you consider a career as a Clown?“

He crumpled one of the pieces of paper, on which he was practicing writing, into a pin and aimed it at Lilith's forehead.

A small smile sparked from her lips and Lilith felt more than victorious but the feeling disappeared as quick as it came, when she noticed that Levi's facial expression hadn't shifted a single millimeter.

„The offer still stands. You are just human Captain, who also needs a break here and then.“

„I am not going to drink that shit.“

„Fine. Then Camomile Tea it is. I am for sure not going to serve you more Black Tea.“

He just starred at her, like he tried to read her mind.

„Bring it up.“

„No. You’re coming with me. You _need_ a break.“

And out of nowhere the two found themselves staring at each other in competition. Which neither of them considered to lose. But against the willpower of the captain, Lilith just couldn't hold out and broke eye contact when it became too uncomfortable.

„Your Paperwork won’t run away if you take a break for 20 minutes.“ She said defeated but yet not hopeless.

He lowers his gaze and and when Levi stared into the nowhere for several minutes, Lilith wished she could read him too, since none of her advances seemed to bear fruit.

What could she do to help?

But to her surprise he got up and went to the door.

"20 minutes. No longer."

...

„Where do you think you are going?“Levi asked when Lilith went outdoors, instead to the kitchen.

„I need to pick up some Chamomile flowers.“

„Huh?“

„Yeah. You can go ahead and let the water boil… if you want I mean.“

„Don’t we have something like that?“

„No. I’ve looked earlier.“

„Tch.“

Instead of Levi going into the kitchen, he followed Lilith to the outdoors to a mixed flower meadow and held his firelamp to spent her some light.

It was a pleasant summer night. Only a cold breeze blew through the leaves and wafted the scent of the flowers into the atmosphere. While the moon with its stars sparkled in a lightly misted sky.

„That are Chamomiles?“ Levi asked when Lilith picked up the first flowers.

She had to think about his question for a moment and wondered why he was asking it. Until she realized that he probably never really had the opportunity to explore nature in the time since he left the underground. He was always in survial mode, so to speak. Preparing for expeditions or killing those beasts of titans.

„Yes.“Lilith handed him over a fragile flower to examine. „You can already eat the white flowers, you know.“

„And they are not poisonous?“

Lilith smiled softly.

Though hard shadows lashed Levi’s face in the moonlight, he looked so pure and innocent holding the flower in his hand.

„No. But these are.“ She said and pointed to a yew- tree. „The red berries look delicious, but don’t get fooled. When consumed, the mouth becomes dry, the lips turn red while paleness, dizziness and nausea appear. The yew also triggers cardiovascular disorders, liver and kidney damage and seizures, which in the worst case can lead to death.“

„Hm.“

Levi kneeled to the ground and let the firelamp down to the ground andpicked a flower as well.

„That’s a Daisy your holding right now. They look similar to Chamomiles, but they are not the same. If you look closely you one can see that the blossoms of chamomiles are a bit larger and hang towards the ground.“

His jet-black hair tinkled in the moonlightand the otherwise hard edges in his eyes softened. The sight warmed Lilith's heart. She doesn't want to imagine what he must have experienced in his past to become what he is today. Life was definitely not always easy.

Lilith looked up to the breathtaking night sky, when he as usual didn't seem to bother answering.

The firmament was beautiful nonetheless. The mist of clouds could not rob its beauty.

„Captain, do you know what my Grandmother used to say to me?“

One more last try and then she will stop and let him really rest him with her worries. One last try and then she, herself have to move on.

Lilith looked again into Levi’s face, catching him also quietly watching the sky.

„She said that if a person dies, they’ll become a star in the sky. Guiding and shining their light to those who had lost in their way. With that in mind, I began as a child to write letters to my deceased grandmother and burned them on nights like these, in the believe that my words will reach her somehow.“

Her words made Levi looking confused in Lilith’s direction.

„Are you trying to say to me that you still believe in such fairy tale?“

"As I got older, I actually started to disbelieve. However .."

Lilith focused her gaze again to the stars.

"It's like you said. We live in a cruel world. So why not sweeten your own life a little with dreams? There is something reassuring to believe in something, don't you think?"

„You are more stupid than expected. Are you letting the inner teacher in you hanging his fat ass out right now, or what are you trying to accomplish with your shitty jabbering?“

Lilith answered him with a snort. She could have told him that she meant it only well. That she just wanted to stand by him. But all of her words would probably crash only against a cold wall of ignorance, so she kept quiet, stood up with the flowers she needed in her hands and went to the kitchen. Avoiding any further conflict and eye contact with the captain.

This was her last try and she failed.

„This year the Cadet Corp must have consisted of nothing but washrags, considering that such a sensitive plant like you got the first rank in your row.“His voices sounded from behind.

_Then the question arises in my mind why you didn’t thrown out the biggest washrag out of your squad yet, Captain?_

In a world where Lilith is more confident, these would be exactly the words she would have said to him. But over the years she learned to simply ignore insults. Because if she were to fight it, it would only make the situation worse and they would be trapped in a web that would exist of abusive language. And if there was something in that she was really bad at, then it was to hold up her arguments in a verbal discussion.

So they kept the silence around and Lilith prepared the tea back in the kitchen, setting water to boil.Levi leaned against a wall with crossed hands and watched the whole scenario.

„What about you?“ He asked and broke the silence when Lilith only prepared one mug.

„You said that I shouldn’t make it a routine drinking hot chocolate.“

„I don’t mean that liquid shit.“

„I’ll pass.“

Nothing in life would make her drink tea. She was only preparing it for him in the belief that with the chamomile tea he might finally be able to sleep.

And then suddenly a realization occurred.

_The captain hadn't slept until now._ How could he not be a grumpy cat.

Lilith dared a little look in his direction and she immediately felt guilty when she saw the captain's dark circled eyes.

_He's hardly slept so far._

The fact that he slept so little didn’t make his behavior any good, but maybe Lilith should show him more understanding.

In defat she put down a second mug and began to put two teaspoons full of chamomile blossoms in a teapot, poured the warm water over it and closed it with a fitting lid, to let the tea brew.

„If I am going about to vomit, it will be your fault, Sir.“

„Tch. If you’re about to vomit it will be for sure not me who will clean up your mess.“

„I don’t believe you actually made me prepare tea for myself.“ Lilith frowned.

Levi blinked his eyes in annoyance.

„Shitty Kid. Put some honey in, to sweeten the taste you idiot.“

This was the line Captain Levi just crossed. If they were about to working together for a undefined time, then they both need to develop some understanding for each other. Shy or not, Lilith can’t take this no more.

„Oi Captain. Don’t you think it that it seems rather unnecessary to continuously insult your subordinates? Especially since I am giving my best each day to withstand your measurements?“

Levi's eyes said more than a thousand words. He was speechless. This was the second time Lilith managed to hit him by surprise.

"Or do you want to tell me that I haven't been of any help to you in the last few days? If you have something against me personally, tell me. Then I'll ask Erwin to change squads. But to be honest, I'm not in the mood anymore to let you insult me all the time, even though all I want is to support you.“

„No one ever asked for your help. You were the one who crawled up and begged for work. I would have managed without you just fine.“

Lilith didn't know what hurt more. The fact that he didn't seem to acknowledge her work, or that her presence didn't seem to matter to him at all.

„Then I assume that you don't need my help with your writing either?“

„As I said. You were the one who forced herself on.“

…

„I see. Then it’s my turn to apologize I guess. I won’t be a burden to you anymore, let me assure you that. Enjoy your tea, Sir.“

With these last words, she left the captain alone in the kitchen.  
  


She failed she thought. She failed again. She is just good for nothing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Every Action has a Reaction. 
> 
> That was my Theme for this chapter. We all know that Levi is not very approachable and people getting too close to him scares him. So I thought that acting rude towards others is kinda a self-protection mechanism to keep others away from him. This is exactly what happen in this Chapter. 
> 
> An other (maybe) important sidenote:   
> Nina's parents were on the missing list. So in the language of the Survey Corps they were probably eaten by titans. That fact didn't made it into the chapter, but I wanted to have it mentioned.


	11. Moving Forward Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Folks I know I said I won’t upload here anymore. But I am a hot mess right now. Fuck. I really need to get my shit together. Sorry for confusing you. 
> 
> I deleted my „author’s note“ and want just to move on.

~o~

Lilith

„I don’t think that this will be possibly, so close to our departure, Cadet.“ Erwin Smith stated the next day when Lilith went to the commander's office as early as possible to ask whether her request could be granted.

„A change to another squad will probably only be realizable once the situation is neutralized.“

Great. Lilith has to endure Levi for a whole year after their argument. But she was aware of the situation and did not hold a grudge against the Commander. A change would have been a huge logistical effort.

„Were there any problems? What is the reason for your urge to change the squad?? "

„Nothing important that needs your immediate attention, Commander. Nonetheless, thank you for taking the time for me.“

Lilith saluted and left the office.

What a mess. What should she do now?

The agreement with the captain also didn't seem to matter anymore, which also means that she is on her own again regarding Buddy.

However, Captain Levi was right about one thing. She forced herself on him. With the thought that she could filter out something good for Buddy and now she has to pay for her mistakes.

Stupid Girl.

But Lilith is not ready to give up on the horse yet. There must be a way to safe it from the slaughterhouse.

…

As she walked down the corridor, her path crossed with Levi’s, who did not even give her a quick glance.

Her stomach cramped at the sight of him as some part of her was overwhelmed with guilt.

If she hadn't said anything last night, they wouldn't be in this awkward situation and this year would be more tolerable. For both of them.

But who gives a damn about him. She won’t apologize. Lilith is sick of being treated like trash. The Survey Corp is meant to be a new beginning. She will not allow old behavior patterns to come back. With that in mind she passed him, even when she was sad about the outcome of their „relationship“.

There she thought she found a friend in him. But no. Guess it was not meant to be.

✾✾

It was funny and sad at the same time, that Lilith had now, since she doesn’t help the Captain out anymore, a lot of free time.

In the early morning, she usually would prepare breakfast for him.

Over time Lilith learned that the Captain only needed a slice of toast and his beloved black tea to start his day. Not much, but every time Lilith tried to put more on his plate he wouldn’t touch half of it. Glad that he ate anything at all, she adjusted according to his needs. He needed just to eat something, she thought back then. Just survive.

Lilith let desperate sigh out. Instead of following her new habits, she is wandering around the HQ without destination. Wondering if this stubborn man was alright.

_What the heck Lilith. You just came clear with the thought of not caring anymore. He actually never appreciated your efforts in first place._

…

As Lilith traveled on her feet, she reached at some point the outside. Greeted with the sight of the stables, Lilith could see that her stallion let hishead hang over the opened window.

„Hey morning Bird.“ She said to him, massaging his head with gentle circular movements.

Buddy closed his eyes and enjoyed the touch. Seeing him so relaxed had immediately an impact on Lilith. Her heartbeat lowered bit and breathing itself got easier.

„Look where we got. Weeks before you would have tried to bite my hand off, Bud.“

„Pfft.“ The stallion snorted and shook his head with a swing from left to right.

A soft smile formed on Lilith’s lips.

„Don’t act if I am telling fairy tales.“

Fortunately, it was way too early for anyone to hear her talking to her horse. They might think they she went crazy. However Lilith really had the feeling that Buddy could understand every single word she said andmade it a habit talking to him.

Her fingers wandered from his head to his cheeks, nose till they reached the area between the horse’s ears. Buddy’s favorite spot.

„Let's get over it quickly, alright?“

The smell of hay mixed with horse droppings penetrated her nostrils as she entered the horse's stable. Cleaning it spotless, while she was able to position Buddy outside without any problems.

Proud of their progress they made over the time, Lilith started to enjoy taking care of him. He rarely attacked her and wasn't so stubborn anymore. But the main problem still remained. Although Buddy was now putting the reins on, he hated it when someone came to close with asaddle.

Only the sight of this thing is enough to made him flinch and acting crazy again.

The most important thing was to gain his trust before even think about riding him in first place. That much was already clear. However even then, it was not sure if he would actually let Lilith ride him. Buddy seemed heavily traumatized with something that happened to him and his former rider.

One could almost say that it was luck in misfortune that they did not leave for any expedition in the near future. So Lilith had a year to get him used to it.

Still. Some part of her was also filled with guilt. Is it really alright to train the horse, only to let him face the thing he was afraid of the most again? Wouldn’t it be merciful to let the horse retire? Looking after someone who can truly take care of his needs?

Near tears, Lilith grabbed his reins and attached a lunging line to his bridle.

With these accessories she let him go some laps in circles. First at walking pace, then at a trot until he finally galloped. Buddy was so graceful. The thought of giving him up filled Lilith with contradiction. But maybe him was really the best she could do for him.

✾✾

„Something bothering you?“ Nifa said and joined Lilith at the dinning table.

„Am I so bad at hiding it?“ Lilith joked.

„Jup.“ Cullen added and sat right besides her.

„It is because of the horse.“ Lilith admited, leaving the troubles with the Captain in shadows.

„But I thought you are slowly getting along with him?“ Nifa asked.

„Yeah. But I am not really sure if I should really keep him. Maybe it would be better if I put him up for adoption.“

Nina and Cullen stared at Lilith in disbelief.

„Please don’t look at me like this. Making this decision is really not easy. But I have to think about him. Not me.“

„An adoption is for sure a better option than the one in the slaughterhouse. But you need first to find one who actually can handle the horse.“ 

„I hate to admit but Cullen is right, Lilith. You almost managed to pet him. To gain his trust. How will he react if you drop him off?“

„Yeah. But how will he react if he have to face a titan again?“

„This is something you didn’t really considered before taking care of him, right?“ Cullen said .

Lilith shook her head.

„No..“

„Well it is up to you I guess. I've heard that a family in the south has a ranch. Their specializes in hunting and trains their horses for it. It was Blouse I think…. My family keeps getting meat from them.“ Nifa said.

„I'm sure I won't hand Buddy over to a slaughterhouse! "

„Their hunting vension, Lilith. Not horses. And only sick or hurted vension that would be exposed to the horror of nature anyway.“

Lilith crouched on her lower lips. The one she wanted to hear an opinion from was not approachable. Neither did he probably care.

„I have to think about it….it is maybe a possibility…. Where’s Mobilt?“ She asked to change the subject.

Fortunately, both jumped in immediately.

„With Hange.“ Cullen answered. „He cares for the Squad Leader and provides them with everything they need to keep from them going completely crazy.“

_That sounds familiar…_

Lilith looked across the cafeteria. Questionable why, she knew anyway that Captain Levi was most likely sitting in his office. Nonetheless, she somehow hoped to see him around. Just to make sure he's okay.

When she couldn't find him, Lilith stared at her soup. The hunger was totally gone so far.

„Do you think I can find Squad Leader Hange in their office?“

„If not then in the library. But be careful, Hange unusually irritable right now. "

Lilith swallowed a hard lump. She knew that herself. And it was not just them who felt that way.

„Oj Cullen, want the rest? I I can't go on.“Lilith said, and pushed the soup in his direction.

The man shrugged his shoulders and gratefully accepted the offer.

„Terrific. Then see ya.“ Lilith waved at the two and left the cafeteria, without looking back.

~o~

Levi

„Here Eyebrows. Everything you need.“Levi slapped a pile of documents on the Commander's table.

Erwin nodded.

„Everything prepared?“

„Yes. Four eyes should come to you later with the rest. We have everything we need for the fucking move.“

„Excellent.“

„Whatever.“ Levi responded and was about his leave.

„Say Levi. Do you have any problems with your new recruits?“

„Huh. What makes you believe that?“ Levi frowned.

„Well. First you throw the most of them out and now Evergreen came with the request of changing the squad.“

„Tsk. Did you approve of it?“

„No. But we agreed that you have to pull yourself together in your position, didn't we?“

„Oj.Oj.Oj. I don’t need your lectures, Commander. That brat is just way too sensitive. I can’t help her with that. The reality outside the walls is much crueler than my behavior. “

Erwin raised an eyebrow.

„I just want to remind you that Squad Levi can't exist if you don't have members. You are dismissed.“

Levi clenched with his fists.

„And I want to remember you that I never wanted this fucking position.“

With these words Levi hammered the door behind him and left.

…

As Levi approached his office, he found a picnic basket in front of the door. Filled with fruits, vegetables, toast and cheese. There was a small letter in the middle of all goods.

_*~*_

_Captain._

_Just for you to know, I am leaving for Dauper. I’ll be back just in time for our move. Everything is settled with the Commander._

_Lilith._

_*~*_

What the fuck? She gone mad completely now?

Levi would love to say that he doesn't care. But something in his heart pricked as he read those lines.

Probably the most irritating thing for him was the small water stain on the right edge of the letter.

Did she cry? Why? Because of him?

Levi crumpled up the letter and threw it in the trash. The basket in the kitchen.

If he finds this brat, he'll make her realize that she is totally unfit for the post in the Survey Corps. That Weirdo should better capitulate and switch to another branch.

What the actual fuck.


	12. Moving Forward Part 3

~o~

Lilith

Lilith felt like she was flying. The area around her blurred as she floated away at an immense speed. She only recognized the delicate outlines of trees, leaves, flowers and earth. The smell included. She slipped past by so  quickly  that she didn't even have time to concentrate on it. But it didn't matter.

She was free at this moment. Free from the thoughts that hunted her for weeks. Free from any fear and doubt that have been chasing her. The only thing that she was looking forward to was the feeling of speed. Her body rose and fell to the rhythm of it.

Knees bent and extended. Buttocks up and down. It felt like flying. Riding a Horse.

She has not been able to ride since the incident. She had  nearly  forgotten how it felt to  be carried by  a horse. The inner peace that it fills.

With eyes closed Lilith enjoyed the warm summer sun tickling on her face while the wind assured her they were moving forward .

That feeling of freedom. Lilith wished she could keep it forever.

In her right hand she held the lunge that she used to guide Buddy. She herself sat on von Hange's borrowed horse.  Fortunately , the squad leader and the commander had approved her short detour.

Dauper. Her destination was Dauper.

Lilith wanted to have a look at the ranch and see if the owner would be able to take care of Buddy. If so, then she had to follow her feelings and do the best she could when it came to the horse's welfare.

Yes. What she's doing was right thing. It was the choice that leaves her with the least regrets.

A sudden stop of the horses took Lilith by surprise. She almost fell off because of the stutter, yet she was able to grab hold of the neck of Hange's horse  just  in time. The hold forced Lilith to open her eyes to check what the reason for the unusual behavior.

Her lips formed a little O.

Was that another bad mental game of your imagination?

One person - Captain Levi - cut them off in the way. Also sitting on his horse.

„May I ask you about your plan here, brat?"

His voice had that melancholy undertone again. Lilith couldn't read what he was thinking in his voice or in the expression on his face. Whether he was angry, pissed off or confused, she was here to meet.

Lilith’s cheeks began to burn. Facing him away. His gaze was currently too much to bear. She couldn't take it.

„I already explained in my letter, didn’t I?“

„What kind of shitty explanation is that?“

Although Lilith had vowed not to allow anyone to look down on her anymore, the captain had this effect on her that she could not prevent . The effect that made her flinch and tell him everything in her mind, even though she wanted to keep it a secret.

Lilith wanted to take this step without him. Prove to him that she is as capable of taking things into her own hands. Without him.  Just  like he seemed to not needing her in his problems. Yet he followed up. Why?

„I am about to visiting a ranch, Sir.“

„Because?“

Lilith took a deep breath and held it for a few seconds before letting out a warm puff of air.

„Responsibilities.“

Levi's gaze turned from Lilith and and peered over at the white spotted horse.

„I see.“

„May am I allowed to move on?“

Captain Levi let his eyelids fall to the bottom of his eye socket and stayed like this for a quite a while. It was the first time that the silence between them made Lilith more than uncomfortable.

„You don’t need permission in such manners.“

Movement appeared again in Captain Levi’s facial expression when he grabbed the the reins of his black mare and turned .

Lilith did not understand. Sometimes the Captain was a Puzzle that was too hard to assemble. Or was the bigger picture missing? Because of what he done next was as much a mystery as was the time he invited her for a cup of hot chocolate.

He clapped spurs to his horse, riding towards Dauper.

Lilith had the need to say something, but her mouth couldn’t form any sentence. They managed opened but all that came out was the breath from her lungs.

In that kind of weird situation they rode on at the same pace as before. The wind was still caressing threw Lilith’s hair, however something was different. She was not alone anymore.

The Captain had a small lead in front of Lilith and rode several meters in front of her. It was the perfect sight to watch how his hair flew behind. Revealing small parts of the shaved area from his undercut.

They may have rode in silence for 1-3 hours when the captain suggested a break at a nearby river that simmered in blue-green sheen. 

Lilith still lacked the words and no matter what she tried to say it seemed insignificant. Exhausted, she took off her boots and let her legs slide  slowly  into the ice-cold water of the river.

With her toes she could feel large and small stones, the soft bottom of moss and how little fish tried to nibble on her feet.

Her gaze and the length of the river reachedout over the mountains.  If she didn't know that the wall lurked behind these mountains, she would almost say that they were in pure nature . In the outside world.

Lilith rolled up her pants a bit and fought her way in the stream to a small stone and sat on top of it.

With her feet still in the water, she let herself fall on her back and watched birds that had built a small home between the branches of the fir trees.  Small, low screams sounded when an other little bird reached the nest as bald chirping heads shot up and grieved, waiting for their food .

An uncontrolled faint smile formed on Lilith's face.  Those precious Little animals  probably  never need to worry about the things humans worry about .

Wealth, power, love, survival, recognition, .. _Titans._

All they had to do was flip their wings and  fly  away. Wherever it may leads them.

If there should be something like regeneration ... Lilith would like to wake up like a bird again. Free. With real wings that would carry her.

Where would she  fly  ?  Maybe  to places she never dared to think of?

With her right hand grabbed the place of her chest where her heart was and pinched the fabric of her uniform.

Maybe  she would see if Nina’s theory of life beyond the walls was true. Lilith would be able to tell everyone that she was right all time along. That would do justice to all the ridiculous laughter Nina had to endure all along.

„You’re gonna catch a cold.“

The captain's voice rang out and echoed in her mind and unfortunately she had to remember where she was. Real life.

In response, she pulled her feet closer to her chest and warmed her now cold feet with her hands.

Only with a lot of willpower Lilith managed to direct her eyes on the captain, who was stroking his horse.

„I don’t understand.“ Lilith finally managed to say.

„What now?“ he turned towards her, but there was no trace of his usual annoyed look. But the mask he was wearing instead wasn't much better, because it was again the emotionless one.  His eyes then always seemed completely empty, as if they were looking through everyone . As if one didn't exist in his world at all.

„Why are you here?“

He would usually raise his eyebrows at such questions. But they stood firm, as if it they  were glued  on.

„I am taking my deals  seriously . Only an idiot would break one.“

„What deal?“

"You so thick headed that it hurts to even have to listen to you." he said, pointing his finger at the horse. "This Agreement, weirdo.“

„But I thought…“

„Tch. You think to much.“ He said and giving buddy now cuddle sessions.

Levi turned away from her, showing his back.

„You can jump out from your end of the agreement, that doesn’t mean I am going to fall at the same shitty position you are. But if you slam me another tear-strained letter, rest assured that I will be the one to kick you out of the squad. Even from the Survey Corps. Don’t bother Erwin with your childish behaviour.“

Ashamed, Lilith went back to the bank of the river and dried her feet in the grass before getting back in her boots.

„You don’t seem mad at me at all.“ Lilith added some sarcasm to her tone on purpose.

„I don’t have time for being mad or crack my head about stupid shit like this. We have a lot to do and interpersonal conflict only slows the process. You can keep your opinion of me. But that won't drive me to change. Nor burden me in some way.“

Lilith bit in her lower lip, chewing in it for a while. Will it ever be possible to get used to his brutal honesty?

„You are  really  hard to grasp, Captain.“

He turned back to her.

„If you're an open book, it'll only lead you into trouble.“

„Especially in the Underground?“

He didn’t respond. Instead he untied his horse and stepped up again. Lilith couldn't help but notice that he needed a slight jump to get on the back of the animal.

She bit in her lower lip once more before she imitated him and continued their journey.  Inadvertently  she had poked in his past again, knowing full well that this is not the right thing to do.

„I am sorry.“ Lilith said after a silent break.

„Huh?“

„The letter. I wasn't in control of myself when I wrote it. But it would have been wrong to  just  leave without letting you know. "

„Or mothering me.“

„Excuse me?“

„The basket.“

„Oh. Yeah. Well, I wasn’t mothering you. I…..I was  just  worried.“

„That’s what mothering means, idiot.“

That uncomfortable feeling of anger with a dash of frustration simmered in Lilith’s stomach  .  Just  as she was about to feel guilty for what she did, the anger drowned out that tweak in her stomach completely.

Lilith clapped the spurs of the saddle and rode  just  fast enough to get on a speed with the captain.

„Listen  carefully  now Captain! I am  just  saying this once! How to not worry about a stupid stubborn man like you?!“

Captain Levi was about to open his mouth but Lilith cut him off immediately.

„No Backtalk!“

As he closed his lips, eyes little widened, Lilith continued.

„You can’t walk through the world saying things like `We have to accept things how it is and fullfil our duties. We have to live for those who didn’t made it back; carrying their memories in us. Their dreams gives you strength.` when you actually don’t care for yourself one percent! You  barely  eat, never sleep. Are  really  shitty in communicate with others. Don’t even let yourself mourn about your most loved ones! You are SO STUPID! Didn’t you know that people can actually die from heartbreak, huh?!  Tell me, how are you going to revenge those who didn’t made it back, when you yourself allow yourself to slip down that road and surrender to your lowest instincts ! Keep Moving forward! Don’t make me laugh! You keep saying those things but never actually live those words by yourself! You - you - you..“

A shiver pulled through Lilith's neck when she realized what she was doing. She pointed her finger at the captain, almost touching his nose, and cursed him. Lectured him.

„I?“ The captain asked with a straight gaze again.

The blood crept up to Lilith’s head and began to boil.  Quickly  she turned it to the side so the captain wouldn't see her turn red. He'll  surely  knock her off the horse now.

„You idiot.“ she said, ashamed that her emotions have once again gained the upper hand.

„Hmpft.“

Lilith  slowly  dared to peer over to him, leaving her more clueless about the man that she already were.

Was this another mindfuck, or did his lips  truly  curled upside?

„Could you stop glaring at me like that? You’re about to drool.“

„Drool? Because of what? YOU?! PAH! Not even in your wildest dreams, Captain.“

Lilith crossed her hands. „You  just  love to tease me, admit it!“

"You're not making it difficult for me. You overreact about the silliest things.“

_What?_

„Oy. C’mon. We wasted enough time. Let's go weirdo.“


	13. Moving Forward Part 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hei Guys :) 
> 
> I am back with another chapter :) 
> 
> This will be the last one of the "Buddy Arc" actually I wanted it to be a little longer but because of pacing issues I decided against it. The next Chapter will already take place in Trost and the Garrison because I am really a little behind with my story :'D 
> 
> And I wanted to thank all of those who are still willing to read my fanfic. I know that I probably irritated a lot of you with my changes and plans and I really try to get my shit together to prevent such impulsive actions in the future.  
> Again thank you :) It really means a lot to me!

~o~

Lilith

„Woaaaah. Steady, Boy. He ain’t like strangers, wha’ Missy.“

Lilith observed how Mr. Blouse tried to pet Buddy and giving him treats, but the stallion headed immediately back. Ears down and the white protrudes over his eyes. It was a blessing that he didn’t tried to bite this nice man, because his posture signalized that he was about to tick off properly.

Sir Blouse offered without questions his help and was ready to take care over Buddy the second their arrived his ranch.

Lilith didn’t know what she expected, a miracle perhaps? That the man would be some kind of horse whisperer? Probably all that he needed was some time with Buddy to get used to each other.

„`ave ya a try, Missy. Show me how ya woulda handle it.“

Buddy stood tied to a posture with trembling legs. Completely overwhelmed with the situation. Although he was still extremely relaxed during the ride.

Lilith nodded and reached out her hand to Buddy’s nose before she scratched him at his favorite spot. Slowly his ears rose as his eyes closed.

„I don’t quite get ya’r problem, missy. He seems relaxed with ya araund.“

„That’s not the problem, Sir. He doesn’t let me ride him.He seems scared of it.“

„Of what?“

„That I’ll force him to meet the titans again, perhaps? I am not a hundred percent sure, but still. Something is on his mind that doesn’t let him go. A fear that consumes him.“

„Hmmm…“ Sir Blouse scratched his beard. „Aren’t ya’r horses trained for discard those things?“

„Yeah, they are."

„Hmmmm…Show me how ya put on the saddle.“

„I didn’t brought one, Sir. He kinda dislikes them too.“

„Hmmmmm…“

His _`hmmmm’_ made Lilith just more nervous as she actually were.

The rancher rubber his eyes with his wrists and took of his hat to wipe away the sweat that gathered on his forehead.

„Come with me.“

Lilith turned to the fence where the Captain was leaning on. The sun was about to go down, gifting the surroundings with a golden shimmer. Same counted for the Captain. The mix of theraven-black with the golden veil lent his hair such a splendor and his strong jawline lookedsharp as a knife.

He rose his chin and pointed to the Rancher, like he was trying to say that Lilith should follow.

Lilith nodded.

Was it weird that she wished to see that smile of his again? There were no words to describe how much off guard it took her to see his curling lips. She almost hated herself for wanting it to see it again. Hated herself even more about the fact how she behaved afterwards. Avoiding him. Sought no further conversation with him until they reached the ranch.

Some kind of tingling strange sensation appearedwhich led to her behavior. One that Lilith didn’t liked at all.

_He’s your Captain, Lilith. A prig and an idiot. Don’t get cocky just because of one silly smile._

„Where are we going?“ She asked Mr. Blouse to distraced herself.

„Lead ya horse to tha stables, I want to try samthing.“

„Alright.“

„Missy?“

„Yes?“

„Ya don’t really look like ya want to give him ta me.“

Lilith bit in her lips, nippling on them.

„No. But this isn’t about me.“

„Hmmm.“

If he say one more time _„hmmmm“_ Lilith’s swears by the walls, that she will turn the whole ranch upside down.

They went to the inside of the stables where a lots of other horses where held in.

„Lead him where the saddles are, can ya see?“

Lilith nodded and did as said. The Blouse family really had everything ready for different horses. Many different types of saddles, bridles, cleaning equipment and much more.

„Fine. Ya two are doing great. Now pet him till he calmed down. Focus on the neck, his back and nose. Tell me what ya fell. “

„He is tense.“

„And what about you Missy?“

„What, no?“ Lilith winced her eyebrows.

„Heh, I am not so sure about that.“

Mr Blouse came closer and pinched Lilith’s shoulders.

„Ya are hard as a rock.“

Buddy didn’t like at all that Mr. Blouse got so close to Lilith. He waggled his head and was about to shoot.

„The rider always reflects his animal in his behavior. Yes, he may be traumatized by something in the past. But if ya work together ya’llsurely overcome your problems.“

„You don’t seem to listen to me! I wan’t to prevent him of getting re-traumatizied!“

„I do Missy. But if ya two go out there together, he’ll have no need to panic. It’s your job as his rider to calm him down. If you are under period pressure - How could he not?! Life in the woods is not less dangerous. Did you ever had to face a wild animal? I understand that a titan is maybe a bigger pray. But in some way it is still the same is it not?“

„Oj. Are you trying to say that you won’t take him?“

„Hmmmmm.“

Lilith had to take a deep breath. Her shoulders pulled up tightly. She almost regretted coming here.

„Ya knaw, I don’t think that I will be a good owner.“

Lilith stood stand, glaring at the man.

„That horse has a purpose. I can’t take it away from him. “

Lilith fell on the floor and rubbed her hair in frustration.

„Even if he getsused to me and the forest after a while, he is still called for something else. I can see it in his eyes.“

Buddy dropped his head and slowly let his head slide against Lilith’s.

„See ya’r Buddy doesn’t seem like staying either.“

Lilith turned her head to his and laid against his forehead. It felt warm. His light snort reassuring.

With her right hand she stroked the sides of his head and used her fingernails to scratch him.

None of this would even have been possible a few weeks ago.

„What if he gets scared and throws me off? Rises on me in panic? I won’t be of any use anymore. I won’t be able to safe anybody out there if it comes to that.“

„Did that happen before?“

„Something similar, yes. It had cost the life of…“

The rest of her sounds stopped. She couldn't even pronounce it.

„Missy. Danger is real. Fear is an illusion. Hunt for your life and survive. This principle applies everywhere. Learn to trust each other. Ya have to do the same with another horse. Ya cannot avoid it. If ya fall into a circle full of fear, then ya only conjure up misfortune.“

Lilith swallowed. How ridiculous it is that a wild stranger has to explain to her how one actually lives. How ridiculous that she lectured the Captain just hours ago about a smiliar matter.

„Oj, stand up.“

Lilith propped herself up on her knees and swung herself up again.

„Pick one saddle and let it sniff him. Pet him if he acts crazy. Assure him that he can relax around you. Ah and wait, ya shall probably tie him up.“

Mr Blouse pointed to a small bar.

„But..“

„Chill Missy, ya’ll be fine.“

Lilith nodded and let Buddy smell on a blue saddle. He immediately let his ears down and started shaking again.

„Calm him and yourself down, Missy.“

Frightened, Lilith put her hand on Buddy's front head and stroked him.

„It is alright Bud, I am here.“

„Fine. Do this until he is calm around the saddle. Show him boundaries when he tries to bite a or push ya away.But gentle, don't be rude. Violence only breaks a horse. It will follow ya but never of its own free will. Show him that he can trust ya.Ya are the leader, Missy.“

~

After a few minutes she and the horse calmed down.

„Fine! And now Simply stroke the saddle lightly over his back. Same principle. Calm him down when he gets restless. If that works, try letting the saddle rest slightly on his back for a few seconds and then take it off again. Repeat this several times. If he is doing fine, reward him if a treato.“

„Alright.“

„Does he have problems with lunging?“

„There are good days as bad days. But usually he does pretty well.“

„Got it. Do these exercises even when lunging together. He should get used to the saddle slowly. At some point, when he's ready, you can leave the saddle on top of him for a longer time."

~o~

Levi

Levi stood outside the stables and leaned against a wall, listening. Observing.

His mind was confused.

That silly brat. Makes a racket about nothing. But she seemed different. Like a turtle she slowly paws out of her shell.

Levi shook his head. Was he making a stupid comparison like she always does? Stupid weirdo. He never thought or talked that way before.

„Sesh.“ He let a quiet sigh out.

He looked up at the sky, which had already turned dark blue. Levi would have to come up with a good training program for her. Otherwise she will drop like a fly on the expedition.

First in her rank or not. She's too torn emotionally. That could be death of her. She would probably be one of those idiots who would trade her own life for someone else's. Life in the Survey Corps is associated with constant death. Whether it is a horse that leaves or a person. She has to be able to handle it otherwise it will spoil her.

But these are lessons that she has to learn on her own. He cannot take off these experiences for her.

Time only tells if she’ll make it back as someone alive.

Levi sighed again, realizing that he was being watched by a brown haired girl.

„What?“

The girl bit off a part of a potato she held.

„Why are you so short? I never saw a man so short as you.“ She said with open mouth. Leftover food sticking to the corner of her mouth.

Levi flinched.

„SASHA!“ A woman screamed. „Don’t treat our guests like that! Excuse me sir! My daughter is a little bit ill-mannered.“ She said uptight.

„Tch. You don’t say.“

~


End file.
